Each Day R/Evolution

My 33rd bday - the JESUS year, I mean the DE JESUS year!

Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.

Time is a created thing. To say ‘I don’t have time,’ is like saying, ‘I don’t want to.’ - Lao Tzu

Aut viam inveniam aut faciam - [ I will either find a way or make one ]

The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.  - Ayn Rand

Productivity & Spacing Out: A 10 Step Primer

From reading his books, and attending his Roadmap seminar, David Allen's whole point of putting things in the GTD system is to give oneself as much time as possible to relax, goof off, and space out. That's what "stress-free productivity" means.

There's a high associated to kicking ass under high-stress situations, a rush to the ego and self-satisfaction of multi-tasking efficiently. One feels superhuman, pushing limits of time and energy to the limit and expanding one's limits.  I used to be prideful about this kind of plate-spinning-split-attention-multitasking proficiency.  But what am I busy with?  That's a Tim Ferriss-kind of question, to evaluate the "busy work," and if what I'm doing is worthwhile (also David Seah-style). 

Sometimes, coming off a binge of hyperproductivity and an extremely fast-paced, high-octane stretch of work focus, it can be difficult to wind down.  The mind's machine whirs and clicks and becomes greedily accustomed to crunching tasks and data. When the work is done, it becomes hard to relax, and in the absence of "problems to crunch" the mind troubleshoots even the most silent, content moments, for some new problem to solve, even inventing or exacerbating problems just for FOOD.

My point, and the point of all the thinkers below, is that the goal of efficiency and productivity is to create more space/time for higher level creative thinking, pleasure/leisure-centric activities and RELAXATION!

Let me summarize what I've grokked from these guys below:

David Allen: capture data in trusted system and set times/contexts to execute and review - goal of stress-free productivity; clear psychic RAM and be focus-efficient with the details, free up mindspace for abstract, genius, creative thinking. Goal: Chill time.

Tim Ferriss: Energy and time-efficient clients. Paring down to sparest and most effective actions, outsourcing, automating or eliminate all else.  Work smart and efficiently to be more productive in less time. Goal: Chill time.

Malcolm Gladwell: Blink. I decided. Trust intuition about decisions and eliminate inefficient struggle or self-doubt. Goal: Chill time.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi: 
"It is also important to develop the habit of doing whatever needs to be done with concentrated attention. Even the most routine tasks, like washing dishes, dressing, or mowing the lawn, become more rewarding if we approach them with the care it would take to make a work of art. "
Likens the Flow state to the basic concept of Zen mindfulness. To summarize: GO WASH YOUR BOWL!
Goal: Chill out time.

Jim Loehr: As a corporate athlete, the most energy-efficient way to work is in sprints of hyper/productivity. Focus sprints allow for long periods of downtime to rest, recover, relax. Goal: Chill time.

David Seah: Be aware of how you spend your "billable hour" and if what you're doing is the best use of your time.  Do what's the best use of your time and skillset, don't waste time doing what's beneath your skill level if you can help it. Goal: More chill-time.

Lesson: It's all about chill time.  Being productive, getting tasks done should make you feel relaxed as your reward.  As you are rushing about, crossing off your action items, remember to not only enjoy the moment of closing the open loop, but also consider that the elegant, efficient execution of tasks CREATES space for pleasure-centric activities!

So when your work for the day is done, don't seek out more work.  Enforce a quota for "work time" with yourself, and protect and defend your pleasure-centric hours of the day, however you choose to spend them.  Is there a switch to turn off hyper-productivity and multitasking anxiety? Yes. It's the same switch that turns on your thoughts of pleasure and leisure.

Here is Carmen's "Optimal Mindset" "License to Space Out" recipe, this is what I use to unplug and fall back into full possession of myself:

1. Stop all action.
2. Be alone in a room.
3. Lock the door.
4. Close the laptop.
5. Turn off the phone.
6. Hide the clock.
7. Drink some water.
8. Lie on the floor and be still. Stare at the ceiling or close your eyes.
9. Take 10 deep cleansing breaths.
10. Don't move until something really COMPELS you to move. Observe what motivates you to get up, besides eating and going to the bathroom.

Be still for as long as you can until something COMPELS you to movement.  What's compelling? It's what YOU want to do. It's what you WANT to do.  Not because it's expected, or you're obligated, or you want to prove something. 

