Each Day R/Evolution

Breaking down and finding purpose

Today I broke down. It is painful to my ego to admit that I might be suffering from some kind of post-partum depression. But I have been a self-diagnosed "dopamine junkie" since 1999 - and I just realized that I am so Pod-focused, so depleted in energy, that I have no source of dopamine-production stimuli anymore.

The ego leads me back to thoughts of pleasure. Where are my selfish pleasures now? I have no pleasures of the body anymore, and when I even meditate too long on the lack of pleasure my only release is weeping.  I weep as Phoenix cries.  It is my only physical release and one of my only selfish acts these days - the mourning of my "old life," my freedoms, my mobility, my pleasures.

Ah, but there is the trap again - the backward glances, the focus on the lack.  My friend Myke today reminded me that I should be creative, and not just online - but something physical, tangible.  I could argue that I've just produced the most exhaustive and complete creation of my life.  But he is right.  It is imperative that somehow I muster enough energy and focus to be generative. Not just thinking of business/money - but artistically generative.  This is critical to my soul, and to the nurturing of my Pod.

I've been worried about what effect this maternity sabbatical and shift in priorities is having on my career.  I am anxious about how I will manage to return to full-time work focus mode and raise my Pod.  How can my career advance if I can't take client meetings, or if I can't work overtime on innovating solutions?

I look at my tiny son, whose connection to the infinite was so reassuring when he was in my womb. I search his eyes and open my port, willing him to open up our telepathic link and send me glimpses of the future.

"How is this all supposed to work?  How do I make it work?  How do I find ease and balance in this newest level of responsibility and consciousness?"

He stares back. Clear grey eyes. Smiles, wiggles, looks around, distracted by the light. Pouts. Furrows tiny brows and grunts. 
I weep as he watches and listens to me.  The lyrics to "This Woman's Work" loop in my head, triggering fresh onslaughts of tears. . .

"I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't."

No time for thoughts of self. Self-care limited to that which is for the sake of the Pod - keeping my energy up, keeping my milk production up, having just enough patience to respond as much as possible to his needs with gentleness, sweetness, nurturing - because that is what he deserves.  No time for thoughts of romance. Fresh tears. Dark, unenlightened, sub-optimal word forms and thoughts conspire with sleep deprivation and materialize resentments for which there are no cures nor justifications. I aim to just let the thoughts pass, flow through me, letting them pass.

Dining out on memories now. The dopamine junkie in me is starved, begins to loop back to old memories, if only to squeeze out any leftover chemical reaction to soothe myself.  Then I berate myself for looking back. Then I berate myself for berating myself.  Then I breathe and jolt myself back into the present moment. Must be present in the moment, musn't miss a precious minute of these early days of Pod's life . . . slipping away like wax melting off a candle . . .

I rock Phoenix in my arms, he quiets, I keep crying, a spontaneous force-restart litany of offering/acknowledging abundance. . . my litany of Thank You's -
Thank you for my healthy perfect son, thank you for my health and recovery, thank you for all the love that I am given, for friends, for family. Thank you for the sentience, thank you for this life, thank you for all the challenges which are so minor in comparison to the lives of those less fortunate, thank you that I have food for myself and can provide shelter and milk for my son, thank you for all my needs which are provided for. Thank you for my son's life and purpose. Thank you for my life. Thank you for my purpose, my purpose, my purpose. . . .

My purpose is not to satisfy my ego and its to fall into its traps of comparative successes.  My purpose is not to be a career oriented over achiever, or even to be acknowledged or lauded for my achievements. 
My purpose is the transformation and utmost evolution of my soul and awareness, to live with optimal energetic balance to give and receive love, to transcend the traps of the ego by living simply but with maximum sentience, to use my intellect, experience, compassion, skills and interpersonal intuitions to provide for my survival and the survival of my child primarily, and for the support and betterment of my loved ones/mutual arising, secondarily.

As an individual human on this planet, in this life, this is my purpose.

I Twitter'd my Entire Childbirth/Labor Experience

Some people think it's insane that I was updating my Twitter stream throughout my childbirth/labor experience - as in during my contractions, from the hospital bed, through my water breaking, my epidural, and immediately after pushing out the Pod.

It's not that I needed everyone to know every single detail. People WANTED to know - loved ones from all over the world were calling my phone, my husband's phone, my sisters' phones - all wanting to know if Pod had emerged yet. My loved ones, friends and family alike, were ENGAGED and INVESTED in this event.

I share my life online, and have been doing so, in various incarnations and under various monikers, since 1999. So I shared this experience also - as part of my digital evolution. It is also a permanent record, for myself, to remember the hyper-conscious moments - and relive them.

Photos of my beautiful son are here on Flickr.

