Each Day R/Evolution

Striving for Gracious Change - Parting Ways

For anyone who has ever had to part ways with a loved one, an open letter shared, but meant for one.

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We are both experts in recapitulation and crafting the optimal story to express our understanding of a situation.  That is how we move forward in life.  Rationalizations and Understanding Why - we pursue these things to give closure, to justify and accept change. 

At the very Meta, for the infinite myriad of trajectories that has now opened up for us both, this parting is a Gift.

We got to know what it was like to experience a relationship with an equally awakened and powerful partner.  We saw elements of ourselves in each other that reflected aspects we liked to or needed to see. We have derived valuable learning and experienced growth during the tenure of our relationship.  In any relationship, romantic, business or friendship - there are depths of trust, intimacy and love that can be achieved.  And I think we did pretty well.  This is why I do not hold any part of my relationship with you as a disappointment or betrayal.  Those are heavy things to hold. A drag coefficient.  I know we have been blessings to one another.  But its time to invest my energies elsewhere.

We just couldn't keep moving forward, because our mutual paths are at a necessary point of divergence.  Our next level must be something we haven't been able to see or grasp because we have become too clouded with the vision we have been trying to force. This is the sign to let go, say thank you, bless you, and then turn your head to other visions, with full knowledge of my unspoken acknowledgement of my confidence, love and support of you, even as I move in a different direction. In my opinion, which of course you may or may not share, anything less than accepting this basic and encompassing truth, is an interpretation lacking in enlightenment or true compassion.  Unconditional love is based upon this understanding.

Mutually arising, and always with more love, because love is abundant and compassion is infinite.

Carmen

Managing LDR LTRs with NLP: Relationship Strategies

I've recently returned from Sheffield, UK, and I'm almost over the jetlag and all my trailing molecules have just about caught up with me from the transatlantic journey.

Airport goodbyes are never easy. The ache of separating your body from your partner is palpable and there is a keening within that logic cannot console. Despite my arsenal of emotion-management tools and skills, I still couldn't help bawling and blubbering when saying goodbye to my husband, who I won't see for a little while again.

However, it could have been more tragic. Using the following NLP exercises, we were able to keep our focus on our shared goals, and only had intermittent weeping spells before we had to release our handhold. These NLP exercises are useful for any relationship strategy.

Reframe I: We shift the context frame by thinking of our behaviors in light of a different situation. E.g. It's appropriate to be sad, but the context of our sadness is actually sandwiched in 'we just spent some time together, we have times together ahead soon, we're not spending another 6 months apart again.' Our sadness is alleviated by thinking of the context surrounding the situation in a different way.

Reframe II: We can focus on the fact that we have to part ways for now, or we can think about what would happen if we could be together, tomorrow? Immediately, something within realizes that we can't be together tomorrow - because there's so much yet for us to sort out and accomplish individually, in the next few months.

Visualizations and Next Actions list: To manage the nervousness and anxiety, as well as to console the thought of the Other being mopey and lonely - we emptied our heads of all our next actions, to create images in one another's minds of busy-ness and goals, and he wrote my next actions in his handwriting, and I handwrote his, too. Reading one another's handwriting is comforting.

Shifting Submodalities: We each created a visual trigger of a motivating, persuasive future vision of us together, and made it big, bright, movie-like, landscape-oriented and right in front of our eyes. This vision guides us and overrides our pouts and weepings.

Stack positive anchors:We each started to think about and visualize several of the happiest, most passionate, hilarious and joyous moments together during my stay. During that time of ecstatic reminiscence, we rubbed the first knuckle on our left hands. We did this several times, until all we had to do was rub the knuckle and it triggered the images and the smiles without effort.

Reprogram internal language: When I think to myself about 'tearing my body' away from my husband, or that leaving him feels like I am "peeling off my skin," or that the "ache is unbearable," it heightens the sensitivity to overwhelming physical pain, as the words trigger neuropathways of panic within me. If I think of our relationship as a flow or a dance, or a graceful, winding double helix wrapping around itself, I feel calmer and more at ease.

LDRs (Long Distance Relationships) and LTRs (Long Term Relationships) require a shared strategy for managing communications and emotions, to keep the love connection strong, stable and secure, a triumph over time and space. It's wonderful to have a partner who is willing to take responsibility for managing his internal state, and NLP has been a great tool for us both in staying focused on our shared vision of the future, and for creating the intimate context and perception of reality we both choose to share for this lifetime.