Each Day, R/Evolution

Thirty Five and My Life is Still

New Moon Musings

I asked myself, how do I get what I want?

My self answered:

Intention must be reinforced by ritual in order to manifest/cross over from the quanta into reality - this is the reinforcement of eigenstates.  Prayer and Ritual.

Uploading the reticular activation system.  Setting subconscious directives.  Focusing attention, and intention.

There, that's it. The magic recipe.

At least it is for those of us who are fortunate enough to be living in a reality of comfort and freedom.

I give thanks for my family, my husband, my son, my friends and partners on this life journey, and all those who open their lives and hearts and allow me to be witnessed at to bear witness to their growth and evolution.

Breaking Radio Silence for Status Update

Aside from the Jedi training of young Lord Phoenix, my resources of time and energy have been focused on the following "projects" as a human swiss army knife:

1. Relocating to the Bay Area - Matt just got a job there!

2. Soulgarden.tv - online "TV with Soul" network for enlightened entertainment.  I've joined Christopher Witecki and his team of volunteers to take their content development, marketing and web presence to the next level.  I am so happy to be part of that chosen team.

3. Yogatag.com - community and business platform for Yoga teachers and their students to interact and share their yoga styles, studios and experiences. Working with my GTD mentor, Art Santos, has been an awesome education in running virtual teams with utmost efficiency.  And I believe that what we're doing, and how we're doing it, is going to affect the ability of everyone who ever wants to teach or practice yoga.  Let's make our yoga teachers into the stars they are!

4. Hireme.tv - online video resume platform with enhanced video search and a solid legal solution to offer hiring acceleration for recruiters and HR professionals without any EEOC complications. Waiting on another round of funding to resume that project.

5. Mp3.net - new media production company built by contribution, with its own digital economy - to support, sustain and protect Musicians and Artists - giving them the power to showcase, protect and sell their music or artwork - and keep the LION's share of the profits.

6. Mangaman.mobi partnership with Winksite.com - Sci-fi novelist and futurist Alexander Besher is releasing his latest novel The Manga Man via 2d barcode on a limited edition t-shirt, in partnership with open source mobile pioneer Winksite.com/David Harper.  Multi-media available through the barcode includes a reading selection from The Manga Man (which I did), original tracks by electronica composer William Collin Snavely, and more.

There will be a book launch on October 31st at the Mina Dresden Gallery in the Mission District of San Francisco, featuring Butoh dancers, a premiere of the video book trailer, a fashion show of Butoh-inspired dresses by Picky studio, sales of the limited edition "book on a t-shirt" and a demonstration thereof, a raffle giveaway of a Nokia N95 mobile phone, and I'll be reading from the book on Mr. Besher's behalf. Light refreshments will be served.

7. Causecast.org - This company launched to a stunning debut at TechCrunch 50 - where they showcased their platform for marrying philanthropy to social networking and activist leader advocacy. 
With over 40+ and growing non-profit organizations, and a host of top activists, athletes, and even celebrities - Causecast's mission is to make donating to, volunteering or promoting your favorite cause as convenient and "shareable" as possible.  An amazing company!

8. Virtu Media - Virtu Media is a communications company focused on making the world a better place, one step at a time - and will be the home of the Optimal Mindset 4.0 - Digital Guidance Counselor!

9. StandardTrustDeed.com and RSVP: Voiceover work, continued - recording their newest IVR system!

My time is rigorously regimented and I attribute the fact that I can do all of this and enjoy my time during the day, with Phoenix, to

a) GTD
b) Unfuddle
c) Basecamp
d) My family, who helps me look after Phoenix
e) My husband, who understands that the only time I can really focus is from 9pm - 2am at night.
f) Espresso
g) Minuteur
h) MindManager
i) yoga
j) time-outs to meditate, pray, and create a context of possibility built on clear intentions for what I want

and above all, my commitment to defy the perceived constraints of TIME.

I'm busy, yes, and too busy to blog . . which will be rectified shortly.  I don't have a lot of "extra" time for myself, so I do my best to snatch moments for self-care, whether that's yoga, or a mani/pedi or a massage.

Also, a lot of what I'm doing now is either on a "pay it forward/sweat equity/rev share down the line" basis, but I've always received enough to keep Phoenix in diapers and milk, and more.

Living in grace and blessed with abundance and learning,

CDJ

My 33rd bday - the JESUS year, I mean the DE JESUS year!

Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.

Time is a created thing. To say ‘I don’t have time,’ is like saying, ‘I don’t want to.’ - Lao Tzu

Aut viam inveniam aut faciam - [ I will either find a way or make one ]

The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.  - Ayn Rand

I enjoy being ME. I LOVE IT.

"Persons of high self-esteem are not driven to make themselves superior to others; they do not seek to prove their value by measuring themselves against a comparative standard.  Their joy is being who they are, not in being better than someone else."

- Nathaniel Branden

Mindmapping the Unthinkable

"If you insist on leaving your fate to the gods, then the gods will repay your weakness by having a grin or two at your expense. Should you fail to pilot your own ship, don't be surprised at what inappropriate port you will find yourself docked. The dull and prosaic will be granted adventures that will dice their central nervous systems like an onion, romantic dreamers will end up in the rope years...The price of self-destiny is never cheap, and in certain situations it is unthinkable. But to achieve the marvelous, it is precisely the unthinkable that must be thought." -- Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume

Onward into 2008

Thoreau to kick off the year - "If you advance confidently in the direction of your own dreams and endeavor to live the life which you have imagined, you will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”

I am reimagineering my life, in a very quiet and profound way, carefully weighing and assessing each world I have in simultaneous orbit.  Having my end year/ beginning year identity crisis.

My personal "new year" does not start until my birthday on February 13th. I have until then to craft this year's reinvention of my Self.

Until then, my activities include immolation, ablution, rejuvenation and then, rebirth.

Post-Midnight Litanies summon the earthquake

Feeling the strain and the pressure of multiple responsibilities.  Make me a diamond, pressure.

Just now, as I was awake at 1.30am-ish, I began to break down - the tears flowing out of the cracks in my tightly bound shell.  Too focused on "How." I forget.  Do not focus on how. Focus on the intention, big, bright and clear.  Nothing can penetrate the laser focus trajectory of a well defined intention.

Desert winds blow strong outside. I hold the baby in my arms. The Podfather is away from us tonight.  So tired, so much data whirling in my mind, the hierarchy of my priorities holding fast even through the maelstrom of competing desires and demands from the outside world.

The reset begins, the litany - wherein I rock and sway, the prayers of thanks and humble acknowledgement of the generous, compassionate and abundant blessings bestowed upon my life.

Thank you for my son and his perfect health. Thank you for my mate and his love. Thank you for my beautiful family and their support. Thank you for the love, support, guidance and protection of my loyal friends. Thank you for my purpose and the opportunities to fulfill it. Thank you for the experiences that have helped me to build the strength I need to approach my life with courage and resolve.

I let the gratitude and the abundance flow through me until I feel cleared of shadow, until my consciousness is filled with the feelings of blessings, fortune, grace.

Focus my intentions. Align my values and my priorities with planned action. Set determination.  Breathe in strength. Exhale tension.

The earthquake came and went, during this ritual.

Words to calm. Words to create worlds. Words to soothe. Words to build bridges. Words to set boundaries. Words to express love. Words to summon. Words to invoke. Words to broadcast and bind intention. Words to cut through conspiracy.  The power of words, the power of the tongue. Words to say thank you. Words to mark and manifest from the quanta. Words to order chaos. Words to prompt and expose.

I sequence my words to reflect the sequence of events I desire. 

I remember who and what I am, and give thanks for all my Selves.

Feeling Yourself Disintegrate

Sometimes, the wanderlust surges to be unbearable.  To travel, to get lost, to assimilate and wander, to sidestep this current life trajectory and be another me.  I am envious of travelers. I feel a loss of mobility.

Home is where I do my chores, where I raise my child, where I work.  I am here 99% of the time, 24 hours a day/7 days a week. I spend most of my time online, "goggled into the Metaverse" as it were, while my meatsuit, now executing the primary mode "Mominatix", sits in the same rooms, all day, each day - thank God for social networks, online shopping, twitter, email and IM. The internet is the only place I am free to roam, the playspace to match my mind's need for data and stimuli.

When I am not staring at a computer screen for work, I am looking at/after my son.  When I am not washing bottles, doing laundry, feeding, changing diapers, rocking to sleep, singing, baby-talking, or grousing to my husband about the perceived perpetually imbalanced division of parenting responsibilties, I go to the Net because it's the only "me" time I have left.  I can't visit friends much anymore, nor do they visit me. No one wants to bother me. Everyone assumes I am "overwhelmed" and "swamped" and "doing baby priorities" and it's true. And I have to remind myself that there's nothing wrong with being where I am in my life, that raising Phoenix is a worthy and important job, and that a mother should dedicate her life to raising her children.

But I have heretofore defined myself by my independent movements, my agility, my multiplicity, my mobility, by the dedicated maintenance of a network of profound long-term friendships.

So this current reality, laden with new responsibilities and priorities, cuts.  Clipped wings hurt. I can't do much of what I used to, I can't be as free as I once was. So *I* can't be who I used to be. I can't get on a plane and lose myself in alternate realities as I love to do.  I am bound to this life, now.  Yes, I know I chose it.  Yes, I know resistance is futile. Yes, I know this is my "next level" and "unexplored territory." Knowledge never really cures, it consoles at best. Weary sighs of resignation, useless tears, staring blankly at wall.  Face the baby.  Initiate blessings-counting sequence. 

Are these unenlightened thoughts?  Have I not yet completely surrendered to my own evolution?  I look at my baby and know  there is no other path other than being his mother, with all the selflessness and sacrifice of selfhood that entails. 

The key to not feeling tired is not letting oneself feel, at all.  Feelings are an indulgent luxury. Now is not a time to be bogged down in feelings.  Not when there is so much to do.

Productivity & Spacing Out: A 10 Step Primer

From reading his books, and attending his Roadmap seminar, David Allen's whole point of putting things in the GTD system is to give oneself as much time as possible to relax, goof off, and space out. That's what "stress-free productivity" means.

There's a high associated to kicking ass under high-stress situations, a rush to the ego and self-satisfaction of multi-tasking efficiently. One feels superhuman, pushing limits of time and energy to the limit and expanding one's limits.  I used to be prideful about this kind of plate-spinning-split-attention-multitasking proficiency.  But what am I busy with?  That's a Tim Ferriss-kind of question, to evaluate the "busy work," and if what I'm doing is worthwhile (also David Seah-style). 

Sometimes, coming off a binge of hyperproductivity and an extremely fast-paced, high-octane stretch of work focus, it can be difficult to wind down.  The mind's machine whirs and clicks and becomes greedily accustomed to crunching tasks and data. When the work is done, it becomes hard to relax, and in the absence of "problems to crunch" the mind troubleshoots even the most silent, content moments, for some new problem to solve, even inventing or exacerbating problems just for FOOD.

My point, and the point of all the thinkers below, is that the goal of efficiency and productivity is to create more space/time for higher level creative thinking, pleasure/leisure-centric activities and RELAXATION!