This is how I sort my priorities.  By reminding myself how I choose my Next Action, based on what is important to me, and how I want to do things that concern what is important to me.

I Twitter'd my Entire Childbirth/Labor Experience

Some people think it's insane that I was updating my Twitter stream throughout my childbirth/labor experience - as in during my contractions, from the hospital bed, through my water breaking, my epidural, and immediately after pushing out the Pod.

It's not that I needed everyone to know every single detail. People WANTED to know - loved ones from all over the world were calling my phone, my husband's phone, my sisters' phones - all wanting to know if Pod had emerged yet. My loved ones, friends and family alike, were ENGAGED and INVESTED in this event.

I share my life online, and have been doing so, in various incarnations and under various monikers, since 1999. So I shared this experience also - as part of my digital evolution. It is also a permanent record, for myself, to remember the hyper-conscious moments - and relive them.

Photos of my beautiful son are here on Flickr.

Here is my/Phoenix's Birth Story, which I summarized to send to my  in-laws, who are in the UK:

Phoenix Orison De Jesus Kenefick
Born Sunday, July 15th, 2007 at 8.43pm, 8 lbs 11 oz, 21 inches long, head 13 cm, after 15.5 hours of labor

I was scheduled to be called in for the labor induction on Saturday, July 14th, and the hospital told us to be ready to come in as early as 5am that morning, so that is what Matt and I prepared for.  We waited for the call from the hospital - for an available bed/room for labor and delivery.  It was so hot that day - completely sweltering - and I was so impatient to get "the show on the road" - torn between impatience and growing anxiety.  We waited the ENTIRE day for the hospital to call - and I even called them several times to inquire - but the women in labor that day weren't giving birth very quickly - so it was just a waiting game - no one to blame, really - whatever babies were en route that day were taking their time.

Up until 11.00pm on Saturday night we waited.  I called the hospital one last time to inquire - and ask if I should just go to bed and wait for their call in the morning. I was told that I could be called in at any time - even in the wee hours - 2am/3am - whenever.  So I said, fine, I'm going to bed.

At 11.30pm, just as I had brushed my teeth, had resigned myself to waiting until the next day, and was getting settled in for sleep, I received a call - FROM THE HOSPITAL!  The nurse who called me was the same one I'd been talking to all day - and she apologized for the wait - but told me that they were ready for me - and that I had 30 mins to prepare and get to the hospital to get started!!!!

The entire household, though tired from waiting around all day, sprung into immediate action. My bags were packed and ready.  Matt and I collected some final things, and we took off for the 5 minute drive to the hospital, with my mother and 3 of my sisters (1 sister had waited all day, but then had to go home) in tow.  We all descended into the lobby, where I breezed through Admitting because I had pre-registered a few days earlier.  The nurse let us all in, and we were shown into our room.  It was a private room - where not only the induction would begin, but the actual delivery would take place.  We all settled in, and I changed into a hospital gown.  My sister Zandi braided my hair, and I did a light make-up job to maintain a bit of glamour and presentability throughout the process.

The nurse took my vitals, had me sign some forms, and started me on my IV.  My ob/gyn came in, checked me and told me my cervix was still completely closed, and that they would start me on an IV of Cytotek, which would help stimulate my cervical dilation.

My cervix needed to be 10 cm dilated for me to deliver.  I was at 0cm dilated.  So we had a long way to go.  After they started the IV, I was no longer allowed to eat or drink anything except ice chips until after the actual delivery.  Since we had such a long wait in store, they gave me some Benadryl in my IV to put me to sleep, so I could conserve my energy.  I slept from about 1am - 5am.  The nurse and doctor both told me that it could take up to 24 hours for me to achieve full dilation. They kept trying to warn me that the induction "might not work" and not to be disappointed or discouraged if it took a long time. "Some women, with their first pregnancies, have been here for up to 72 hours," said Dr. Ngo.

HA!  Obviously, they didn't know who they were dealing with.  I have very intimate communication and cooperation not only with Pod in my tummy, but with every cell in my body, and I know how to get all my cells and organs to work together in coordinated concert.