Here is my/Phoenix's Birth Story, which I summarized to send to my  in-laws, who are in the UK:

Phoenix Orison De Jesus Kenefick
Born Sunday, July 15th, 2007 at 8.43pm, 8 lbs 11 oz, 21 inches long, head 13 cm, after 15.5 hours of labor

I was scheduled to be called in for the labor induction on Saturday, July 14th, and the hospital told us to be ready to come in as early as 5am that morning, so that is what Matt and I prepared for.  We waited for the call from the hospital - for an available bed/room for labor and delivery.  It was so hot that day - completely sweltering - and I was so impatient to get "the show on the road" - torn between impatience and growing anxiety.  We waited the ENTIRE day for the hospital to call - and I even called them several times to inquire - but the women in labor that day weren't giving birth very quickly - so it was just a waiting game - no one to blame, really - whatever babies were en route that day were taking their time.

Up until 11.00pm on Saturday night we waited.  I called the hospital one last time to inquire - and ask if I should just go to bed and wait for their call in the morning. I was told that I could be called in at any time - even in the wee hours - 2am/3am - whenever.  So I said, fine, I'm going to bed.

At 11.30pm, just as I had brushed my teeth, had resigned myself to waiting until the next day, and was getting settled in for sleep, I received a call - FROM THE HOSPITAL!  The nurse who called me was the same one I'd been talking to all day - and she apologized for the wait - but told me that they were ready for me - and that I had 30 mins to prepare and get to the hospital to get started!!!!

The entire household, though tired from waiting around all day, sprung into immediate action. My bags were packed and ready.  Matt and I collected some final things, and we took off for the 5 minute drive to the hospital, with my mother and 3 of my sisters (1 sister had waited all day, but then had to go home) in tow.  We all descended into the lobby, where I breezed through Admitting because I had pre-registered a few days earlier.  The nurse let us all in, and we were shown into our room.  It was a private room - where not only the induction would begin, but the actual delivery would take place.  We all settled in, and I changed into a hospital gown.  My sister Zandi braided my hair, and I did a light make-up job to maintain a bit of glamour and presentability throughout the process.

The nurse took my vitals, had me sign some forms, and started me on my IV.  My ob/gyn came in, checked me and told me my cervix was still completely closed, and that they would start me on an IV of Cytotek, which would help stimulate my cervical dilation.

My cervix needed to be 10 cm dilated for me to deliver.  I was at 0cm dilated.  So we had a long way to go.  After they started the IV, I was no longer allowed to eat or drink anything except ice chips until after the actual delivery.  Since we had such a long wait in store, they gave me some Benadryl in my IV to put me to sleep, so I could conserve my energy.  I slept from about 1am - 5am.  The nurse and doctor both told me that it could take up to 24 hours for me to achieve full dilation. They kept trying to warn me that the induction "might not work" and not to be disappointed or discouraged if it took a long time. "Some women, with their first pregnancies, have been here for up to 72 hours," said Dr. Ngo.

HA!  Obviously, they didn't know who they were dealing with.  I have very intimate communication and cooperation not only with Pod in my tummy, but with every cell in my body, and I know how to get all my cells and organs to work together in coordinated concert.

I slept, with Matt at my side.  My mother went to go visit her station of the hospital - Postpartum - and they were short a nurse and asked her to work.  Despite the fact she'd worked a full 12 hour shift the night before, and hadn't slept because she was also waiting up with us for the hospital to call, she decided to work a few hours to help out her station, plus she'd also be closeby to me. She was running on adrenaline - she said she couldn't have slept anyway.  My other sisters went home to sleep.

At 5am, the doctor and nurse came in, and checked me again.  HAHA!  I'd gone from 0cm to 3cm dilated in only 4 hours.  They were stunned! Heh.  The doctor decided then to start me on the pitocin - which is what they use to begin inducing my uterine contractions.

For the next 5 hours, I dilate a little bit more, and the contractions begin - uncomfortable, and I put my headphones on and start humming and singing to breathe through the discomfort.  As I was taught in my Hypnobirthing courses at my hypnotherapy school, I only allowed myself to think of the discomfort as "pressure and sensation" - and never even referred to my discomfort as pain - not to the medical team, anyone or even my internal dialogue.

At around 10am, and 4cm dilated, the discomfort becomes nearly unbearable, and I feel my energy draining from me as I try to breathe through it.  I decide then it is time to ask for my epidural.  The anesthesiologist, a wonderful and skilled doctor, comes in and administers the epidural into my back.  I feel the numbness begin from my lower back, all the way down to my toes, almost immediately.  My body relaxes - and about 30 minutes later I feel a POP!  My water breaks!

The doctor tells me that now that my water has broken that I should dilate a lot more quickly . . . at 3pm, I'm at 6cm dilated, only 4 more to go.  The contractions are more intense, and I can feel Baby Pod bearing down on me.  I listen to my music, hum, breathe. Matt is at my side, holding my hand and pressing down at a specific acupressure point to relieve pain.

At 5pm I am 8 cm dilated.  I rest as much as possible to conserve energy for the pushing to come. At 7pm I am 10 cm, fully dilated.  The nurse tells me that Pod's head is still rather high up, and that althought I am fully dilated, I should wait until Pod's head drops down till he's almost right on top of my cervix, so I can minimize the time and effort needed to push him out.  It's a nearly unbearable pressure I feel, but I tell her that I can do it - that I can wait.