Let me summarize what I've grokked from these guys below:

David Allen: capture data in trusted system and set times/contexts to execute and review - goal of stress-free productivity; clear psychic RAM and be focus-efficient with the details, free up mindspace for abstract, genius, creative thinking. Goal: Chill time.

Tim Ferriss: Energy and time-efficient clients. Paring down to sparest and most effective actions, outsourcing, automating or eliminate all else.  Work smart and efficiently to be more productive in less time. Goal: Chill time.

Malcolm Gladwell: Blink. I decided. Trust intuition about decisions and eliminate inefficient struggle or self-doubt. Goal: Chill time.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi: 
"It is also important to develop the habit of doing whatever needs to be done with concentrated attention. Even the most routine tasks, like washing dishes, dressing, or mowing the lawn, become more rewarding if we approach them with the care it would take to make a work of art. "
Likens the Flow state to the basic concept of Zen mindfulness. To summarize: GO WASH YOUR BOWL!
Goal: Chill out time.

Jim Loehr: As a corporate athlete, the most energy-efficient way to work is in sprints of hyper/productivity. Focus sprints allow for long periods of downtime to rest, recover, relax. Goal: Chill time.

David Seah: Be aware of how you spend your "billable hour" and if what you're doing is the best use of your time.  Do what's the best use of your time and skillset, don't waste time doing what's beneath your skill level if you can help it. Goal: More chill-time.

Lesson: It's all about chill time.  Being productive, getting tasks done should make you feel relaxed as your reward.  As you are rushing about, crossing off your action items, remember to not only enjoy the moment of closing the open loop, but also consider that the elegant, efficient execution of tasks CREATES space for pleasure-centric activities!

So when your work for the day is done, don't seek out more work.  Enforce a quota for "work time" with yourself, and protect and defend your pleasure-centric hours of the day, however you choose to spend them.  Is there a switch to turn off hyper-productivity and multitasking anxiety? Yes. It's the same switch that turns on your thoughts of pleasure and leisure.

Here is Carmen's "Optimal Mindset" "License to Space Out" recipe, this is what I use to unplug and fall back into full possession of myself:

1. Stop all action.
2. Be alone in a room.
3. Lock the door.
4. Close the laptop.
5. Turn off the phone.
6. Hide the clock.
7. Drink some water.
8. Lie on the floor and be still. Stare at the ceiling or close your eyes.
9. Take 10 deep cleansing breaths.
10. Don't move until something really COMPELS you to move. Observe what motivates you to get up, besides eating and going to the bathroom.

Be still for as long as you can until something COMPELS you to movement.  What's compelling? It's what YOU want to do. It's what you WANT to do.  Not because it's expected, or you're obligated, or you want to prove something. 

This is how I sort my priorities.  By reminding myself how I choose my Next Action, based on what is important to me, and how I want to do things that concern what is important to me.

Breaking down and finding purpose

Today I broke down. It is painful to my ego to admit that I might be suffering from some kind of post-partum depression. But I have been a self-diagnosed "dopamine junkie" since 1999 - and I just realized that I am so Pod-focused, so depleted in energy, that I have no source of dopamine-production stimuli anymore.

The ego leads me back to thoughts of pleasure. Where are my selfish pleasures now? I have no pleasures of the body anymore, and when I even meditate too long on the lack of pleasure my only release is weeping.  I weep as Phoenix cries.  It is my only physical release and one of my only selfish acts these days - the mourning of my "old life," my freedoms, my mobility, my pleasures.

Ah, but there is the trap again - the backward glances, the focus on the lack.  My friend Myke today reminded me that I should be creative, and not just online - but something physical, tangible.  I could argue that I've just produced the most exhaustive and complete creation of my life.  But he is right.  It is imperative that somehow I muster enough energy and focus to be generative. Not just thinking of business/money - but artistically generative.  This is critical to my soul, and to the nurturing of my Pod.

I've been worried about what effect this maternity sabbatical and shift in priorities is having on my career.  I am anxious about how I will manage to return to full-time work focus mode and raise my Pod.  How can my career advance if I can't take client meetings, or if I can't work overtime on innovating solutions?

I look at my tiny son, whose connection to the infinite was so reassuring when he was in my womb. I search his eyes and open my port, willing him to open up our telepathic link and send me glimpses of the future.

"How is this all supposed to work?  How do I make it work?  How do I find ease and balance in this newest level of responsibility and consciousness?"

He stares back. Clear grey eyes. Smiles, wiggles, looks around, distracted by the light. Pouts. Furrows tiny brows and grunts. 
I weep as he watches and listens to me.  The lyrics to "This Woman's Work" loop in my head, triggering fresh onslaughts of tears. . .

"I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't."

No time for thoughts of self. Self-care limited to that which is for the sake of the Pod - keeping my energy up, keeping my milk production up, having just enough patience to respond as much as possible to his needs with gentleness, sweetness, nurturing - because that is what he deserves.  No time for thoughts of romance. Fresh tears. Dark, unenlightened, sub-optimal word forms and thoughts conspire with sleep deprivation and materialize resentments for which there are no cures nor justifications. I aim to just let the thoughts pass, flow through me, letting them pass.

Dining out on memories now. The dopamine junkie in me is starved, begins to loop back to old memories, if only to squeeze out any leftover chemical reaction to soothe myself.  Then I berate myself for looking back. Then I berate myself for berating myself.  Then I breathe and jolt myself back into the present moment. Must be present in the moment, musn't miss a precious minute of these early days of Pod's life . . . slipping away like wax melting off a candle . . .

I rock Phoenix in my arms, he quiets, I keep crying, a spontaneous force-restart litany of offering/acknowledging abundance. . . my litany of Thank You's -
Thank you for my healthy perfect son, thank you for my health and recovery, thank you for all the love that I am given, for friends, for family. Thank you for the sentience, thank you for this life, thank you for all the challenges which are so minor in comparison to the lives of those less fortunate, thank you that I have food for myself and can provide shelter and milk for my son, thank you for all my needs which are provided for. Thank you for my son's life and purpose. Thank you for my life. Thank you for my purpose, my purpose, my purpose. . . .

My purpose is not to satisfy my ego and its to fall into its traps of comparative successes.  My purpose is not to be a career oriented over achiever, or even to be acknowledged or lauded for my achievements. 
My purpose is the transformation and utmost evolution of my soul and awareness, to live with optimal energetic balance to give and receive love, to transcend the traps of the ego by living simply but with maximum sentience, to use my intellect, experience, compassion, skills and interpersonal intuitions to provide for my survival and the survival of my child primarily, and for the support and betterment of my loved ones/mutual arising, secondarily.

As an individual human on this planet, in this life, this is my purpose.

New Moon in Leo

As I begin my lunar ritual tonight, I have a lot to reflect/meditate on, as usual.  But the excerpts below are particularly apt. . . sigh. . . must. check. self. before. wreck. self.

New Moon Message from Astrowisdom.com

If you tend toward the Leo drama-queen spectrum of emotional expression, you could use this Moon to do some powerful healing work with your inner "enfant terrible". Reality-check Saturn in Leo makes this a very good New Moon cycle to take a hard look at your own emotional reactivity; especially if you suffer with mood swings. It is possible to love deeply, feel deeply, and create deeply, without wreaking havoc in your own life and the lives of those around you.

Leo often gets hooked into the importance of keeping up appearances (especially with Venus (beauty) in Leo; how we look, what we own, what we do, become, for many people, the definers of self. More than anything Leo wants to be noticed and appreciated.

I Twitter'd my Entire Childbirth/Labor Experience

Some people think it's insane that I was updating my Twitter stream throughout my childbirth/labor experience - as in during my contractions, from the hospital bed, through my water breaking, my epidural, and immediately after pushing out the Pod.

It's not that I needed everyone to know every single detail. People WANTED to know - loved ones from all over the world were calling my phone, my husband's phone, my sisters' phones - all wanting to know if Pod had emerged yet. My loved ones, friends and family alike, were ENGAGED and INVESTED in this event.

I share my life online, and have been doing so, in various incarnations and under various monikers, since 1999. So I shared this experience also - as part of my digital evolution. It is also a permanent record, for myself, to remember the hyper-conscious moments - and relive them.

Photos of my beautiful son are here on Flickr.

Here is my/Phoenix's Birth Story, which I summarized to send to my  in-laws, who are in the UK:

Phoenix Orison De Jesus Kenefick
Born Sunday, July 15th, 2007 at 8.43pm, 8 lbs 11 oz, 21 inches long, head 13 cm, after 15.5 hours of labor

I was scheduled to be called in for the labor induction on Saturday, July 14th, and the hospital told us to be ready to come in as early as 5am that morning, so that is what Matt and I prepared for.  We waited for the call from the hospital - for an available bed/room for labor and delivery.  It was so hot that day - completely sweltering - and I was so impatient to get "the show on the road" - torn between impatience and growing anxiety.  We waited the ENTIRE day for the hospital to call - and I even called them several times to inquire - but the women in labor that day weren't giving birth very quickly - so it was just a waiting game - no one to blame, really - whatever babies were en route that day were taking their time.

Up until 11.00pm on Saturday night we waited.  I called the hospital one last time to inquire - and ask if I should just go to bed and wait for their call in the morning. I was told that I could be called in at any time - even in the wee hours - 2am/3am - whenever.  So I said, fine, I'm going to bed.

At 11.30pm, just as I had brushed my teeth, had resigned myself to waiting until the next day, and was getting settled in for sleep, I received a call - FROM THE HOSPITAL!  The nurse who called me was the same one I'd been talking to all day - and she apologized for the wait - but told me that they were ready for me - and that I had 30 mins to prepare and get to the hospital to get started!!!!

The entire household, though tired from waiting around all day, sprung into immediate action. My bags were packed and ready.  Matt and I collected some final things, and we took off for the 5 minute drive to the hospital, with my mother and 3 of my sisters (1 sister had waited all day, but then had to go home) in tow.  We all descended into the lobby, where I breezed through Admitting because I had pre-registered a few days earlier.  The nurse let us all in, and we were shown into our room.  It was a private room - where not only the induction would begin, but the actual delivery would take place.  We all settled in, and I changed into a hospital gown.  My sister Zandi braided my hair, and I did a light make-up job to maintain a bit of glamour and presentability throughout the process.

The nurse took my vitals, had me sign some forms, and started me on my IV.  My ob/gyn came in, checked me and told me my cervix was still completely closed, and that they would start me on an IV of Cytotek, which would help stimulate my cervical dilation.

My cervix needed to be 10 cm dilated for me to deliver.  I was at 0cm dilated.  So we had a long way to go.  After they started the IV, I was no longer allowed to eat or drink anything except ice chips until after the actual delivery.  Since we had such a long wait in store, they gave me some Benadryl in my IV to put me to sleep, so I could conserve my energy.  I slept from about 1am - 5am.  The nurse and doctor both told me that it could take up to 24 hours for me to achieve full dilation. They kept trying to warn me that the induction "might not work" and not to be disappointed or discouraged if it took a long time. "Some women, with their first pregnancies, have been here for up to 72 hours," said Dr. Ngo.