I slept, with Matt at my side.  My mother went to go visit her station of the hospital - Postpartum - and they were short a nurse and asked her to work.  Despite the fact she'd worked a full 12 hour shift the night before, and hadn't slept because she was also waiting up with us for the hospital to call, she decided to work a few hours to help out her station, plus she'd also be closeby to me. She was running on adrenaline - she said she couldn't have slept anyway.  My other sisters went home to sleep.

At 5am, the doctor and nurse came in, and checked me again.  HAHA!  I'd gone from 0cm to 3cm dilated in only 4 hours.  They were stunned! Heh.  The doctor decided then to start me on the pitocin - which is what they use to begin inducing my uterine contractions.

For the next 5 hours, I dilate a little bit more, and the contractions begin - uncomfortable, and I put my headphones on and start humming and singing to breathe through the discomfort.  As I was taught in my Hypnobirthing courses at my hypnotherapy school, I only allowed myself to think of the discomfort as "pressure and sensation" - and never even referred to my discomfort as pain - not to the medical team, anyone or even my internal dialogue.

At around 10am, and 4cm dilated, the discomfort becomes nearly unbearable, and I feel my energy draining from me as I try to breathe through it.  I decide then it is time to ask for my epidural.  The anesthesiologist, a wonderful and skilled doctor, comes in and administers the epidural into my back.  I feel the numbness begin from my lower back, all the way down to my toes, almost immediately.  My body relaxes - and about 30 minutes later I feel a POP!  My water breaks!

The doctor tells me that now that my water has broken that I should dilate a lot more quickly . . . at 3pm, I'm at 6cm dilated, only 4 more to go.  The contractions are more intense, and I can feel Baby Pod bearing down on me.  I listen to my music, hum, breathe. Matt is at my side, holding my hand and pressing down at a specific acupressure point to relieve pain.

At 5pm I am 8 cm dilated.  I rest as much as possible to conserve energy for the pushing to come. At 7pm I am 10 cm, fully dilated.  The nurse tells me that Pod's head is still rather high up, and that althought I am fully dilated, I should wait until Pod's head drops down till he's almost right on top of my cervix, so I can minimize the time and effort needed to push him out.  It's a nearly unbearable pressure I feel, but I tell her that I can do it - that I can wait.

Inside myself, I tell Pod we have to work together.  I tell him he has to swim and squirm.  I send him guiding tones with the hums in my exhalations.  There is a monitor for his heart rate, so that with each contraction the medical team and the family can see where he is pushing and trying to make his way down.  When he is actively moving, the monitor shows his heart rate is between 155 - 170.  When he is resting, his heart rate goes down to about 130s.  So I coordinate with Pod, and tell him "Let's go" and his heart rate goes up.  When I can't bear the pressure anymore, I say out loud "Take a break, Pod" and his heart rate drops back to a resting rate of 130s.  People watch as he responds to my requests.

Just after 8pm, they check me again. The nurse is astonished that his head has dropped down to exactly where it needs to be so quickly.  She calls the doctor, and they prepare me to begin pushing.  The doctor arrives, my feet go up into the stirrups, and my labor team of my sister Nikki, Matt, and my mom take their places.  I can here a little voice inside my head saying "I'm coming, Mommy" and my body starts to shake and cry. The nurse calls this "the transition."

I push with all my might, turning up the music on my headphones so I can concentrate - because everyone around me is just yelling excitedly - Pushpushpushpush!!! - I am only listening to the doctor telling me how long to hold the push, and focusing all my thoughts on telling Pod it squirm and swim - visualizing a dolphin spinning in the water as it gives birth to its spinning baby dolphin - humming and breathing to envelope him with sonic lubrication and signal for him to lock on to and to guide him - telling him that if it takes every last bit of my life force, I was going to push him into the light. That was my focus - to give Pod my life force - even all of it.

About 5 or so cycles of pushing - and an episiotomy ( I had to be cut because Pod's head was too big ) - just a little over 30 minutes of pushing, I felt a huge rush and push as a live little person dove out of me!

He had a slight temperature at birth, so after cleaning and weighing him, and after Matt cut the umbilical cord, they let me meet him before whisking him away to be monitored, etc.  Matt went with him, while I stayed behind to be repaired and attended to by the doctor and nurses post-delivery.  After I was all stitched up and cleaned up, they wheeled me to the postpartum ward, where I rested.  Three hours elapsed between delivery and the time when Phoenix and Matt were brought to me.