Inside myself, I tell Pod we have to work together.  I tell him he has to swim and squirm.  I send him guiding tones with the hums in my exhalations.  There is a monitor for his heart rate, so that with each contraction the medical team and the family can see where he is pushing and trying to make his way down.  When he is actively moving, the monitor shows his heart rate is between 155 - 170.  When he is resting, his heart rate goes down to about 130s.  So I coordinate with Pod, and tell him "Let's go" and his heart rate goes up.  When I can't bear the pressure anymore, I say out loud "Take a break, Pod" and his heart rate drops back to a resting rate of 130s.  People watch as he responds to my requests.

Just after 8pm, they check me again. The nurse is astonished that his head has dropped down to exactly where it needs to be so quickly.  She calls the doctor, and they prepare me to begin pushing.  The doctor arrives, my feet go up into the stirrups, and my labor team of my sister Nikki, Matt, and my mom take their places.  I can here a little voice inside my head saying "I'm coming, Mommy" and my body starts to shake and cry. The nurse calls this "the transition."

I push with all my might, turning up the music on my headphones so I can concentrate - because everyone around me is just yelling excitedly - Pushpushpushpush!!! - I am only listening to the doctor telling me how long to hold the push, and focusing all my thoughts on telling Pod it squirm and swim - visualizing a dolphin spinning in the water as it gives birth to its spinning baby dolphin - humming and breathing to envelope him with sonic lubrication and signal for him to lock on to and to guide him - telling him that if it takes every last bit of my life force, I was going to push him into the light. That was my focus - to give Pod my life force - even all of it.

About 5 or so cycles of pushing - and an episiotomy ( I had to be cut because Pod's head was too big ) - just a little over 30 minutes of pushing, I felt a huge rush and push as a live little person dove out of me!

He had a slight temperature at birth, so after cleaning and weighing him, and after Matt cut the umbilical cord, they let me meet him before whisking him away to be monitored, etc.  Matt went with him, while I stayed behind to be repaired and attended to by the doctor and nurses post-delivery.  After I was all stitched up and cleaned up, they wheeled me to the postpartum ward, where I rested.  Three hours elapsed between delivery and the time when Phoenix and Matt were brought to me.

Matt stayed with us in the private room, so all three of us were together.  I barely slept.  The next day, my mother was scheduled to work at the hospital so she was officially assigned to the care of me and Phoenix, which was very nice.  We all went home on Tuesday afternoon, where my sisters had prepared and decorated our room to welcome us.

--------------

Matt and I did not attend any childbirth classes or trainings.  All of these rituals, visualizations, meditations and practices I came up with on my own, a syncretization of prayer, meditation, trance work, self hypnosis, NLP, Hypno-birthing, tranceformational breathing, acupressure, mindfulness, and pain transcendence techniques. I made a decision to create the childbirth experience I wanted for myself and for my little Phoenix, and together we made it happen.

The Auspicious Arrival of Phoenix Orison De Jesus Kenefick

Thank you to everyone who sent their love energy on Saturday 7/14 and Sunday 7/15. I felt it. And Pod was induced and born elegantly, gracefully and with fully locked-on love guidance to welcome him.
Phoenix Orison De Jesus Kenefick was born after 15.5 hours of labor on Sunday, 7/15/07 at 8.43pm!

I've been recuperating, healing and acclimating to "mom-ness" - but wanted to give this brief update, with a promise of formal birth announcements and more to come shortly. 

Always with more love - Carmen

On the Origin and Meaning of the baby's name:

( From an earlier CDJ Update)
IV. Pod has named himself

Everyone asks if we have a name for Pod.  I knew that Pod would name himself.  And he has.  During a recent prenatal massage (wherein Pod and I have our most intimate conversations), I had a
mini-dream/visualization: I was sitting, propped up, in the hospital bed, being asked to fill out Pod's
birth certificate forms.  Without hesitation, I saw myself writing out a name, in my own handwriting,
letter-by-letter - until I had Pod's first and middle name, ending with De Jesus-Kenefick.  It's definitely
an unusual name - poetic, epic, literary - but not one that I would have thought of.  I even challenged this vision, by forcing myself to imagine writing a different name - any other name, but in the
visualization the letters kept coming out the same - that original name as directed by the Pod.  He has
chosen for himself, and has also requested that his name be kept secret until he is born.  I will honor
his request.  Only Matt and I know the name.  When I was finished with my massage that day, I told Matt "I have news from Pod."  We had a special lunch at the little French Cafe at the Grove/Farmer's Market, where I wrote the name on a piece of paper, and handed it over to Matt to read. Matt was stunned, but as we lunched, we both were kind of spaced out, as we mulled over the fit of such a name.  We are both committed to honoring Pod's request.  My mom's reaction to this: "Yeah, right."  But I will not deviate from this vision.

Update 7/19:  I fulfilled Pod's request and did not reveal his name until immediately after he was born.  My legs still in the stirrups, my whole body still shaking - I was handed a pen and a paper for his birth certificate.  Completely fulfilling the vision that Pod had sent to me that day, I "announced" his name by writing it out on the paper and handing it off, then I closed my eyes and rested.