HA!  Obviously, they didn't know who they were dealing with.  I have very intimate communication and cooperation not only with Pod in my tummy, but with every cell in my body, and I know how to get all my cells and organs to work together in coordinated concert.

I slept, with Matt at my side.  My mother went to go visit her station of the hospital - Postpartum - and they were short a nurse and asked her to work.  Despite the fact she'd worked a full 12 hour shift the night before, and hadn't slept because she was also waiting up with us for the hospital to call, she decided to work a few hours to help out her station, plus she'd also be closeby to me. She was running on adrenaline - she said she couldn't have slept anyway.  My other sisters went home to sleep.

At 5am, the doctor and nurse came in, and checked me again.  HAHA!  I'd gone from 0cm to 3cm dilated in only 4 hours.  They were stunned! Heh.  The doctor decided then to start me on the pitocin - which is what they use to begin inducing my uterine contractions.

For the next 5 hours, I dilate a little bit more, and the contractions begin - uncomfortable, and I put my headphones on and start humming and singing to breathe through the discomfort.  As I was taught in my Hypnobirthing courses at my hypnotherapy school, I only allowed myself to think of the discomfort as "pressure and sensation" - and never even referred to my discomfort as pain - not to the medical team, anyone or even my internal dialogue.

At around 10am, and 4cm dilated, the discomfort becomes nearly unbearable, and I feel my energy draining from me as I try to breathe through it.  I decide then it is time to ask for my epidural.  The anesthesiologist, a wonderful and skilled doctor, comes in and administers the epidural into my back.  I feel the numbness begin from my lower back, all the way down to my toes, almost immediately.  My body relaxes - and about 30 minutes later I feel a POP!  My water breaks!

The doctor tells me that now that my water has broken that I should dilate a lot more quickly . . . at 3pm, I'm at 6cm dilated, only 4 more to go.  The contractions are more intense, and I can feel Baby Pod bearing down on me.  I listen to my music, hum, breathe. Matt is at my side, holding my hand and pressing down at a specific acupressure point to relieve pain.

At 5pm I am 8 cm dilated.  I rest as much as possible to conserve energy for the pushing to come. At 7pm I am 10 cm, fully dilated.  The nurse tells me that Pod's head is still rather high up, and that althought I am fully dilated, I should wait until Pod's head drops down till he's almost right on top of my cervix, so I can minimize the time and effort needed to push him out.  It's a nearly unbearable pressure I feel, but I tell her that I can do it - that I can wait.

Inside myself, I tell Pod we have to work together.  I tell him he has to swim and squirm.  I send him guiding tones with the hums in my exhalations.  There is a monitor for his heart rate, so that with each contraction the medical team and the family can see where he is pushing and trying to make his way down.  When he is actively moving, the monitor shows his heart rate is between 155 - 170.  When he is resting, his heart rate goes down to about 130s.  So I coordinate with Pod, and tell him "Let's go" and his heart rate goes up.  When I can't bear the pressure anymore, I say out loud "Take a break, Pod" and his heart rate drops back to a resting rate of 130s.  People watch as he responds to my requests.

Just after 8pm, they check me again. The nurse is astonished that his head has dropped down to exactly where it needs to be so quickly.  She calls the doctor, and they prepare me to begin pushing.  The doctor arrives, my feet go up into the stirrups, and my labor team of my sister Nikki, Matt, and my mom take their places.  I can here a little voice inside my head saying "I'm coming, Mommy" and my body starts to shake and cry. The nurse calls this "the transition."

I push with all my might, turning up the music on my headphones so I can concentrate - because everyone around me is just yelling excitedly - Pushpushpushpush!!! - I am only listening to the doctor telling me how long to hold the push, and focusing all my thoughts on telling Pod it squirm and swim - visualizing a dolphin spinning in the water as it gives birth to its spinning baby dolphin - humming and breathing to envelope him with sonic lubrication and signal for him to lock on to and to guide him - telling him that if it takes every last bit of my life force, I was going to push him into the light. That was my focus - to give Pod my life force - even all of it.

About 5 or so cycles of pushing - and an episiotomy ( I had to be cut because Pod's head was too big ) - just a little over 30 minutes of pushing, I felt a huge rush and push as a live little person dove out of me!

He had a slight temperature at birth, so after cleaning and weighing him, and after Matt cut the umbilical cord, they let me meet him before whisking him away to be monitored, etc.  Matt went with him, while I stayed behind to be repaired and attended to by the doctor and nurses post-delivery.  After I was all stitched up and cleaned up, they wheeled me to the postpartum ward, where I rested.  Three hours elapsed between delivery and the time when Phoenix and Matt were brought to me.

Matt stayed with us in the private room, so all three of us were together.  I barely slept.  The next day, my mother was scheduled to work at the hospital so she was officially assigned to the care of me and Phoenix, which was very nice.  We all went home on Tuesday afternoon, where my sisters had prepared and decorated our room to welcome us.

--------------

Matt and I did not attend any childbirth classes or trainings.  All of these rituals, visualizations, meditations and practices I came up with on my own, a syncretization of prayer, meditation, trance work, self hypnosis, NLP, Hypno-birthing, tranceformational breathing, acupressure, mindfulness, and pain transcendence techniques. I made a decision to create the childbirth experience I wanted for myself and for my little Phoenix, and together we made it happen.

Spacing Out and Going Under Deep Cover - The Final Countdown Friday the 13th

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to the hospital tomorrow. I will not have any wireless/internet access as of tomorrow morning - and hopefully/probably will not be checking my email again until sometime on Monday or next week, AFTER I give birth.

The Pod has been very restless is my tummy these past few days, moving and stretching within me nonstop.  I've been packing my maternity bag, cleaning up my room a little, washing all the little Pod-clothes, hats, booties and blankets, and trying to stay cool, stay preoccupied, take lots of naps, and remain fairly "normal."

But today is the last day of Podlessness, if he cooperates with the medical procedures tomorrow, which are designed to coax him from his safe uterus apartment, where he has been growing and doing his womb-kata, giving me all sorts of psychic advice thanks to his uplink to the infinite (which incidentally I believe will be curtailed to a certain degree to give his spirit the opportunity to rediscover the wonders of life after he is born "into the light"), where he has been thriving on my nutrients and preparing himself.

Today I send my final emails, return some phone calls, and begin my self-created ritual of preparation.  While I am not a Scientologist, I do appreciate the intention behind their theories of silent birth - and will be enforcing a radio silence within myself starting tomorrow morning, communicating very little except with those directly present around me - so I can focus all my energies and thoughts on guiding, directing, reassuring and invoking my little Pod into this world with calm confidence and supreme grace.

The #1 question I've been asked - "Are you ready?"  I can't even begin to answer that with full honesty.  I could answer with halting bewilderment - or with a Zen-koan type riddle about "What is Readiness?" or "Ready or Not, Pod is coming." I could give a less-than-confident answer about how I could be more ready - if I had taken childbirth classes like Lamaze or something, and if I had been one of those "I'm thoroughly researching every possible procedure so I can be a fully medically informed person"-type of new mothers.

But here is the reality of my "readiness" as of this moment:

1) My maternity bag is very nearly finished being packed.
2) I still have bits of laundry and cleaning in preparation for bringing Pod home
3) I'm already pre-registered at the hospital, and will just be waiting for the call from Labor & Delivery at the Antelope Valley Women & Infants Pavilion - which can come as early as 5am tomorrow morning - when they will let me know what time I can come in to begin the induction procedures.
4) I have done a bit of research and will be printing out a "short list" of labor-inducing acupressure points, etc. to bring with me to assist in the process tomorrow.
5) Yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble and Matt bought me a lovely leather journal and some magazines for the hospital
6) Today, my agenda consists of:
    a) getting the car a tune-up (for Pod-safety)
    b) buying some extra mini-DV tapes for the camcorder
    c) recording my self-Hypno Birthing script and music playlist to my mp3 player
    d) mailing some Thank You cards (already overdue!)
    e) bits of Pod-laundry and room-prep
    f) 1pm final prenatal massage
    g) manicure/pedicure (if I can fit it in)
    h) eating the magical labor-inducing salad that my mom will pick up for me when she goes into LA tonight
    i) trying to take lots of naps and conserve energy in this heat for tomorrow's marathon
    j) wrap-up updates and final communications before radio silence begins at midnight tonight

7) I've reviewed and considered a "birth plan" which is one of those long forms you can put together for yourself that makes all your medical decisions in advance in case anything happens.  Since I don't have a doula/midwife, and neither my mother nor my husband can speak for me (because of my autonomous, Aquarian nature) - I've made some decisions for my own self and have them at the ready.

All my skills of visualization, focus, concentration, relaxation, manifestation, will be at their height today and tomorrow - my training, my experience in Optimal Mindset put to the test.  All "pain" will be reframed as "pressure and sensation" and I will focus on communion with Pod as well as every cell in my body, for optimal balance of health, for skin elasticity and expansion, for summoning  and surrendering to the unconscious collective and infinite knowledge of the human body to perform the task of bringing new life into the world. 

Tonight I will prepare, as I have been preparing, like a professional athlete about to run a race - visualizing each step, from preparation, to the starting line, through the course - seeing myself maintain balance, poise, stamina, and solid lock focus throughout every possible weather - all the way through to the finish line.  Seeing myself through to completion with grace, ease, strength and even through minimal need for recovery time.  Until I can see myself, and be in the real moment where Pod is pressed to my breast and I can look at my baby son and know in my deepest heart what my life, my purpose and my evolution is really about. All other definitions of myself, identities, goals and priorities - I surrender and suspend today - in preparation for this transmutation.  I give thanks and open my heart to receive all the love thoughts, well wishes, positive vibrations and support from you, my friends and family, and give you these words to share my life and honest experience and thoughts, because my purpose on this earth is to be a conduit of love and maximum sentience.

FINAL FAQs

1. I've called you and left a voicemail, when are you going to call me back?
I'm sorry I haven't returned all voicemails.  I've been spaced out. If I don't call you back today, then I will call you when I get home from the hospital - whenever that is.

2. I've emailed you in response to your updates, are you going to email me back?
I'm going to try to return all individual emails today.

3. When can I visit you and the Pod?
If you want to drive to Lancaster on Sunday - hopefully Pod will be here by then - you can come and visit us in the hospital.  If not, I'll be here at my mom's house with Pod for the next 6 weeks, and you are welcome to visit us anytime. I'll be on maternity leave for 6 weeks. I don't expect we will be doing any traveling ( to San Francisco, etc. ) until perhaps sometime after Labor Day.

4. How can I be notified if I want to know how everything goes tomorrow?
You can call/text my husband or my sister, Nikki - please email me if you want the #s.

5. I'm so curious about Pod's name being revealed when he is born - when/how will you announce it?
I may send a "blog post from my phone" to my blog - so you can check it here.

6.  Until what time tonight will you be checking emails/taking calls?
I will be checking emails until midnight-ish, taking calls until about 9ish.