Matt stayed with us in the private room, so all three of us were together.  I barely slept.  The next day, my mother was scheduled to work at the hospital so she was officially assigned to the care of me and Phoenix, which was very nice.  We all went home on Tuesday afternoon, where my sisters had prepared and decorated our room to welcome us.

--------------

Matt and I did not attend any childbirth classes or trainings.  All of these rituals, visualizations, meditations and practices I came up with on my own, a syncretization of prayer, meditation, trance work, self hypnosis, NLP, Hypno-birthing, tranceformational breathing, acupressure, mindfulness, and pain transcendence techniques. I made a decision to create the childbirth experience I wanted for myself and for my little Phoenix, and together we made it happen.

Spacing Out and Going Under Deep Cover - The Final Countdown Friday the 13th

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to the hospital tomorrow. I will not have any wireless/internet access as of tomorrow morning - and hopefully/probably will not be checking my email again until sometime on Monday or next week, AFTER I give birth.

The Pod has been very restless is my tummy these past few days, moving and stretching within me nonstop.  I've been packing my maternity bag, cleaning up my room a little, washing all the little Pod-clothes, hats, booties and blankets, and trying to stay cool, stay preoccupied, take lots of naps, and remain fairly "normal."

But today is the last day of Podlessness, if he cooperates with the medical procedures tomorrow, which are designed to coax him from his safe uterus apartment, where he has been growing and doing his womb-kata, giving me all sorts of psychic advice thanks to his uplink to the infinite (which incidentally I believe will be curtailed to a certain degree to give his spirit the opportunity to rediscover the wonders of life after he is born "into the light"), where he has been thriving on my nutrients and preparing himself.

Today I send my final emails, return some phone calls, and begin my self-created ritual of preparation.  While I am not a Scientologist, I do appreciate the intention behind their theories of silent birth - and will be enforcing a radio silence within myself starting tomorrow morning, communicating very little except with those directly present around me - so I can focus all my energies and thoughts on guiding, directing, reassuring and invoking my little Pod into this world with calm confidence and supreme grace.

The #1 question I've been asked - "Are you ready?"  I can't even begin to answer that with full honesty.  I could answer with halting bewilderment - or with a Zen-koan type riddle about "What is Readiness?" or "Ready or Not, Pod is coming." I could give a less-than-confident answer about how I could be more ready - if I had taken childbirth classes like Lamaze or something, and if I had been one of those "I'm thoroughly researching every possible procedure so I can be a fully medically informed person"-type of new mothers.

But here is the reality of my "readiness" as of this moment:

1) My maternity bag is very nearly finished being packed.
2) I still have bits of laundry and cleaning in preparation for bringing Pod home
3) I'm already pre-registered at the hospital, and will just be waiting for the call from Labor & Delivery at the Antelope Valley Women & Infants Pavilion - which can come as early as 5am tomorrow morning - when they will let me know what time I can come in to begin the induction procedures.
4) I have done a bit of research and will be printing out a "short list" of labor-inducing acupressure points, etc. to bring with me to assist in the process tomorrow.
5) Yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble and Matt bought me a lovely leather journal and some magazines for the hospital
6) Today, my agenda consists of:
    a) getting the car a tune-up (for Pod-safety)
    b) buying some extra mini-DV tapes for the camcorder
    c) recording my self-Hypno Birthing script and music playlist to my mp3 player
    d) mailing some Thank You cards (already overdue!)
    e) bits of Pod-laundry and room-prep
    f) 1pm final prenatal massage
    g) manicure/pedicure (if I can fit it in)
    h) eating the magical labor-inducing salad that my mom will pick up for me when she goes into LA tonight
    i) trying to take lots of naps and conserve energy in this heat for tomorrow's marathon
    j) wrap-up updates and final communications before radio silence begins at midnight tonight

7) I've reviewed and considered a "birth plan" which is one of those long forms you can put together for yourself that makes all your medical decisions in advance in case anything happens.  Since I don't have a doula/midwife, and neither my mother nor my husband can speak for me (because of my autonomous, Aquarian nature) - I've made some decisions for my own self and have them at the ready.