Phoenix: Everyone knows what is a Phoenix.  I interpret this name not only to be about rebirth (wherein little Pod is indeed a rebirthed new soul into the world), re-emergence, fire, light, rising. . .

Orison: When Pod told me this middle name, I didn't have any clue as to why he wanted it.  I remembered the word from a line in Hamlet, wherein Hamlet speaks of Ophelia "Nymph, in thy orisons be all my sins remembered."  Anyway, Orison is an old English word, taken from an old French word - all meaning "prayer" or "request to a deity" and sometimes specifically "morning song" or "morning prayer." 

**We can still call him P.O.D. Kenefick!

Twitter for Pod Updates

Typepad's Moblogging function from my phone is Wack.  Therefore, I have signed up with Twitter to send any Critical Pod Updates from my phone.  You can see them here on the Upper Right ------>
or you can simply bookmark http://twitter.com/carmenleilani.

When Pod is born, his name will be announced via Twitter, and on this blog.

I wonder if I will be able to sleep at all tonight, even though I know I'll need all my energy for tomorrow.

Spacing Out and Going Under Deep Cover - The Final Countdown Friday the 13th

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to the hospital tomorrow. I will not have any wireless/internet access as of tomorrow morning - and hopefully/probably will not be checking my email again until sometime on Monday or next week, AFTER I give birth.

The Pod has been very restless is my tummy these past few days, moving and stretching within me nonstop.  I've been packing my maternity bag, cleaning up my room a little, washing all the little Pod-clothes, hats, booties and blankets, and trying to stay cool, stay preoccupied, take lots of naps, and remain fairly "normal."

But today is the last day of Podlessness, if he cooperates with the medical procedures tomorrow, which are designed to coax him from his safe uterus apartment, where he has been growing and doing his womb-kata, giving me all sorts of psychic advice thanks to his uplink to the infinite (which incidentally I believe will be curtailed to a certain degree to give his spirit the opportunity to rediscover the wonders of life after he is born "into the light"), where he has been thriving on my nutrients and preparing himself.

Today I send my final emails, return some phone calls, and begin my self-created ritual of preparation.  While I am not a Scientologist, I do appreciate the intention behind their theories of silent birth - and will be enforcing a radio silence within myself starting tomorrow morning, communicating very little except with those directly present around me - so I can focus all my energies and thoughts on guiding, directing, reassuring and invoking my little Pod into this world with calm confidence and supreme grace.

The #1 question I've been asked - "Are you ready?"  I can't even begin to answer that with full honesty.  I could answer with halting bewilderment - or with a Zen-koan type riddle about "What is Readiness?" or "Ready or Not, Pod is coming." I could give a less-than-confident answer about how I could be more ready - if I had taken childbirth classes like Lamaze or something, and if I had been one of those "I'm thoroughly researching every possible procedure so I can be a fully medically informed person"-type of new mothers.

But here is the reality of my "readiness" as of this moment:

1) My maternity bag is very nearly finished being packed.
2) I still have bits of laundry and cleaning in preparation for bringing Pod home
3) I'm already pre-registered at the hospital, and will just be waiting for the call from Labor & Delivery at the Antelope Valley Women & Infants Pavilion - which can come as early as 5am tomorrow morning - when they will let me know what time I can come in to begin the induction procedures.
4) I have done a bit of research and will be printing out a "short list" of labor-inducing acupressure points, etc. to bring with me to assist in the process tomorrow.
5) Yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble and Matt bought me a lovely leather journal and some magazines for the hospital
6) Today, my agenda consists of:
    a) getting the car a tune-up (for Pod-safety)
    b) buying some extra mini-DV tapes for the camcorder
    c) recording my self-Hypno Birthing script and music playlist to my mp3 player
    d) mailing some Thank You cards (already overdue!)
    e) bits of Pod-laundry and room-prep
    f) 1pm final prenatal massage
    g) manicure/pedicure (if I can fit it in)
    h) eating the magical labor-inducing salad that my mom will pick up for me when she goes into LA tonight
    i) trying to take lots of naps and conserve energy in this heat for tomorrow's marathon
    j) wrap-up updates and final communications before radio silence begins at midnight tonight

7) I've reviewed and considered a "birth plan" which is one of those long forms you can put together for yourself that makes all your medical decisions in advance in case anything happens.  Since I don't have a doula/midwife, and neither my mother nor my husband can speak for me (because of my autonomous, Aquarian nature) - I've made some decisions for my own self and have them at the ready.

All my skills of visualization, focus, concentration, relaxation, manifestation, will be at their height today and tomorrow - my training, my experience in Optimal Mindset put to the test.  All "pain" will be reframed as "pressure and sensation" and I will focus on communion with Pod as well as every cell in my body, for optimal balance of health, for skin elasticity and expansion, for summoning  and surrendering to the unconscious collective and infinite knowledge of the human body to perform the task of bringing new life into the world. 