7.  After the Pod is born, will you be less available to me - is it selfish of me to want to talk to you about what's going on in my life?
Understandably, my main focus will be the Pod and my family.  It isn't selfish to talk about your life, and because my loved ones are extremely important to me, I will ALWAYS want to know what's going on, give you support, encouragement, commiseration and help where and when I can.  If you really need me, don't leave me out, I have more love than ever now and have plenty to share.

Pod is clamoring for breakfast. I need to start this day.  I can't get that dumbass "It's the FINAL COUNTDOWN" song out of my head because it's on an infomercial I see all the time, and because Beth had to sing it into my voicemail the other day.  I need to get another song in my head - something marathon appropriate - "Eye of the Tiger"-ish -- any suggestions would be welcome, as would any mp3s you would like to send for me to include in my "Childbirth/Labor Mp3 Megamix" that I'm putting together.

Always, always with more gratitude and more love,

Carmen - The Incubatrix

P.S. - Final FAQ

8.  What were you thinking about when you were planning out the "creation of your childbirth experience?
See list below for the questions I asked myself:

How to Create the Childbirth Experience I want

OPTIMAL GOAL
1. What kind of childbirth experience do I want for myself? What do I want it to be for my Pod?

LIMITING BELIEF TO BE RELEASED
2.  What image needs to be fully replaced with a more optimal visualization preparation? What do I fear right now?

STRATEGY
3. What next actions can I take to prepare this experience?

TEAM BUILDING AND DELEGATION
4. Who are the resources I need to call on and what tasks/responsibilities do I need to assign/outsource?

FOCUS
5. What thoughts/visions/mantras should I focus on before, during and after the induction/childbirth process?

Pod Emergence resched to Saturday July 14th

I. Labor Induction Rescheduled to July 14th - Mark your Calendars!

The induction/Pod's Emergence has been rescheduled to Saturday, July 14th.

Reasons why this is cool: 
a) July 14th is my husband's (the Podfather's) adopted birthday.
b) July 14th is a new moon
c) July 14th is Bastille Day
d) Because it's a Saturday, more family can come and be with me as I wait on the labor . . .

II. C'mon, DILATE
Okay, so my cervix is totally closed still. I'm not dilated at all. My primary ob/gyn is Dr. Ngo - a conservative, rather clinical man. I had to see his partner, Dr. Farid, the other week.  Dr. Farid is an older fellow, kind of brusque and extremely forthright.  I told him I was freaking out a little bit about the whole induction process, and he kept waving his hand at me, telling me that with an epidural, it's all a PIECE OF CAKE. (Incidentally, my mother, who gave birth to me and my 4 sisters, keeps saying that childbirth is a PIECE OF CAKE.  I wish people would say something else because it makes me really want to eat some cake, which I can't right now, on account of my gestational diabetes) 

Dr. Farid said this:

- You have boyfriend? Husband?
    - Husband, I say.
- Can he sucks your nipples?
    - Wha-ha? I say.
- It will stimulate the oxytocin (he points to my head) - same as the pitocin we use to induce contractions
    - Uh, ok, I say.
- And can you Orgasm-uh?
    - Um, I haven't in awhile . .
- Orgasm-uh is good . . helps to dilate the cervix...

I half expected him to write it on his prescription pad "Sucks nipples and Orgasmuh"

A conversation with Dr. Ngo:

- So Ma'am (he calls me Ma'am) - you're still not dilated.
    - At all?
- Not at all. Completely closed.
    - So what can I do? Walk? Jump? Climb stairs? Eat a magical salad?**
- Those things don't really work. .
    - So what natural things CAN I do to help me dilate?
- Uh. . ahh. . . sex (he says, really haltingly) - the prostaglandins in the semen help to ripen the cervix.  . . and also. . nipple stimulation. .
    - Um, okay, thanks.

My sister Nikki found the restaurant online which claims to have a "labor-inducing salad."  It's in Studio City.  We'll either get that salad, or try to make it here at home, and I'll eat it on Friday night.  Also, I've been waddling in the mall.  I'm very heavy now - my belly hard and round, and I just discovered that I weigh 178 lbs - terrifyingly close to 2 bills!  I can't get up or sit down without an involuntary exposition of "OOF."

III.  License to Freak Out

Monday, July 9th - after several days of not sleeping well due to the extreme 100+ F heat here in the desert - I awoke AGAIN at 5am, and made a decision - to give myself full, free license to totally freak out as much as I want about labor, childbirth, etc. until Saturday morning.  In previous weeks I was fighting it - berating myself for not having better prepared, or for freaking out or crying at all.  Reading preggy books and websites with all these women's labor horror stories and whipping myself up into a fine freaked out state.  Totally losing my Optimal Mindset.

New Strategy:  To exhaust/blow out my fears and anxieties until I get totally bored of freaking out, so that when Saturday rolls around, I will be hyper-focused and serene, with all my energies and emotions at optimal levels and locked on my psychic link with with Pod.

In a conversation with Heather, I affirmed this for myself:

"There will be money, and jobs, and projects and a place to live, and solutions to all the little dilemmas and logistics
in an ordered sequence
and it's my job
to just stay MINDFUL of the moment I'm in
and execute and exist within this moment
as fully and powerfully and with as much self-awareness as I am capable of.
and all the freaking out about "what if's?" are totally unnecessary and lame
and not authentic to my true self, which I know is prescient, powerful and completely unstoppable
because *I* am the ONLY person who ever could stop me from getting what i want
so even *I* have to tell MY OWN SELF "Get on board, or get out of my way""

IV. Pod has named himself

Everyone asks if we have a name for Pod.  I knew that Pod would name himself.  And he has.  During a recent prenatal massage (wherein Pod and I have our most intimate conversations), I had a mini-dream/visualization: I was sitting, propped up, in the hospital bed, being asked to fill out Pod's birth certificate forms.  Without hesitation, I saw myself writing out a name, in my own handwriting, letter-by-letter - until I had Pod's first and middle name, ending with De Jesus-Kenefick.  It's definitely an unusual name - poetic, epic, literary - but not one that I would have thought of.  I even challenged this vision, by forcing myself to imagine writing a different name - any other name, but in the visualization the letters kept coming out the same - that original name as directed by the Pod.  He has chosen for himself, and has also requested that his name be kept secret until he is born.  I will honor his request.  Only Matt and I know the name.  When I was finished with my massage that day, I told Matt "I have news from Pod."  We had a special lunch at the little French Cafe at the Grove/Farmer's Market, where I wrote the name on a piece of paper, and handed it over to Matt to read. Matt was stunned, but as we lunched, we both were kind of spaced out, as we mulled over the fit of such a name.  We are both committed to honoring Pod's request.  My mom's reaction to this: "Yeah, right."  But I will not deviate from this vision.

V.  Thank you cards on their way out!

I only just went on official maternity leave from my full-time job, so I've finally gotten around to writing my personal thank you notes to everyone who was so kind and generous in their gifts for Pod.  We have so much stuff - and we're excited to be using all the Pod-gear!  I apologize for the delay in expressing my written gratitude, but please know that I am so blessed, grateful and appreciative of all the kind support of my wonderful friends and family. 

More to come, as I am expressing in words as freely as I expect to express milks for the Pod . . . and am thankful for all the emails, phone calls and texts.

Always with more love,

Carmen, the Incubatrix

Launch Sequence Initiated: Pod Emergence Scheduled for July 12th, 2007

So. . . uh. . . let's get this show on the road.

I've just returned from my final ultrasound, where I found out:

a) Pod is official "in position" - which means he is upside down, his still malleable skull right where it needs to be.
b) Pod is 8 lbs 7 oz ALREADY.  He will be a big baby. The ultrasound tech called him a "fatty."  I wanted to punch her.
c) If you didn't already know, Pod is confirmed as a boy. He's shy to show his face, but he's been showing off his nether proofs of maleness since 20 weeks.

What does this mean?

It means that Pod is ready, launch sequence initiated, and that he and gravity conspire for his emergence with every step I take in an upright position.

It means that I have a nearly 9 lbs bowling ball inside me, pressing down on my bladder and parts.

My sister Nikki, who is back from college in San Luis Obispo, has been driving me and accompanying me to my doctor's appointments lately. My stomach won't fit behind the wheel anymore.  We discussed the giant-ness of the Pod and how "excited" everyone is.

"It's hard for me to be excited," I said, "I'm more terrified."

"Ha ha," she said, "TEAR-ified."

I slapped her on the arm. Hard.

I'm not afraid of motherhood or raising a child.  But this giant baby, and getting him safely out of his uterus apartment without busting myself open - yes, I am tear-ified.

---

My gestational diabetes is under control, thanks to a very strict diet and constant blood sugar monitoring.  So I was able to escape having to shoot myself up with insulin - which the internist had initially told me that he was "80-90% sure" I was going to have to do.

Many thanks to Sylvie - my college roommate, friend and nutritionist - who not only helped to recommend many tasty and diabetes-friendly food choices, but who also sent me a care package of sugar-free/low-carb treats.

---

So, in 9 days or so, July 12th. ( My actual due date is July 18th, but because Pod is so big already, the doctor advised we induce labor one week early.  Which originally would have been July 11th, but he's not on call that day, so now it's July 12th)

The hospital will call me as early as 5am on July 12th to let me know when to come in.  They tell you on that day, and no sooner, what time they are ready for you.

With my packed bag of clothes, toiletries, music, etc., we will take the 5 minute drive from my mom's house to the hospital.
Park the car, close the door, heart beating fast.
Walk through the doors. Check in. Get my room, as if checking into a hotel.

Wait for the doctor. They'll start me on an IV I guess. More waiting. Maybe an enema so I don't poop the delivery table.
The doctor checks to see how dilated my cervix is.  If I'm not already well on my way (need to be 10 cm dilated I think, to deliver),
they'll "stick something inside me" to help "ripen my cervix."  Ahem.  Then we wait.

I'll make sure my eyebrows and lipstick are done.  Then have one of my sisters braid my hair.  Have my mp3 player at the ready with a continuous mix of music and meditations. Try to laugh. Record some video footage. Stay chill.

And when I am dilated enough, they start the pitocin to induce my uterine contractions.

Then that's where I hear the "Fun" begins.  The pushing, the huffing and puffing, the not pushing, the expanding, the everything that you see in the movies.

Until, until . .. . . .

The entire time my intention is to maintain psychic link with Pod, to help guide him from his safe little haven and into the light as best I can.

---

More thoughts soon. Might as well write it all out to help me cope with the anxiety. Wrangle it all into words and thoughtforms, create neural pathways of how I want the experience to be - as much as I can control is all in my own head. .

Always with more love,

Carmen - the Incubatrix

Top Five Things I am Visualizing and Invoking from the Quanta

START: Meditations upon the word OMNIFIC.

1. Healthy, robust, miraculously effortless and complication-free labor and delivery of the POD.
2. Optimally priced (between $1500-$2000/month), safe neighborhood, cat-friendly 2 bedroom home on the West Side of Los Angeles with parking, lots of light and space, friendly vibe and ready to move in anytime between July 15th and August 1st, 2007.
3. Optimally priced, fuel-efficient, safe family vehicle that will fit all of Pod's gear for lease or purchase by October 1st in blue or white.
4. Expedient healing and post-partum recovery and improved fitness and reestablishment of athletic fighting weight (goal 125 lbs)  by January 2008.
5. Lucrative surprise gigs in a) voice-over/narration, b) productivity workshop, c) writing and d) consulting by September 2007.