All my skills of visualization, focus, concentration, relaxation, manifestation, will be at their height today and tomorrow - my training, my experience in Optimal Mindset put to the test.  All "pain" will be reframed as "pressure and sensation" and I will focus on communion with Pod as well as every cell in my body, for optimal balance of health, for skin elasticity and expansion, for summoning  and surrendering to the unconscious collective and infinite knowledge of the human body to perform the task of bringing new life into the world. 

Tonight I will prepare, as I have been preparing, like a professional athlete about to run a race - visualizing each step, from preparation, to the starting line, through the course - seeing myself maintain balance, poise, stamina, and solid lock focus throughout every possible weather - all the way through to the finish line.  Seeing myself through to completion with grace, ease, strength and even through minimal need for recovery time.  Until I can see myself, and be in the real moment where Pod is pressed to my breast and I can look at my baby son and know in my deepest heart what my life, my purpose and my evolution is really about. All other definitions of myself, identities, goals and priorities - I surrender and suspend today - in preparation for this transmutation.  I give thanks and open my heart to receive all the love thoughts, well wishes, positive vibrations and support from you, my friends and family, and give you these words to share my life and honest experience and thoughts, because my purpose on this earth is to be a conduit of love and maximum sentience.

FINAL FAQs

1. I've called you and left a voicemail, when are you going to call me back?
I'm sorry I haven't returned all voicemails.  I've been spaced out. If I don't call you back today, then I will call you when I get home from the hospital - whenever that is.

2. I've emailed you in response to your updates, are you going to email me back?
I'm going to try to return all individual emails today.

3. When can I visit you and the Pod?
If you want to drive to Lancaster on Sunday - hopefully Pod will be here by then - you can come and visit us in the hospital.  If not, I'll be here at my mom's house with Pod for the next 6 weeks, and you are welcome to visit us anytime. I'll be on maternity leave for 6 weeks. I don't expect we will be doing any traveling ( to San Francisco, etc. ) until perhaps sometime after Labor Day.

4. How can I be notified if I want to know how everything goes tomorrow?
You can call/text my husband or my sister, Nikki - please email me if you want the #s.

5. I'm so curious about Pod's name being revealed when he is born - when/how will you announce it?
I may send a "blog post from my phone" to my blog - so you can check it here.

6.  Until what time tonight will you be checking emails/taking calls?
I will be checking emails until midnight-ish, taking calls until about 9ish.

7.  After the Pod is born, will you be less available to me - is it selfish of me to want to talk to you about what's going on in my life?
Understandably, my main focus will be the Pod and my family.  It isn't selfish to talk about your life, and because my loved ones are extremely important to me, I will ALWAYS want to know what's going on, give you support, encouragement, commiseration and help where and when I can.  If you really need me, don't leave me out, I have more love than ever now and have plenty to share.

Pod is clamoring for breakfast. I need to start this day.  I can't get that dumbass "It's the FINAL COUNTDOWN" song out of my head because it's on an infomercial I see all the time, and because Beth had to sing it into my voicemail the other day.  I need to get another song in my head - something marathon appropriate - "Eye of the Tiger"-ish -- any suggestions would be welcome, as would any mp3s you would like to send for me to include in my "Childbirth/Labor Mp3 Megamix" that I'm putting together.

Always, always with more gratitude and more love,

Carmen - The Incubatrix

P.S. - Final FAQ

8.  What were you thinking about when you were planning out the "creation of your childbirth experience?
See list below for the questions I asked myself:

How to Create the Childbirth Experience I want

OPTIMAL GOAL
1. What kind of childbirth experience do I want for myself? What do I want it to be for my Pod?

LIMITING BELIEF TO BE RELEASED
2.  What image needs to be fully replaced with a more optimal visualization preparation? What do I fear right now?

STRATEGY
3. What next actions can I take to prepare this experience?

TEAM BUILDING AND DELEGATION
4. Who are the resources I need to call on and what tasks/responsibilities do I need to assign/outsource?

FOCUS
5. What thoughts/visions/mantras should I focus on before, during and after the induction/childbirth process?

Pod Emergence resched to Saturday July 14th

I. Labor Induction Rescheduled to July 14th - Mark your Calendars!

The induction/Pod's Emergence has been rescheduled to Saturday, July 14th.