Tonight I will prepare, as I have been preparing, like a professional athlete about to run a race - visualizing each step, from preparation, to the starting line, through the course - seeing myself maintain balance, poise, stamina, and solid lock focus throughout every possible weather - all the way through to the finish line.  Seeing myself through to completion with grace, ease, strength and even through minimal need for recovery time.  Until I can see myself, and be in the real moment where Pod is pressed to my breast and I can look at my baby son and know in my deepest heart what my life, my purpose and my evolution is really about. All other definitions of myself, identities, goals and priorities - I surrender and suspend today - in preparation for this transmutation.  I give thanks and open my heart to receive all the love thoughts, well wishes, positive vibrations and support from you, my friends and family, and give you these words to share my life and honest experience and thoughts, because my purpose on this earth is to be a conduit of love and maximum sentience.

FINAL FAQs

1. I've called you and left a voicemail, when are you going to call me back?
I'm sorry I haven't returned all voicemails.  I've been spaced out. If I don't call you back today, then I will call you when I get home from the hospital - whenever that is.

2. I've emailed you in response to your updates, are you going to email me back?
I'm going to try to return all individual emails today.

3. When can I visit you and the Pod?
If you want to drive to Lancaster on Sunday - hopefully Pod will be here by then - you can come and visit us in the hospital.  If not, I'll be here at my mom's house with Pod for the next 6 weeks, and you are welcome to visit us anytime. I'll be on maternity leave for 6 weeks. I don't expect we will be doing any traveling ( to San Francisco, etc. ) until perhaps sometime after Labor Day.

4. How can I be notified if I want to know how everything goes tomorrow?
You can call/text my husband or my sister, Nikki - please email me if you want the #s.

5. I'm so curious about Pod's name being revealed when he is born - when/how will you announce it?
I may send a "blog post from my phone" to my blog - so you can check it here.

6.  Until what time tonight will you be checking emails/taking calls?
I will be checking emails until midnight-ish, taking calls until about 9ish.

7.  After the Pod is born, will you be less available to me - is it selfish of me to want to talk to you about what's going on in my life?
Understandably, my main focus will be the Pod and my family.  It isn't selfish to talk about your life, and because my loved ones are extremely important to me, I will ALWAYS want to know what's going on, give you support, encouragement, commiseration and help where and when I can.  If you really need me, don't leave me out, I have more love than ever now and have plenty to share.

Pod is clamoring for breakfast. I need to start this day.  I can't get that dumbass "It's the FINAL COUNTDOWN" song out of my head because it's on an infomercial I see all the time, and because Beth had to sing it into my voicemail the other day.  I need to get another song in my head - something marathon appropriate - "Eye of the Tiger"-ish -- any suggestions would be welcome, as would any mp3s you would like to send for me to include in my "Childbirth/Labor Mp3 Megamix" that I'm putting together.

Always, always with more gratitude and more love,

Carmen - The Incubatrix

P.S. - Final FAQ

8.  What were you thinking about when you were planning out the "creation of your childbirth experience?
See list below for the questions I asked myself:

How to Create the Childbirth Experience I want

OPTIMAL GOAL
1. What kind of childbirth experience do I want for myself? What do I want it to be for my Pod?

LIMITING BELIEF TO BE RELEASED
2.  What image needs to be fully replaced with a more optimal visualization preparation? What do I fear right now?

STRATEGY
3. What next actions can I take to prepare this experience?

TEAM BUILDING AND DELEGATION
4. Who are the resources I need to call on and what tasks/responsibilities do I need to assign/outsource?

FOCUS
5. What thoughts/visions/mantras should I focus on before, during and after the induction/childbirth process?

Pod Emergence resched to Saturday July 14th

I. Labor Induction Rescheduled to July 14th - Mark your Calendars!

The induction/Pod's Emergence has been rescheduled to Saturday, July 14th.

Reasons why this is cool: 
a) July 14th is my husband's (the Podfather's) adopted birthday.
b) July 14th is a new moon
c) July 14th is Bastille Day
d) Because it's a Saturday, more family can come and be with me as I wait on the labor . . .

II. C'mon, DILATE
Okay, so my cervix is totally closed still. I'm not dilated at all. My primary ob/gyn is Dr. Ngo - a conservative, rather clinical man. I had to see his partner, Dr. Farid, the other week.  Dr. Farid is an older fellow, kind of brusque and extremely forthright.  I told him I was freaking out a little bit about the whole induction process, and he kept waving his hand at me, telling me that with an epidural, it's all a PIECE OF CAKE. (Incidentally, my mother, who gave birth to me and my 4 sisters, keeps saying that childbirth is a PIECE OF CAKE.  I wish people would say something else because it makes me really want to eat some cake, which I can't right now, on account of my gestational diabetes) 

Dr. Farid said this:

- You have boyfriend? Husband?
    - Husband, I say.
- Can he sucks your nipples?
    - Wha-ha? I say.
- It will stimulate the oxytocin (he points to my head) - same as the pitocin we use to induce contractions
    - Uh, ok, I say.
- And can you Orgasm-uh?
    - Um, I haven't in awhile . .
- Orgasm-uh is good . . helps to dilate the cervix...