These things have already been fulfilled, beautifully, and I claim them as mine.  I remain patient and open and ready to receive each opportunity that leads me directly or indirectly to their physical manifestation, according to the sequence of ordered events that is Time.

Thank you.

This New Moon in Gemini and Incubatrix Reports: SHOUTS OUT

Tonight is a new moon.

This is the New Moon for all of us to reclaim our mental space; to set limits on what gets our attention, and to carefully examine how our current diet of information is affecting our lives.

This is the right New Moon to communicate your wishes, dreams and desires to those who can aid your progress. The truth is, no one does it completely alone and learning to ask for help at the right time is one of life's hardest lessons. Over the next two weeks as the Moon waxes to fullness, try to really hear what those around you have to say about your wishes, and take their advice to heart. Honest and clear communication is a two-way street and the best way to achieve a successful outcome for all.

Of course for those of you who make your living in the communications/publishing field, this is the best time to initiate new projects in film, video, TV, publishing, and writing. Deal with your fear and just get the work out there!

One last thing, Gemini rules change. This is the best night to work on managing your fear of change. Everything changes; it is the nature of Maya, the field of relativity. When we ride the changes and make surfing the waves of change a vehicle for success, we actualize the highest expression of Gemini. This is the New Moon to celebrate the power knowledge holds to broaden our perspective and open our minds!

A glut of news, in the context of gratitude:

News from the Incubatrix:

1. According to my doctor's visit today, the Pod will emerge on July 11th. He is already very big, and the doctor wants to induce him a week early.

Thank You for the safe, elegant, healthy labor and delivery of my baby son.  Thank you, Little Pod, for choosing me to birth and guide you into the world.

2. I've been diagnosed with gestational diabetes, and will being shooting myself up with insulin twice a day start next week, for the remainder of my pregnancy.  I now monitor my blood sugar levels 4x/day and follow a diabetic's diet, with much thanks to my college roommate/nutritionist, Sylvie Nalezny.
My decreased ability to produce enough insulin for me and Pod has left him working hard to process all my excess glucose, and as a result, he's gotten bigger faster.

Thank you for modern medicine, and the restabilized health that is already mine. I call upon my cells to recall their state of perfect balance, and adjust and restore optimal health for me and my baby.

3. My liver and kidney tests returned normal results.

Thank you liver. Thank you kidneys. For doing what you do.

4. I was fortunate enough to be thrown THREE baby showers.  Everyone wants to party with the Pod!  I had a lovely shower/lunch thrown for me by Ms. Jenn at work, another LA-based shower thrown for for me by my lovely almost-10 years as friends favorite RedHead Beth Manning, and a San Francisco-based baby shower thrown for me by my dear friend and professional caterer, Idit Oz.  Packages from Amazon never cease, and I've received almost everything on my Baby Registry from loving and supportive friends.  It's pretty amazing, and I am so blessed by everyone's generosity.  I will have to lay everything we received out in the living room, Price-is-Right showcase style.  My deepest thanks to these lovely ladies who took such time, care, effort and thoughtfulness to bring people together to celebrate Pod's emergence.

Thank you Jonathan, Scotty, Courtenay, Trattner, Feaver.
Thank you Ms. Jenn, Xenia, Elina, Melisa, Jen T, Jennifer M, Perrin, Fader, and MT.
Thank you Beth, Michael, Shirley, Mama, Toni, Zandi, Nikki, Tin, Cherry, Danielle, Kuya Marc, Susanna, Charmaine, Art, Cindy, Myke, Peter, Heather, Luz, Liani and Gregory.
Thank you Idit, Sylvie, Meagan, John, Jeremy and Melisa, Chris/Leo, Miri and Matt, Charmaine, Jim and Lori.

Thank you family. Thank you, Podfather. Thank you.

5. I am still Jabba the Hutt. I wish I could have a prenatal massage every day.  I have been yearning for a mojito, a nice pinot noir, a new corset, high heel shoes, and now even yearning for foods which I definitely cannot eat on my new diet.

Thank You for the food I have available to me, the little luxuries, and the avail/ability to drink milks whenever my Pod needs it.

6. Still no name for our Baby Pod. He *has* whispered a secret name to me, but I won't share it. I have to see if it matches his face. The photos here are from Pod's 4d-ultrasound.

Thank you for your whispers, Pod.

Tonight with the new moon I will shift my focus, the majority of it - to my health and supporting the health and graceful guidance and labor of the Pod's Emergence.

Tonight with the new moon I allow all wonderful ideas which have been gestating within me to be induced and and birthed by me, in a torrent of flowing creativity.

Tonight I visualize and claim the discovery and securing of the optimal place for our little family to live; the robust health and well-being of my son, my husband, myself and my family; continued progress and delightfully lucrative opportunities to use my skills and talents to support my family; an easy recovery.  To all these visions I invest breaths of my own lifeforce and pluck these strings from the infinite quanta. I make space, give thanks, and hold steadfast and unshakeable faith that as I imagine, meditate, pray and invoke, that these things must be so, because I WILL it, I WISH it, I SEE it, IT IS.

Optimal Mindset versus 3rd Trimester Preggy Hormones: FIGHT!

About 8 weeks to go until Pod's arrival.  The pregnancy has been going fairly well, except that I may have developed gestational diabetes.  More blood tests this coming week.  Most people who've been around me say that I'm pretty "normal" and surprisingly even-keeled, even immune to a lot of work-related stresses. 

But I've been feeling a little low these past 2 wks or so.  Feeling the waves of hormones and crying jags. Spacing out and filling the "space-outs" with anxieties.  I feel so slow, heavy and torpid. Stuck. Trapped. Immobilized by my own weight.  Sometimes I'll do "kick-counts" of Pod's movements.  Sometimes he can move/kick/turn about 100 times in 10 minutes.  It exhausts me.

So I've been crankier, and sleeping extra, and not going out anywhere at all, which in turn makes me feel cagey and cabin fevered and lame.  I've also been having yucky thoughts.

Normally I don't allow myself to focus on dissatisfactions or self-destructive thoughts, especially because I do believe that "what you focus on, grows," and if I allow myself to focus on feeling trapped and dissatisfied I can work myself into a fine state in my own mind, and end up mad and crying and feeling frustrated and desperate.

When this happens I do try my best to self-regulate.  I start a litany of "Thank you's" - counting my blessings and focusing on being content, alive, blessed and safe, forcing my gaze to the sky and breathing deeply to dissolve the incipient dark knots of clouds brewing in the scowl across my forehead.  I try, I try, I am blessed, I am cared for, everything happens as it should, I am blessed, thank you for my life, thank you for my healthy baby, thank you for my family, thank you for my job, thank you for my husband, I am grateful and thankful and blessed for my friends, for all my support and the people I can count on for love and care. . . I try, I try.

I've even succumbed lately to naming my feelings, which I try to avoid doing because in naming feelings I buy into their materialized existence.  I've been talking about feeling "fragile" and  "tender" and "anxious" - and those words trigger certain physiological and psychological reactions within me.  Although I know full well that I create my own state, I've not been able to help these feelings lately, which only makes me criticize my own self for knowing better and yet letting my own self-control slip. 

At least payday is coming round again, I will be able to treat myself to a sorely needed prenatal massage, a manicure/pedicure, maybe a facial.  I've been working too hard on all fronts, just for survival, just to keep my mind active even as I feel my body has been hijacked.  And there are a few lovely Pod-centric baby celebrations upcoming.  That will cheer me even as this home stretch taxes me with it's hormonal roller coaster, physical and emotional demands.

My Psychic Pod: A little Kwisatz Haderach

I love Frank Herbert's Dune series.  I love the movie. I love the mythology. I've always identified myself as a Bene Gesserit, and the mythology of the Bene Gesserit Reverend Mothers, who transfer lifetimes of knowledge to each other, so that within them at any time is the ability to fully access the wisdom of their predecessors.  I strive to seek out the infinite voices within myself, the divine and eternal intuitive guidance.  I believe that's where Pod's consciousness is fully connected now, and he is readying himself for another soul journey as my son.  I won't let him forget his intuition, but I will give him fully to this world and to the light and to his own path and learning through experience, and guide him as best I can.  For now, he's 3 for 3 guiding and predicting some pretty important life events. I've been consulting the little Man like he's my psychic 8 ball.  Of course, I think it's mostly that he's the embodiment of my own intuition.

Pod's got all his infinite knowledge and psychic connection with the ethereal grid on right now, so it's been good to have chats with him and make use of his confident and prescient little voice.  Of course, when he is born and "given to the light" as the Romance languages put it, he'll be sort of wiped of that. . in the same way a hard drive is ghosted and repartitioned.  I believe that traces of the original data are there . . just more elusive to access.  I follow the belief that this happens because the joy of discovery is what infinite spirits enjoy most.  We cannot know a full knowledge of a lifetime, at the time of our birth.  What fun would that be? How would we ever know and enjoy youth, and learning, and firsts?

Carmen's Newest Blog

In the spirit of my constant self-creation and re-invention, I've started a new blog that features all of my technology/social media/web app/nerd observations: Digital Empath.  You are welcome to visit there, too.

An Aquarian and Her Ego: A Devotional Offering

It's my time again, my Aquarian season, the time of year I emerge from my reclusive cocoon and invite the world to notice me. I allow myself to be celebrated, without shame or false humility.
As I embark on my 32nd year, I feel more accomplished, more grounded, more powerful, more grateful and more keenly aware of my purpose and my effect on the world around me.

I begin with gratitude. Gratitude to wrestle the black "you're getting older" birthday clouds that always encroach.

I stop. I breathe in, and I am flooded with poignant, joyful gratitude as I think of the many blessings that fill my life:

For my wonderful family: 

My dear Papa, and all the strength he passed to me, all the gifts that are yet manifesting themselves in me as I grow. I thank him for the peace and forgiveness that he and I were able to share before he died.  After a lifetime of rage, hurt, violence and resentment, I hold only love, joy and peace in my heart when I summon his memory.

For my Mama - a woman of strength, courage, compassion, generosity, and selflessness, who never seems to run out of love to give to a new adopted member of the family, whose work ethic and faith is a model for all her daughters, who laughs, sings, and enjoys the gifts of life even while working 3 jobs to support her family and even her extended family, as a single mother.

For my beautiful Sisters; for the unique relationships I share with each of them; for our mutual commitments to unconditional support, understanding and love; for the talents we share and express; for the times of silly girlish joys and the deepest compassion throughout life's trials, however big or small.  With my Sisters, there is no trivialization of hurts, but there is also no yielding to weakness, because our collective strength, outlook and faith never fails to buoy the spirit.

For my grandparents, for their lifetime of patience, hard work, devotion and love, and all they wish to pass on to us, but sometimes never get the chance.

For my aunts and uncles, for being family, for being human, for being collective parents to me when I need them to be.