Reasons why this is cool: 
a) July 14th is my husband's (the Podfather's) adopted birthday.
b) July 14th is a new moon
c) July 14th is Bastille Day
d) Because it's a Saturday, more family can come and be with me as I wait on the labor . . .

II. C'mon, DILATE
Okay, so my cervix is totally closed still. I'm not dilated at all. My primary ob/gyn is Dr. Ngo - a conservative, rather clinical man. I had to see his partner, Dr. Farid, the other week.  Dr. Farid is an older fellow, kind of brusque and extremely forthright.  I told him I was freaking out a little bit about the whole induction process, and he kept waving his hand at me, telling me that with an epidural, it's all a PIECE OF CAKE. (Incidentally, my mother, who gave birth to me and my 4 sisters, keeps saying that childbirth is a PIECE OF CAKE.  I wish people would say something else because it makes me really want to eat some cake, which I can't right now, on account of my gestational diabetes) 

Dr. Farid said this:

- You have boyfriend? Husband?
    - Husband, I say.
- Can he sucks your nipples?
    - Wha-ha? I say.
- It will stimulate the oxytocin (he points to my head) - same as the pitocin we use to induce contractions
    - Uh, ok, I say.
- And can you Orgasm-uh?
    - Um, I haven't in awhile . .
- Orgasm-uh is good . . helps to dilate the cervix...

I half expected him to write it on his prescription pad "Sucks nipples and Orgasmuh"

A conversation with Dr. Ngo:

- So Ma'am (he calls me Ma'am) - you're still not dilated.
    - At all?
- Not at all. Completely closed.
    - So what can I do? Walk? Jump? Climb stairs? Eat a magical salad?**
- Those things don't really work. .
    - So what natural things CAN I do to help me dilate?
- Uh. . ahh. . . sex (he says, really haltingly) - the prostaglandins in the semen help to ripen the cervix.  . . and also. . nipple stimulation. .
    - Um, okay, thanks.

My sister Nikki found the restaurant online which claims to have a "labor-inducing salad."  It's in Studio City.  We'll either get that salad, or try to make it here at home, and I'll eat it on Friday night.  Also, I've been waddling in the mall.  I'm very heavy now - my belly hard and round, and I just discovered that I weigh 178 lbs - terrifyingly close to 2 bills!  I can't get up or sit down without an involuntary exposition of "OOF."

III.  License to Freak Out

Monday, July 9th - after several days of not sleeping well due to the extreme 100+ F heat here in the desert - I awoke AGAIN at 5am, and made a decision - to give myself full, free license to totally freak out as much as I want about labor, childbirth, etc. until Saturday morning.  In previous weeks I was fighting it - berating myself for not having better prepared, or for freaking out or crying at all.  Reading preggy books and websites with all these women's labor horror stories and whipping myself up into a fine freaked out state.  Totally losing my Optimal Mindset.

New Strategy:  To exhaust/blow out my fears and anxieties until I get totally bored of freaking out, so that when Saturday rolls around, I will be hyper-focused and serene, with all my energies and emotions at optimal levels and locked on my psychic link with with Pod.

In a conversation with Heather, I affirmed this for myself:

"There will be money, and jobs, and projects and a place to live, and solutions to all the little dilemmas and logistics
in an ordered sequence
and it's my job
to just stay MINDFUL of the moment I'm in
and execute and exist within this moment
as fully and powerfully and with as much self-awareness as I am capable of.
and all the freaking out about "what if's?" are totally unnecessary and lame
and not authentic to my true self, which I know is prescient, powerful and completely unstoppable
because *I* am the ONLY person who ever could stop me from getting what i want
so even *I* have to tell MY OWN SELF "Get on board, or get out of my way""