I half expected him to write it on his prescription pad "Sucks nipples and Orgasmuh"

A conversation with Dr. Ngo:

- So Ma'am (he calls me Ma'am) - you're still not dilated.
    - At all?
- Not at all. Completely closed.
    - So what can I do? Walk? Jump? Climb stairs? Eat a magical salad?**
- Those things don't really work. .
    - So what natural things CAN I do to help me dilate?
- Uh. . ahh. . . sex (he says, really haltingly) - the prostaglandins in the semen help to ripen the cervix.  . . and also. . nipple stimulation. .
    - Um, okay, thanks.

My sister Nikki found the restaurant online which claims to have a "labor-inducing salad."  It's in Studio City.  We'll either get that salad, or try to make it here at home, and I'll eat it on Friday night.  Also, I've been waddling in the mall.  I'm very heavy now - my belly hard and round, and I just discovered that I weigh 178 lbs - terrifyingly close to 2 bills!  I can't get up or sit down without an involuntary exposition of "OOF."

III.  License to Freak Out

Monday, July 9th - after several days of not sleeping well due to the extreme 100+ F heat here in the desert - I awoke AGAIN at 5am, and made a decision - to give myself full, free license to totally freak out as much as I want about labor, childbirth, etc. until Saturday morning.  In previous weeks I was fighting it - berating myself for not having better prepared, or for freaking out or crying at all.  Reading preggy books and websites with all these women's labor horror stories and whipping myself up into a fine freaked out state.  Totally losing my Optimal Mindset.

New Strategy:  To exhaust/blow out my fears and anxieties until I get totally bored of freaking out, so that when Saturday rolls around, I will be hyper-focused and serene, with all my energies and emotions at optimal levels and locked on my psychic link with with Pod.

In a conversation with Heather, I affirmed this for myself:

"There will be money, and jobs, and projects and a place to live, and solutions to all the little dilemmas and logistics
in an ordered sequence
and it's my job
to just stay MINDFUL of the moment I'm in
and execute and exist within this moment
as fully and powerfully and with as much self-awareness as I am capable of.
and all the freaking out about "what if's?" are totally unnecessary and lame
and not authentic to my true self, which I know is prescient, powerful and completely unstoppable
because *I* am the ONLY person who ever could stop me from getting what i want
so even *I* have to tell MY OWN SELF "Get on board, or get out of my way""

IV. Pod has named himself

Everyone asks if we have a name for Pod.  I knew that Pod would name himself.  And he has.  During a recent prenatal massage (wherein Pod and I have our most intimate conversations), I had a mini-dream/visualization: I was sitting, propped up, in the hospital bed, being asked to fill out Pod's birth certificate forms.  Without hesitation, I saw myself writing out a name, in my own handwriting, letter-by-letter - until I had Pod's first and middle name, ending with De Jesus-Kenefick.  It's definitely an unusual name - poetic, epic, literary - but not one that I would have thought of.  I even challenged this vision, by forcing myself to imagine writing a different name - any other name, but in the visualization the letters kept coming out the same - that original name as directed by the Pod.  He has chosen for himself, and has also requested that his name be kept secret until he is born.  I will honor his request.  Only Matt and I know the name.  When I was finished with my massage that day, I told Matt "I have news from Pod."  We had a special lunch at the little French Cafe at the Grove/Farmer's Market, where I wrote the name on a piece of paper, and handed it over to Matt to read. Matt was stunned, but as we lunched, we both were kind of spaced out, as we mulled over the fit of such a name.  We are both committed to honoring Pod's request.  My mom's reaction to this: "Yeah, right."  But I will not deviate from this vision.

V.  Thank you cards on their way out!

I only just went on official maternity leave from my full-time job, so I've finally gotten around to writing my personal thank you notes to everyone who was so kind and generous in their gifts for Pod.  We have so much stuff - and we're excited to be using all the Pod-gear!  I apologize for the delay in expressing my written gratitude, but please know that I am so blessed, grateful and appreciative of all the kind support of my wonderful friends and family. 

More to come, as I am expressing in words as freely as I expect to express milks for the Pod . . . and am thankful for all the emails, phone calls and texts.

Always with more love,

Carmen, the Incubatrix

Launch Sequence Initiated: Pod Emergence Scheduled for July 12th, 2007

So. . . uh. . . let's get this show on the road.

I've just returned from my final ultrasound, where I found out:

a) Pod is official "in position" - which means he is upside down, his still malleable skull right where it needs to be.
b) Pod is 8 lbs 7 oz ALREADY.  He will be a big baby. The ultrasound tech called him a "fatty."  I wanted to punch her.
c) If you didn't already know, Pod is confirmed as a boy. He's shy to show his face, but he's been showing off his nether proofs of maleness since 20 weeks.

What does this mean?

It means that Pod is ready, launch sequence initiated, and that he and gravity conspire for his emergence with every step I take in an upright position.

It means that I have a nearly 9 lbs bowling ball inside me, pressing down on my bladder and parts.