For my cousins, who are as close to me as brothers and sisters - for their mutual commitment to defining what family means to our generation - unconditional love, support, no judgement, honesty, generosity, helpfulness, encouragement, fun, integrity and mutual appreciation.

For my husband - my patient, passionate, loving partner, my One. I searched all my life for you, and in the end, had to import you from overseas.  Thank you Internet!
Our magnificent collaboration will be born this year, and beyond all other accomplishments, I know this is the true purpose of my life - the family I build with you.

For my true friends, those I've known for years, those new to my life.  Thank you for your existence, for being human with me, for supporting me through black clouds, grief, despair, discouragement, and for helping to lift my gaze always up towards the promise of better days.  Thank you for never letting me fall. Thank you for letting me be small and weak even when it's so hard for me to admit that I don't always know what to do.  Thank you for listening, for sharing, for celebrating, for encouraging me, for sharing sidelooks as we walk along together, on parallel trajectories of personal evolution.

For my clients and students - thank you for choosing me.  Thank you for honoring me with your challenges, secrets, trials, triumphs and exposing your lives to me, so that I may be used for healing, for teaching, for learning, and for growing.  I am blessed for being chosen as an instrument, if only just for a few hours of cumulative contact, and I am quickened, inspired and enriched by the flow of energy between us. 

I am blessed by multiverses of love. I am blessed by divine forces that created me and all things to be vessels of giving and receiving love. 

Manifesting is So Hot Right Now

New Moon, Full Moon, The Power of Intention, The Secret of the Law of Attraction, the Intention-Manifestation Model - everyone's on the "manifestation" train.

Do I believe in it? Yes.
Does it work for me? Yes.
Do I really have evidence? Yes.
Is there only one way to do it? No, and Yes.

There's no one ritual to manifesting your reality - the basic tricks are clarifying, visualizing and intending what you want to happen; and of course, making sure you have the space, lack of subconscious resistance/vibekillers/dissonance, to allow you to receive. And patience, lots of patience. Repetition and uninterrupted focus on your desired intent.  The integrity and alignment of your intentions, thoughts, words and actions.  The basic recipe.

When people pray for things they want, they pray all the time, probably twice a day, to reinforce their intentions.  They ask God to remove and even reveal any of the obstacles to receiving/deserving that intention.  The conviction to change habits or attitudes to find congruence with deserving/receiving their desires is the same as the motivation anyone feels as a spur to self-improvement.

One of the principle tenets of NeuroLinguistic Programming is that YOU ARE 100% SUCCESSFUL, already, in manifesting what you have in your life right now.  No matter where you are, or what you have, you are already running a successful strategy - for having what you have. Same lesson in the Law of Attraction - what you've got, where you are - you attracted it to yourself - in what/how you think, and what you've been focusing on.

Strategy is made up of beliefs, it's made up of habits, actions, choices, values - and all of those things put together, repeated and enacted ad nauseum, is a thought/action loop that creates your current reality every single day.

Congratulations to everyone on their successful strategies.  For example, when someone has a complaint about not going to the gym regularly - congratulations! You are 100% successful in not going to the gym.  That person probably has a strategy for that - thinking about the gym, feeling tired, imagining how exhausting it would be to gather up their gym bag, put on their gym shoes and clothes, drive to the gym, blah blah blah. And if they think this, each time they think about going to the gym, they're probably not going to go. Success!  The strategy to avoid the gym worked.

Want a different result? Change your strategy.  Think about how you would achieve what you want to happen, rather than burning energy and motivation visualizing and thinking about what you don't want to happen. Quit shooting yourself in the foot.

Change your strategy. Change your mindset. Change your thought patterns and you will likely get a different result. Commit to a new strategy. Be Bold and confident that your new strategy and intention WILL manifest. The Universe will do all it can to embrace your intention, but of course, it must begin with your own mindset.

"What you can do, or dream you can do, begin it; boldness has genius, power and magic in it."
"Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid." - Goethe

To me, this is the essence to making the Intention-Manifestation Model/Law of Attraction work for you in most efficient way. 

If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right.
- attributed to Henry Ford, also Mary Kay Ashe

New Moon Ritual - Mindmapping Intentions

The New Moon in Capricorn is an excellent time to plan your intentions for the year.

I have my own rituals for planning out my goals, and one of my favorite ways to do that is to use mindmaps. This is a collapsed version - I keep my expanded version private.

Each and every one of those little satellites has a list of specific goals attached to it. I've discovered that these mindmaps help me clarify, visualize and feel energized by my plans.

I should also add, that each item on the expanded satellite lists triggers me to a next physical action - in GTD terminology, these are "trigger lists" - which can be put into my GTD system as projects, then evaluated for next actions - like @calls, @emails, etc.

Patternlock, of course, refers to my marriage.
Pod refers to my little baby in my tummy.
Art is stuff I do for art's sake, whether or not it will bring me financial gain.
Karma Bank includes skills/time/projects to contribute to others, and the mutual arising.

If you'd like to try mind-mapping - there are tons of free trials for mindmapping programs, or you can also download freeware like Freemind.

Life Design for the New Year

Bang the gong, ring the bell, blow the conch, and welcome the new year!
2007 brings the fresh promise of new perspectives and opportunities for abundance, health and life balance.

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”
~ Lao Tzu

Starting Fresh is A Choice
The past is past, the year is over, and the turn of time is just an indicator that we have a choice to be something new, to release what we used to be, do or believe and spin a new belief, a new plan and a new reality for ourselves. From 2006, we can inventory our accumulated strengths from challenges met and overcome, trials survived and courage/compassion amplified - and let that which holds no value for us - grudges, disappointments, resentments, etc. - let these things be left in the past.  I hope this New Year brings a reminder that you create your own life - in fact, where you are now in your life is where you have brought yourself - the sum of your actions and thoughts.  If you want to be at a next level with your personal, professional, financial, physical or spiritual life, you can choose to get on a new path to a new destination, today.

Eliminate Drag Coefficient
Why bring old baggage into a fresh new year?  I have my own exercise using Timeline Therapy - going through my year 2006 - from January to December and back again, taking inventory of the highs and the lows, and releasing any negative emotional charges from any recalled event by assuming a meta-perspective and noting what it is I was supposed to learn from that event. I repeat this until I can look back on my year and see nothing but learning, growth and wisdom.

Identity Crisis
For me, December is always a time of deep reflection and planning, and it almost always brings me to a strange feeling of identity crisis.  I meditate on what I have done throughout the year, I think about my goals, and who I've been, and I find myself wondering "what next?"  I've always looked forward to change, even the most drastic changes in my life, because such transitions afford me fresh challenges and unexplored territory.  I feel the same way when I travel - I like to be dropped into a new situation, a new city, and navigate my way through instinct - and make new maps for myself. There's been a lot achieved in this past year, but I'm not one to rest on my laurels.  There's always something new, something more, and a next level to conquer.  Sometimes, attaining these next levels requires letting go of old definitions of myself, and especially any limiting beliefs.

Refresh, Redesign and Redefine your Goals
Goals need to be refreshed on a regular basis - sometimes they need to be adapted to new situations, sometimes they need to be redefined or redesigned. Its easy for goals to be lost or obscured by the mundane tasks and daily grind.  It's important to take time to clearly visualize your goals, endowing them with amply specificity of detail, color and vibrance to inspire you to strive.  When you lose the clarity of your goal, you lose focus, and are prone to distraction and demotivation.

Manifest Your Vision
Who hasn't heard about the Law of Attraction?  In sum, what you think about is what you attract.  What you focus on, grows.  If you're walking down the street, telling yourself "don't fall, don't fall, don't fall" you'll probably fall.  Your thoughts create your reality, so it's important that what you focus on is not only positive, but optimal.  It's amazing how this has worked in my own life - for the good or for the bad, it never fails.  But I've proven to myself, as many of my clients have, that clear goal visualization and a commitment to holding the most optimal thoughts about our desires - ends up attracting amazing opportunities.  Last year I committed to some definite writing goals, which ended up manifesting a screenplay, which was produced into a film, which parlayed into assignments in writing mobile video series in Asia, which led to an amazing article about me in Scr(i)pt Magazine this year.  This year, I've already been commissioned to write new projects. It's amazing how dedication to an intention helped a dilettante turn pro.

Snap out of Negative States - Look Up and Be Grateful
Counting your blessings puts you in the perfect mindset to attract what you want.  Feeling the abundance of all you have achieved and all you have been given is empowering and reminds you of what's good in your life, and how life can be even sweeter, and better. There's something hard-wired in us, that when we look up, we can stop ourselves from crying and calm down.  That could be because we break out of whatever thought-loop was keeping us in a negative state by simply changing visual perspective - but it's also because when we look up - whether to the right or to the left, our eyes are helping us to access creative states of mind - creatively visualizing something new, or visually recalling a memory.  There is power in this ability to visualize - especially when coupled with inspiring thoughts - visualizing your "happy place" or something pleasant, something worth striving for.  I find that that the most powerful use of this visualizing ability to change emotional state is to look up at the sky and think of all I am grateful for - like a flash montage.  There are so many things to be grateful for - love, art, music, opportunities, friendships, family, and the simple and profound pleasures of being alive. This past year, I am most thankful that my husband has finally emigrated to the US from England (in September) and as of the beginning of November, I found out I am pregnant and will be expecting my first child in August of this year!

Make a commitment to productivity - get organized!
So often we are motivated by red-flag items - stuff we've been putting off, things we've forgotten about which end up biting us in the ass later on.  Make a small investment of time, energy and money in yourself, and get organized! This doesn't just mean all the papers on your desk, but get everything in your head OUT of your head and into a trusted system, where you collect, clarify, organize, review and DO something with every idea and task that comes your way.  It's so easy to get demotivated when it feels like you aren't organized.  When you devote time to knowing how/when to do what you have to do, you can gain a level of control that frees up stress and especially mindspace for higher levels of creativity.  If this is something that interests you, my next group workshop on Organization/Productivity is on January 14th! Feel free to contact me for details.

"In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts: they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty...Else, to-morrow a stranger will say with masterly good sense precisely what we have thought and felt all the time, and we shall be forced to take with shame our own opinion from another."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Moving on, moving forward.

Time to Stop and See

Excerpt from a recent message to some friends:

Mercury Retrograde lasts until Nov 17th, y'all.

If communications are wonky - "they" and by "they" I mean the "stars and planets interpreting people" say that this is not the best time to make decisions or to expect clear communication.

I'm not fighting it this time. I have barely been driving. In San Francisco now, and I've left the driving to my sister. Most of my emails and phone calls - are short and succinct.

To me, this is the time for vipassana - a time to Stop and See - to pour energy and focus onto reflecting upon the way things really are. And what we focus on, grows.

Here is my challenge - to focus on the Abundance - of my own understanding, learning, compassion, connection, love. Focus on the abundant and surprising way the Universe blesses me when I don't cloud myself or block the acceptance of blessing with thoughts of bitterness, jealousy, resentment or lack.

From this point of clarity and gratitude, I also feel my own prescience growing. In this way, in my meditations and incantations I can hold and visualize in my mind my most optimal trajectories - and I will hold these thoughtforms, meditating upon them daily.