IV. Pod has named himself

Everyone asks if we have a name for Pod.  I knew that Pod would name himself.  And he has.  During a recent prenatal massage (wherein Pod and I have our most intimate conversations), I had a mini-dream/visualization: I was sitting, propped up, in the hospital bed, being asked to fill out Pod's birth certificate forms.  Without hesitation, I saw myself writing out a name, in my own handwriting, letter-by-letter - until I had Pod's first and middle name, ending with De Jesus-Kenefick.  It's definitely an unusual name - poetic, epic, literary - but not one that I would have thought of.  I even challenged this vision, by forcing myself to imagine writing a different name - any other name, but in the visualization the letters kept coming out the same - that original name as directed by the Pod.  He has chosen for himself, and has also requested that his name be kept secret until he is born.  I will honor his request.  Only Matt and I know the name.  When I was finished with my massage that day, I told Matt "I have news from Pod."  We had a special lunch at the little French Cafe at the Grove/Farmer's Market, where I wrote the name on a piece of paper, and handed it over to Matt to read. Matt was stunned, but as we lunched, we both were kind of spaced out, as we mulled over the fit of such a name.  We are both committed to honoring Pod's request.  My mom's reaction to this: "Yeah, right."  But I will not deviate from this vision.

V.  Thank you cards on their way out!

I only just went on official maternity leave from my full-time job, so I've finally gotten around to writing my personal thank you notes to everyone who was so kind and generous in their gifts for Pod.  We have so much stuff - and we're excited to be using all the Pod-gear!  I apologize for the delay in expressing my written gratitude, but please know that I am so blessed, grateful and appreciative of all the kind support of my wonderful friends and family. 

More to come, as I am expressing in words as freely as I expect to express milks for the Pod . . . and am thankful for all the emails, phone calls and texts.

Always with more love,

Carmen, the Incubatrix

The Manga Man, né The Hanging Butoh

I recorded a short narration  of an excerpt of novelist Alexander Besher's newest tome: The Manga Man, (né The Hanging Butoh).  Mr. Besher wrote one of the most fascinating sci-fi trilogies I've ever read, called "The Rim Trilogy."

My voice is now captured on his site.

Go to: Alexanderbesher.tv and click on the icon.

Click on "Coming Soon."  Read through the reviews, and then scroll down to the bottom, where you can click on a link to "Listen to an audio excerpt from THE MANGA MAN."

Finding Balance in Parallel Processes

Apart from my wonderful new job, I run several parallel processes in my life. I've been writing on the web under different avatars since 2000.  Spilling my most visceral, messy-human, seething feelings before a strange and select cultivated audience of readers, I felt liberated in the safety of anonymity.  No one could judge me or hold me accountable. 

I wrote these secret diaries for almost 5 years straight, throughout the darkest and most confusing times of my own personal evolution, while the dot com bubble puffed itself up, then imploded, leaving so many people laid off and unemployed.  I myself made it through at least 5-6 rounds of layoffs without a scratch, being promoted through the ranks of high-tech advertising, but also taking on more and more responsibilities as my support teams were swallowed up by quarterly downsizing. 

Eventually, this kind of overclocking, stress and overworking absolutely took its toll on me, my eyes, my wrists, my fingers, hands, arms, neck, and back were killing me and I was an absolute wound-up ball of stress 24/7.  I had no sense of work/life balance.  By the time I got home from this job I just collapsed in a little heap, and de-animated, recharging my battery for another day at the grind of artificially created client-service deadline stress.  Blogging under my anonymous avatar was my main "social" outlet.  I was forced to work part time, then not at all, as my physical pains overtook me and to get relief, I had to file for disability, and jump through the insurance hoops of verifying this "cumulative work injury."  2.5 years of intense therapy and state-funded "occupational therapy" and "vocational rehabilitation" later - I became a hypnotherapist, and learned for myself (also to teach others) how to visualize, breathe, relax, find balance, and create optimal mindsets and realities for each day.

Which brings me to 2007, where I write openly under my real name, and let people know who I am. I'm now officially a screenwriter, with other projects in the works.  I've started an artistic movement for Filipino Arts which just launched our corresponding site/monthly e-zine called The Balikbayan Renaissance.  I participate/present in/at Barcamp LA (check out my first little article for them). I write for my colleague Heather's collaborative metaphysically-flavored weblog, Daily Mantra.  I still take on a few select clients for hypno-coaching.  I teach monthly productivity workshops.  I work full-time as a Sales&Marketing Manager as well as a Social Media Specialist.  I'm 21 weeks pregnant with my first baby.

I don't really get stressed anymore - sometimes frustrated, but I never feel helpless, and those feelings evaporate quickly as my own optimal mindset resets my focus on my blessings, my goals, my vision. Little annoyances are fleeting and they just don't stick, and I don't let them get in my way. 
I think I've locked into my own personal productivity groove, where I *can* move at the speed of light, but from my perspective, I'm standing totally still. Time is just a sequence of ordered events, right? 