My sister Nikki, who is back from college in San Luis Obispo, has been driving me and accompanying me to my doctor's appointments lately. My stomach won't fit behind the wheel anymore.  We discussed the giant-ness of the Pod and how "excited" everyone is.

"It's hard for me to be excited," I said, "I'm more terrified."

"Ha ha," she said, "TEAR-ified."

I slapped her on the arm. Hard.

I'm not afraid of motherhood or raising a child.  But this giant baby, and getting him safely out of his uterus apartment without busting myself open - yes, I am tear-ified.

---

My gestational diabetes is under control, thanks to a very strict diet and constant blood sugar monitoring.  So I was able to escape having to shoot myself up with insulin - which the internist had initially told me that he was "80-90% sure" I was going to have to do.

Many thanks to Sylvie - my college roommate, friend and nutritionist - who not only helped to recommend many tasty and diabetes-friendly food choices, but who also sent me a care package of sugar-free/low-carb treats.

---

So, in 9 days or so, July 12th. ( My actual due date is July 18th, but because Pod is so big already, the doctor advised we induce labor one week early.  Which originally would have been July 11th, but he's not on call that day, so now it's July 12th)

The hospital will call me as early as 5am on July 12th to let me know when to come in.  They tell you on that day, and no sooner, what time they are ready for you.

With my packed bag of clothes, toiletries, music, etc., we will take the 5 minute drive from my mom's house to the hospital.
Park the car, close the door, heart beating fast.
Walk through the doors. Check in. Get my room, as if checking into a hotel.

Wait for the doctor. They'll start me on an IV I guess. More waiting. Maybe an enema so I don't poop the delivery table.
The doctor checks to see how dilated my cervix is.  If I'm not already well on my way (need to be 10 cm dilated I think, to deliver),
they'll "stick something inside me" to help "ripen my cervix."  Ahem.  Then we wait.

I'll make sure my eyebrows and lipstick are done.  Then have one of my sisters braid my hair.  Have my mp3 player at the ready with a continuous mix of music and meditations. Try to laugh. Record some video footage. Stay chill.

And when I am dilated enough, they start the pitocin to induce my uterine contractions.

Then that's where I hear the "Fun" begins.  The pushing, the huffing and puffing, the not pushing, the expanding, the everything that you see in the movies.

Until, until . .. . . .

The entire time my intention is to maintain psychic link with Pod, to help guide him from his safe little haven and into the light as best I can.

---

More thoughts soon. Might as well write it all out to help me cope with the anxiety. Wrangle it all into words and thoughtforms, create neural pathways of how I want the experience to be - as much as I can control is all in my own head. .

Always with more love,

Carmen - the Incubatrix

Top Five Things I am Visualizing and Invoking from the Quanta

START: Meditations upon the word OMNIFIC.

1. Healthy, robust, miraculously effortless and complication-free labor and delivery of the POD.
2. Optimally priced (between $1500-$2000/month), safe neighborhood, cat-friendly 2 bedroom home on the West Side of Los Angeles with parking, lots of light and space, friendly vibe and ready to move in anytime between July 15th and August 1st, 2007.
3. Optimally priced, fuel-efficient, safe family vehicle that will fit all of Pod's gear for lease or purchase by October 1st in blue or white.
4. Expedient healing and post-partum recovery and improved fitness and reestablishment of athletic fighting weight (goal 125 lbs)  by January 2008.
5. Lucrative surprise gigs in a) voice-over/narration, b) productivity workshop, c) writing and d) consulting by September 2007.

These things have already been fulfilled, beautifully, and I claim them as mine.  I remain patient and open and ready to receive each opportunity that leads me directly or indirectly to their physical manifestation, according to the sequence of ordered events that is Time.

Thank you.

This New Moon in Gemini and Incubatrix Reports: SHOUTS OUT

Tonight is a new moon.

This is the New Moon for all of us to reclaim our mental space; to set limits on what gets our attention, and to carefully examine how our current diet of information is affecting our lives.

This is the right New Moon to communicate your wishes, dreams and desires to those who can aid your progress. The truth is, no one does it completely alone and learning to ask for help at the right time is one of life's hardest lessons. Over the next two weeks as the Moon waxes to fullness, try to really hear what those around you have to say about your wishes, and take their advice to heart. Honest and clear communication is a two-way street and the best way to achieve a successful outcome for all.

Of course for those of you who make your living in the communications/publishing field, this is the best time to initiate new projects in film, video, TV, publishing, and writing. Deal with your fear and just get the work out there!

One last thing, Gemini rules change. This is the best night to work on managing your fear of change. Everything changes; it is the nature of Maya, the field of relativity. When we ride the changes and make surfing the waves of change a vehicle for success, we actualize the highest expression of Gemini. This is the New Moon to celebrate the power knowledge holds to broaden our perspective and open our minds!

A glut of news, in the context of gratitude:

News from the Incubatrix:

1. According to my doctor's visit today, the Pod will emerge on July 11th. He is already very big, and the doctor wants to induce him a week early.