Obstinately and confidently and completely believing the best thing, the thing that you need to happen, will happen. From the point of belief - acting in accordance with that belief is crucial.

To me, HOPE implies doubt and passivity. We live in a world where we CAN move freely, make choices, set achievable goals. I am eliminating "HOPE" from my daily vocabulary. I don't want it's weakness poisoning my thoughts. "HOPE" is my old victim language. "HOPE" says to glimpse briefly that which I wish for, but puts me in a mindset where I might not do everything within my control to create or pursue my desired outcome.  Hooray for making a conscious choice to pursue, create and attract the most favorable conditions for the life I want for myself.

Reject the mind-traps that bring focus to treachery, lack, fears of failure, etc. Seek symbiotic relationships with others that support your best evolution. Teach the young to kick ass. RAWWWWRRRR!

Sometimes, when I do these personal reflections, the energy builds up in the quiet and I have to let it out in a roar. Then I feel voracious and want to eat the world.

Of course, I think that's also my body telling me its time to eat breakfast.

Become who you Are

No creature is fully itself till it is, like the dandelion, opened in the bloom of pure relationship to the sun, the entire living cosmos.

~ D.H. Lawrence

Let it happen. Don't fight the blooming!

Future Shadow Informants

“The future enters into us, in order to transform itself in us, long before it happens.” - Rilke

Especially during times of challenge and hardship, it's easy to just want the day to be over, to move on, to get to the next day, hoping or knowing that the future will be better than the present, and certainly better than the past.

But the fullness of time comes with being present, in the moment, and I bless the challenges that bring me back to right now, that pull me into what is before me, around me. Moments where my spirit is not lingering in the past, nor is it rushing ahead towards the future. Through meditation, through breathing deeply, by just smiling and listening to birds - sometimes through pain - I am brought right into the moment I am experiencing. I notice. I am aware. I breathe through it all. I find balance, through rage and irritation and desperation.

In my own practice of mindfulness I sit still and become present to my thought, and to my breath, and my pulse, my blood, my energy. I sit and let the past experiences teach me, and my future shadows inform me. The paradox - all there is, is Now, and yet, Now is always in motion. I have faith that wherever I am now, there is a path that has already been blazed by a future self. Breadcrumbs have been left for me to follow, and I am guided by self-trust.

Ordering Chaos: Pt 4: Epiphany

As I was driving back from San Francisco, I realized why I was born.  I was driving back, alone, a drive I can make in about 5 hours or less, a drive I enjoy.  I sing, I think, I snap little pictures, I audioblog for my husband.  I scribble little notes.

As I was caterwauling along to a Martina McBride song, I started crying. . . "I was born, to give my love, I was born to give my love, I was born, to give my love, to you. . "

I thought: I know what I am made for. I know my purpose. I know my greatest achievements in this life are not accumulations of accolades, wealth, fame, validation, or stuff.

My greatest wealth comes from those connections I have made, connections of intimacy, support, compassion and strength.  I look at my friends, who own nicer cars, lots of property, and sometimes I compare myself to them - what do I have?  What can I show for all these years of existence?

My network of love is vast, with roots reaching far back in time, and spanning the globe.  I give of myself, without need for acknowledgement, but I acknowledge others.  I validate from within.  My confidence is born from the knowledge that I operate within a context of love, compassion, patience and pleasure that I create myself.  I am known and loved by many friends, not for what I do for a living, or proofs of my awesomeness, but just because I exist.  I am me, and that is abundant, and because of this I trust my steps, I trust in the natural sequence of events, I am curious and wondrous about the unravelling story that is my experience of this life. 
 

Don't Playa-Hate!

When we see others beginning to live their authentic selves, it drives us crazy if we have not lived out our own. Individuals who are realized in their own lives almost never criticize others.  If they speak at all, it is to offer encouragement.

- Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

People who are striving and struggling to realize their creative goals, those who are following their own bliss and passions, recognize when others are trying to do the same.  They offer help. They recognize the mutual arising of all things, and contribute to the arising with support, encouragement, guidance. 

It intrigues me that most people who are critical of others are usually frustrated about their own feelings of self-limitation.  Why limit yourself? And if you are, why limit others who have the courage to follow their dreams, even if you believe they don't have as much talent?

Wasted talent abounds.  Those who succeed, often do because they don't have as much talent, but are willing to work harder to manifest their vision; they compensate with determination, drive and tenacity.

Who benefits when you show yourself what you can do with your gifts?  Everyone.
Who loses when you hide yourself away, and let the bitterness fester, the jealousies ferment? You.
Who wins when you give up on your talent? . . . . .

Self Mastery: Enjoying the Plateau

Having recently experienced several life transitions, growth spurts, big changes and goal achievements, I find myself already chomping at the bit for the next level, the next big vision to be big and bright before me.

I found and married my life partner. I processed and put away years of grief for lost loved ones. I've created a whole new career, in response to a disability. I've overcome several unmentionable and significant personal challenges and trials. I've confronted and transformed several core limiting fears and beliefs. A film I helped to write is being produced and filmed; I have a new office for my hypnotherapy practice; I'm teaching more students for voice; I'm integrating everything I do, all my skills and experience; I'm happily married to a beautiful mate; I have a great group of friends; I have a loving and wonderfully supportive family; I have a restored faith in the divine; I have a handful of key collaborators for both personal and especially professional symbiotic relationships; I'm doing well with my GTD.

Wow, I think. A new comfort zone. How long will this last? Will the other shoe drop? Why does faith oscillate - one day so self-assured, another day, discouraged and doubtful?

Something within becomes restless and uneasy at the thought of things going so well for so long. Something within wants to push and keep pushing before momentum is lost.
Something within tells me I'm not doing enough, even when I'm hitting my goals, and I'm on the right path.

Enjoy. Dig deeper. There are levels within levels of perception and acuity. I must continue to sharpen the skills and the mastery with repetition, to further hone my unconscious competence. I must focus on what I have, at least for awhile. Enjoy the plateau, the downtime, the comfort zone, the new default space, the mastery of that which one year ago, was still a tiny seedling of growing awareness.

I must remember the beginner's mind. I must focus on what is in my hands, and notice that each gem is multi-faceted. I must stay clear in intention and consciousness, envision the goal and its rewards, and advance with confidence.

My anxiety dreams are back. I analysed them, and they tell me: No fear. No excuses. Life is not a dress rehearsal.

I embrace this plateau. I haven't felt this safe in years.

ReBirthday - 31 years today!

My new Habit - Day 4

Woke automatically at 7.30 a.m. this morning. Opened eyes and rolled out. Sat up. Contemplated the inviting pillow, still warm from sleep.  Inward groan.  I check for headache, just a dull throb.  Drank water, cold shower, got dressed.

Now I am awake, fully dressed, and daydreaming about a nap.

GAMBATTE!

On the Meaning of Carmen

I looked up the word "carmen" in an unabridged dictionary when I was a kid.
I got Carmina, Carmen (n) song, poem or incantation.

That definition has become a prophecy!

On the upper right -  you'll see "free downloads" of all 3 - songs, poems, incantations - bits of me, gifts to my loved ones and the universe at large.

Here's one of the latest: A cover of "This Guy's in Love with You" by Herb Alpert, recorded for my husband in one take, on Garageband, for my compilation album of love songs for my mate, entitled "Catwife."

Download Carmen De Jesus - this_girls_in_love_with_you.mp3

Day 2 - Gravity wants my Eyes

This morning the struggle took place in my mind first.  The desire to remain in dreamland was strong, the pull of gravity on my eyes is something that I'm fighting even now as I write!

I woke half an hour earlier than needed, and just wanted to continue sleeping.  But something inside me asked "What did we decide?" So I rolled to my side, sat up and stood up and had a nice big stretch.
Did a few more stretches for my arms and legs and back and neck.  Plopped down and my eyes just closed.  Tis a struggle to be sure.  Sleep is sweet.

But I keep waking myself back up to shake it off.  Could be so easy just to get back into blanket burrito right now.  But that's the power of a choice - the decision to change - once made, wants to support itself.  And I must support it, too.

Going for a very short, brisk walk.

Parkour: We don't need no Matrix

On the plane ride to the UK earlier this year, I saw a BBC documentary on Free Running, aka Parkour which is a sport/movement/philosophy wherein people go through intense physical training to basically run up and down mountains and castles and across rooftops of buildings, etc.

Talk about inspiration for the fight against gravity!  To not see tall buildings or walls as obstacles.  To look for the jumping point on each landing surface.  To train the mind to see a wall as a springboard.

 

Choose a New Habit Day - Day 1

The beginning of a habit is like an invisible thread, but every time we repeat the habit we strengthen the strand, add to it another filament, until it becomes a great cable and binds us irrevocably, thought and act.  - Orison Swett Marden

Screw New Year's Resolutions. And even Lunar New Year's Resolutions.  Too much pressure to make a change.  So I am choosing a random day - February 7, 2006, to install a new habit for myself! It doesn't have to be something I have to think of as a sacrifice ( although those who enjoy self-denial might enjoy that ) but rather, just some new string I am adding to my overall instrument. 

Today I will take a first step in manifesting something new in myself.  A new habit to affect my life in unforeseen beneficial ways.  It's sounds like an ambitious goal, but if I do it each and every day, it will become part of me, my ritual and routine. 

Today I take a vow to fight gravity in the mornings. In the mornings only.  At all other times, gravity may have it's way with me. 

As I did this morning, when I feel myself awake, I will immediately roll to my side and sit up and put my two feet on the floor and stand up.  That's it.  With this movement, which I expect to become automatic within 21 days, I will commit to BEING AWAKE, even though most oftentimes my own excuse machine can give me split second rationalizations for going back to dreamland just a little while longer.

That's it.  My new habit is a movement.  Open eyes, roll, sit up and stand.  Whatever else comes after that, we will see.  Not quite as ambitious as Steve Pavlina's Polyphasic Sleep Schedule - just a simple change in physical action.  That doesn't seem so hard, although part of me (the loves-to-sleep part) is trying to tell me it's going to hurt.

I expect great things.  And will update this each day, for 21 days.

Live your way into the answer

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." —  R.M. Rilke

Professional Musing

I have been a professional muse now for several years. 
I would say I was probably an amateur until my mid-20s,
and that at some point of satori, I turned pro.

It used to be part of an old personal myth, you see, that I was destined to inspire and then those inspired by me, would leave me, consumed by their newfound passion and motivation. 
It felt fatalistic, and isolating and oh. . so. . tragic.   Ah, the Lonely Professional Muse - the Catalyst always left behind when the chemical reaction is all used up.

I turned pro, I believe, when I realized that:

a) We all inspire each other. Of course.  This whole isolating thing was made up in my head, even if I did inspire people, I was the one who created the self-important, narcissistic, tragic mythos to envelope it.

b) We meet when we are supposed to meet. There is a reason all people meet and intersect. We all have a way to inspire each other - if we are open to receiving and seeing it.  ( No, I did NOT read the Celestine Prophecy)

c) I AM the INSPIRATION for ME. I thought, who inspires the Muse? Watching the "inspired" be overtaken by their new vision and passion was tragic to me because *I* wasn't doing what I loved.  I wasn't being inspired and I was waiting for someone to inspire me! Then I was disappointed and frustrated that no one *could* inspire me well enough. But that was just me, putting the blame on the world - externalizing the excuses for my own torpor - or unreadiness to take charge of my creative vision and life's goals.