There's time enough for everything. 

New Moon Ritual - Mindmapping Intentions

The New Moon in Capricorn is an excellent time to plan your intentions for the year.

I have my own rituals for planning out my goals, and one of my favorite ways to do that is to use mindmaps. This is a collapsed version - I keep my expanded version private.

Each and every one of those little satellites has a list of specific goals attached to it. I've discovered that these mindmaps help me clarify, visualize and feel energized by my plans.

I should also add, that each item on the expanded satellite lists triggers me to a next physical action - in GTD terminology, these are "trigger lists" - which can be put into my GTD system as projects, then evaluated for next actions - like @calls, @emails, etc.

Patternlock, of course, refers to my marriage.
Pod refers to my little baby in my tummy.
Art is stuff I do for art's sake, whether or not it will bring me financial gain.
Karma Bank includes skills/time/projects to contribute to others, and the mutual arising.

If you'd like to try mind-mapping - there are tons of free trials for mindmapping programs, or you can also download freeware like Freemind.

Ordering Chaos: Pt 4: Epiphany

As I was driving back from San Francisco, I realized why I was born.  I was driving back, alone, a drive I can make in about 5 hours or less, a drive I enjoy.  I sing, I think, I snap little pictures, I audioblog for my husband.  I scribble little notes.

As I was caterwauling along to a Martina McBride song, I started crying. . . "I was born, to give my love, I was born to give my love, I was born, to give my love, to you. . "

I thought: I know what I am made for. I know my purpose. I know my greatest achievements in this life are not accumulations of accolades, wealth, fame, validation, or stuff.

My greatest wealth comes from those connections I have made, connections of intimacy, support, compassion and strength.  I look at my friends, who own nicer cars, lots of property, and sometimes I compare myself to them - what do I have?  What can I show for all these years of existence?

My network of love is vast, with roots reaching far back in time, and spanning the globe.  I give of myself, without need for acknowledgement, but I acknowledge others.  I validate from within.  My confidence is born from the knowledge that I operate within a context of love, compassion, patience and pleasure that I create myself.  I am known and loved by many friends, not for what I do for a living, or proofs of my awesomeness, but just because I exist.  I am me, and that is abundant, and because of this I trust my steps, I trust in the natural sequence of events, I am curious and wondrous about the unravelling story that is my experience of this life. 
 

Versus Gravity & Birthday Rituals

The picture to the left is from the Ecstasy: In and Out of Altered States exhibit at the Geffen Contemporary Museum in Little Tokyo, here in Los Angeles.  Considering my ongoing fight agaist gravity, I thought it was an apt graphic.

My birthday this year corresponded with the full moon!  No big fanfare this year, no big social gathering, instead I went to the museum with my two cousins Danielle and Rochelle, and also the ever-vescent Heathervescent.  Had a lovely sushi lunch and wander around Little Tokyo.  Then I took off on my own to the Natura Spa in Koreatown, where the herbal baths and steam renewed me, and I literally had all the dead skin scoured off of me!

In the spa I meditated and visualized what I wanted from the year to come, put away any remaining limiting beliefs or fears that I sensed were still holding me back, and emerged feeling lighter, newer, fresher and purer!  From there it was a short ride to meet with my mother, sister and cousins for some bulgogi and galbi at Chosun Galbi!  A delicious night.

I drove home alone, with the full moon shining down upon me, and used that time to continue to focus  my intent, generating ideas for this lunar new year, trying to get a sense and shape of my grander purpose and how to present my integrated self as a gift to the world.

With regard to my newly installed "Wake up, Roll to the Side, Get Up" habit, I'm happy to report that my eyes fly open each day between 7 and 7.30 a.m., regardless of the day, regardless of how much sleep I had, and even when I'm groggy and bleary eyed I fight gravity and try to wake into a power state.
I will be honest, on the weekends, when I have no appointments in the morning or anything specific to do, I'll get up and do my thing, have some water, then crawl back under the covers.  But it's a CHOICE, people!

Thank you to all my friends, family and clients who remembered my birthday with phone calls, cards, text messages and emails!  Certainly is lovely to feel remembered.