About 8 weeks to go until Pod's arrival. The pregnancy has been going fairly well, except that I may have developed gestational diabetes. More blood tests this coming week. Most people who've been around me say that I'm pretty "normal" and surprisingly even-keeled, even immune to a lot of work-related stresses.
But I've been feeling a little low these past 2 wks or so. Feeling the waves of hormones and crying jags. Spacing out and filling the "space-outs" with anxieties. I feel so slow, heavy and torpid. Stuck. Trapped. Immobilized by my own weight. Sometimes I'll do "kick-counts" of Pod's movements. Sometimes he can move/kick/turn about 100 times in 10 minutes. It exhausts me.
So I've been crankier, and sleeping extra, and not going out anywhere at all, which in turn makes me feel cagey and cabin fevered and lame. I've also been having yucky thoughts.
Normally I don't allow myself to focus on dissatisfactions or self-destructive thoughts, especially because I do believe that "what you focus on, grows," and if I allow myself to focus on feeling trapped and dissatisfied I can work myself into a fine state in my own mind, and end up mad and crying and feeling frustrated and desperate.
When this happens I do try my best to self-regulate. I start a litany of "Thank you's" - counting my blessings and focusing on being content, alive, blessed and safe, forcing my gaze to the sky and breathing deeply to dissolve the incipient dark knots of clouds brewing in the scowl across my forehead. I try, I try, I am blessed, I am cared for, everything happens as it should, I am blessed, thank you for my life, thank you for my healthy baby, thank you for my family, thank you for my job, thank you for my husband, I am grateful and thankful and blessed for my friends, for all my support and the people I can count on for love and care. . . I try, I try.
I've even succumbed lately to naming my feelings, which I try to avoid doing because in naming feelings I buy into their materialized existence. I've been talking about feeling "fragile" and "tender" and "anxious" - and those words trigger certain physiological and psychological reactions within me. Although I know full well that I create my own state, I've not been able to help these feelings lately, which only makes me criticize my own self for knowing better and yet letting my own self-control slip.
At least payday is coming round again, I will be able to treat myself to a sorely needed prenatal massage, a manicure/pedicure, maybe a facial. I've been working too hard on all fronts, just for survival, just to keep my mind active even as I feel my body has been hijacked. And there are a few lovely Pod-centric baby celebrations upcoming. That will cheer me even as this home stretch taxes me with it's hormonal roller coaster, physical and emotional demands.
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