I cannot help but feel inspired today.  I am sitting at the desk of author Gloria Mattoni, the housemate of my girlfriend Heathervescent, looking out onto a lovely view here in Mount Washington,  overlooking a valley through to cute set of hills and houses.  It does not look like Los Angeles.  We could be somewhere in Europe. Sitting at this desk, one cannot help but write.

Gloria is the author of a book called "Reckless: The Outrageous Lives of Nine Kick-Ass Women" and she herself is an amazing woman of grace and strength. She was called to Italy recently when her sister Marina fell into a coma. If you are reading this, please read her blog, as her strength and love and grace will humble and inspire you, and please join me in sending healing energy, prayers for patience, wisdom, balance and comfort  to Marina, Gloria and all their loved ones.

I know what it is like to watch your loved one in a coma . . and wait . . . first hoping they will come back, intact, like a soap opera.  Then accepting that if they do even come back, they ( and you ) will be different, and then, at least in my case, my boyfriend in 2003, Barry Jacobs, decided not to come back at all, and took himself to the skies at last, and beyond this physical world.  There is fear, terror, anger, despair, compassion,  desire for the past, and the sweet, searing realization that it is not our choice to hold or call him back to this world; it is his choice, only his spirit knows when its work is done.  The weepeth endureth for the night, but joy comes in the morning. In the mourning.  That was in 2003.  The same year my Papa and grandfather passed away.  It was a hard year.  But I can look back with peace. And every cell of that pain, is now transmuted to joy.

Today I will go with Heather to Beverly Hot Springs, the place where I meditated, prayed, incanted and wished, on December 31, 2004, for my 0ne True Love to find me, to see me spinning and shining and waiting steadfastly, from wherever he was.  And the next morning he appeared, from across the world.  And now we are married and on our way to chez nous, le notre, our shared domain.

It is a day to be inspired by love, new friends, unexpected beauty, the transmutation of joy, and the connection with the infinite Source of life and energy.  It is another day to help inspire another, to self-acceptance, empowerment, and self-actualization. 

It's another day for me to be a professional Muse.  Although I like these Muses, too.

There is No Secret to Balance

There's no secret to balance. You just have to feel the waves. - Darwi Odrade, in Frank Herbert's Dune

I have always been a syncretist.  I am an autodidactic sentience feeder, and through continuing exploration of philosophy, esoterica, empirical data, aphophenia, research and study I stir the Soup that feeds my own soul, and creates my perception of reality.

In the Philosophy Soup:

Ayn Rand's Altruism
Anais Nin's Multiplicity
Joseph Campbell's Journey of the Hero,
Hermann Hesse's hermetic circle where magic is born,
Nietzsche's will to power,
Jung's Animus,
and Zen Mindfulness
Frank Herbert's Bene Gesserit codex
Eckart Tolle's Power of Now
William Gibson's Pattern Recognition
Louise Hay / Candace Pert's thoughts on mind-body medicine
Ralph Waldo Emerson --- SIMPLIFY
Robert Anton Wilson's - Maybe Logic and all things Illuminatus
David Allen's, Getting Things Done

How to cook it all down to a daily practice? It's already so tasty!

Happy H-Bombastic birthday to my gorgeous Heathervescent, who not only helped me set up this blog, but also gave me a lovely gift of a Medical Ch'i Kung seminar, run by Dr. Hirano.

I am looking forward to using Yin-Yang balancing techniques in my hypnotherapy practice as well as my vocal studio.

There is no dark without the light, no joy without the sorrow,
no sun without shadow
Some days will ride high and spin fast,
others will be to restore and enjoy the stillness
In all things, find the balance
This is the Way of the Tao, to yield to the balance
This is the Instruction to find the blessing and learning in every experience
This is the Invocation to remember what Flow feels like
This is how I  access my Optimal Mindset!

Flow with whatever is happening and let your mind be free. Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate. - Chuang Tzu

 

Litany Against Fear 2006

Even beyond my Late Night Fear Catharsis post, I couldn't sleep.
Words were itching to get out of me.
With eyes half closed, I let myself incant until I was exhausted of words.

My latest poem is available for download:

Litany Against Fear 2006
Copyright 2006 Carmen Leilani De Jesus
A gift, an offering.
Download litany_against_fear.pdf

Late Night Fear Catharsis

It's late and tonight my thoughts are restless.

Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think
Enjoy yourself, while you're still in the pink
The years go by, as quickly as you wink
Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it's later than you think

Download the mp3 here.

Why wait until you have $X,000,000? Why wait until you have the right partner? Why wait until external conditions are "just right"?  Why wait until there's almost no time left? WHY WAIT TO START LIVING YOUR DREAM AND DESIGNING YOUR LIFE?

Remember what Langston Hughes said about Dreams Deferred:

    What happens to a dream deferred?
    Does it dry up
    Like a raisin in the sun?
    Or fester like a sore--
    And then run?
    Does it stink like rotten meat?
    Or crust and sugar over--
    like a syrupy sweet?
    Maybe it just sags
    like a heavy load.
    Or does it explode?

So why are we afraid of our dreams? Why are we afraid to dream big?  Why would anyone rather stay in the stale static muck of the familiar and ignore their instincts for greatness, and their desires to do more, have more, or be more?

What's so comfortable about the comfort zone?  Why do we allow obsolete habits and useless self-talk and limiting beliefs to cloud our visions, defer our dreams, and defeat our desires?

My dreams have been so much bigger lately - spurring me with visions of more intense work - not only in helping others in my hypnotherapy practice, or setting voices free with my vocal studio - there's more  in my dreams - a bigger, beautiful base of operations with the walls covered in art, full of light, plants and flowers and serenity - a lush, fertile creative environment with inspiration at every turn. Dreams of being on stage once more, performing, absorbing and playing with the energy of a live audience, holding and sustaining a strong, pure, powerful note.  Of signing my name into the inside jacket of my books of poetry. 

I wake from these dreams - somedays with regret, somedays with wonder.  With a sense of "that's just a dream."  But my dreams are telling me something - they are providing me with visions of my desires manifest onto gorgeous landscapes.

How could these dreams, yet unfulfilled, fill my heart with such longing and fullness?  How can I feel regret for realities yet unseen?  Why do I dismiss these very achievable goals?

The regret is only Fear,  Oh Fear, such a general paralysis!
What litany of excuses fall beneath your penumbra!
Fear of Life, Fear of Death, Fear of Success, Fear of Failure,
Fear of Change, Fear of Judgment, Fear of Flying.

Fear is the mindkiller. Fear is the murderer of dreams.

I have so many projects I am undertaking right now, so many things I have to say, and write, and share, with passion, heart, love, and full intent.

I catch myself sometimes, in the midst of my brainstorms, and am attacked by the sudden worry - who will care about this? Hasn't this already been done?

My internal dialogue triumphs, mantras at the ready:

>> Worry is a misuse of the imagination. ( attributed to many authors, most often Dan Zadra)

>>  Excerpts from "Move On" from Stephen Sondheim's "Sunday in the Park with George"

I chose, and my world was shaken--so what?
The choice may have been mistaken
but choosing was not.
You have to move on.
. . . . .
Stop worrying if your vision is new.
Let others make that decision . . .
they usually do!
You keep moving on.
. . . . .
Anything you do, let it come from you--
then it will be new.
Give us more to see.

Transgenic Mod

My husband, Matt, asked me what transgenic mod I might like to have, if I could. After some consideration, I decided I'd like to have a tail like a cat with which I might express my emotions. I only recently learned that when a cat swishes it's tail fast, that is an expression of cat-annoyance or cat-anger. Our family cat, Kawawa, does this quite often when I pick her up and squeeze her and play our "Kitty Bagpipes" game wherein I squeeze gently and she lets out a series of low miaouls in protest. She swishes her tail quite fast during this game. I thought the fast swish was like a happy dog-tail wagging. I was wrong.

4 Steps to Breaking and Remaking your Personal Myth

On New Year's Eve 2004, I broke my personal mythology - which was a belief I had about myself that limited me from accepting any other path or opportunity that presented itself. My personal mythology was about being single, being lonely, being a "professional muse," a "lonely domme," a woman too twisted, fractured, jaded and "Other" to ever find my 0ne True Love. In fact, I'd developed an entire self-deprecating lingo to wrap my cold heart in - about being a "mid-life crisis solution" for the older men I dated, or a "finishing school for boys" for men my age or younger. With my language, I was already reinforcing the feeling of being set apart. With my language, I was already robbing myself of hope. [ as aforementioned, as a result of this myth-breaking, the man who has now become my husband arrived in my Inbox the morning after my ritual ]

When I realized that I was not only creating but sustaining and reinforcing these linguistic walls, I realized if I could create the personal mythology of me, I could also break and remake these core beliefs about myself. There are many ways to change your personal mythology - the beliefs about yourself that make up who you feel you are, and how you present your image to the world. Your personal mythology is your set of beliefs - these create the image you project to yourself within, as well as the image you project outward to the world. This image is your personal brand.

Here are 4 steps to break your own myth, and building a new one:

1. In the context of your [ relationships / abilities / career goals / etc ] - how do you see yourself? What do you believe you can do? Start a list with two columns: Title Column 1 "I believe I can. . " and Column 2 "I don't believe I can. . " Fill out both columns.

2. Examine your columns and decide which beliefs you wish to change about your personal myth - what would you like to let go of? Acknowledge that you are ready to grow beyond the old definitions of yourself. You have the power and the gift to choose who you want to be. You can choose to transcend your parents' or cultural beliefs and rules, you can choose to self-create. Your personality is not static - we are built to evolve, transmute, transform and self-actualize. Notice what you say about what you think you can't do. These are your limiting beliefs - which create the invisible barriers which define your personal mythology.

3. Visualize who/how you would rather be. If you were the best version of yourself, what qualities, habits and personal rituals would you have? Be grandiose. Take a few deep breaths and imagine breathing in those qualities and beliefs until your breath animates the vision of yourself. Design your new personal myth, decide that you are the boss of your own self and can authorize this image upgrade, and ratify your change by visualizing the strategy and execution of actions!

4. Reinforce and ratify the change with belief and action. Imagine that the old myth is a like an ill-fitting, out-of-style outfit that you would never wear again, like an acid-washed denim jacket and jeans, or MC Hammer-esque parachute pants. Visualize your new myth as a new and improved, updated, au courant wardrobe that makes you feel fresh, new, and powerful when you put it on. Wear it every day. Live it every day. Notice the difference between what the Acid-Washed Ex-myth You and the Fresh New Style Myth You would do. Expect a little resistance to the unfamiliar - but push through and choose the NEW YOU by taking a deep breath and making the NEW YOU more familiar by acting in accordance with your new and improved personal mythology.

Feel free to let me know if you need help!