Thank You for the safe, elegant, healthy labor and delivery of my baby son.  Thank you, Little Pod, for choosing me to birth and guide you into the world.

2. I've been diagnosed with gestational diabetes, and will being shooting myself up with insulin twice a day start next week, for the remainder of my pregnancy.  I now monitor my blood sugar levels 4x/day and follow a diabetic's diet, with much thanks to my college roommate/nutritionist, Sylvie Nalezny.
My decreased ability to produce enough insulin for me and Pod has left him working hard to process all my excess glucose, and as a result, he's gotten bigger faster.

Thank you for modern medicine, and the restabilized health that is already mine. I call upon my cells to recall their state of perfect balance, and adjust and restore optimal health for me and my baby.

3. My liver and kidney tests returned normal results.

Thank you liver. Thank you kidneys. For doing what you do.

4. I was fortunate enough to be thrown THREE baby showers.  Everyone wants to party with the Pod!  I had a lovely shower/lunch thrown for me by Ms. Jenn at work, another LA-based shower thrown for for me by my lovely almost-10 years as friends favorite RedHead Beth Manning, and a San Francisco-based baby shower thrown for me by my dear friend and professional caterer, Idit Oz.  Packages from Amazon never cease, and I've received almost everything on my Baby Registry from loving and supportive friends.  It's pretty amazing, and I am so blessed by everyone's generosity.  I will have to lay everything we received out in the living room, Price-is-Right showcase style.  My deepest thanks to these lovely ladies who took such time, care, effort and thoughtfulness to bring people together to celebrate Pod's emergence.

Thank you Jonathan, Scotty, Courtenay, Trattner, Feaver.
Thank you Ms. Jenn, Xenia, Elina, Melisa, Jen T, Jennifer M, Perrin, Fader, and MT.
Thank you Beth, Michael, Shirley, Mama, Toni, Zandi, Nikki, Tin, Cherry, Danielle, Kuya Marc, Susanna, Charmaine, Art, Cindy, Myke, Peter, Heather, Luz, Liani and Gregory.
Thank you Idit, Sylvie, Meagan, John, Jeremy and Melisa, Chris/Leo, Miri and Matt, Charmaine, Jim and Lori.

Thank you family. Thank you, Podfather. Thank you.

5. I am still Jabba the Hutt. I wish I could have a prenatal massage every day.  I have been yearning for a mojito, a nice pinot noir, a new corset, high heel shoes, and now even yearning for foods which I definitely cannot eat on my new diet.

Thank You for the food I have available to me, the little luxuries, and the avail/ability to drink milks whenever my Pod needs it.

6. Still no name for our Baby Pod. He *has* whispered a secret name to me, but I won't share it. I have to see if it matches his face. The photos here are from Pod's 4d-ultrasound.

Thank you for your whispers, Pod.

Tonight with the new moon I will shift my focus, the majority of it - to my health and supporting the health and graceful guidance and labor of the Pod's Emergence.

Tonight with the new moon I allow all wonderful ideas which have been gestating within me to be induced and and birthed by me, in a torrent of flowing creativity.

Tonight I visualize and claim the discovery and securing of the optimal place for our little family to live; the robust health and well-being of my son, my husband, myself and my family; continued progress and delightfully lucrative opportunities to use my skills and talents to support my family; an easy recovery.  To all these visions I invest breaths of my own lifeforce and pluck these strings from the infinite quanta. I make space, give thanks, and hold steadfast and unshakeable faith that as I imagine, meditate, pray and invoke, that these things must be so, because I WILL it, I WISH it, I SEE it, IT IS.

Optimal Mindset versus 3rd Trimester Preggy Hormones: FIGHT!

About 8 weeks to go until Pod's arrival.  The pregnancy has been going fairly well, except that I may have developed gestational diabetes.  More blood tests this coming week.  Most people who've been around me say that I'm pretty "normal" and surprisingly even-keeled, even immune to a lot of work-related stresses. 

But I've been feeling a little low these past 2 wks or so.  Feeling the waves of hormones and crying jags. Spacing out and filling the "space-outs" with anxieties.  I feel so slow, heavy and torpid. Stuck. Trapped. Immobilized by my own weight.  Sometimes I'll do "kick-counts" of Pod's movements.  Sometimes he can move/kick/turn about 100 times in 10 minutes.  It exhausts me.

So I've been crankier, and sleeping extra, and not going out anywhere at all, which in turn makes me feel cagey and cabin fevered and lame.  I've also been having yucky thoughts.

Normally I don't allow myself to focus on dissatisfactions or self-destructive thoughts, especially because I do believe that "what you focus on, grows," and if I allow myself to focus on feeling trapped and dissatisfied I can work myself into a fine state in my own mind, and end up mad and crying and feeling frustrated and desperate.

When this happens I do try my best to self-regulate.  I start a litany of "Thank you's" - counting my blessings and focusing on being content, alive, blessed and safe, forcing my gaze to the sky and breathing deeply to dissolve the incipient dark knots of clouds brewing in the scowl across my forehead.  I try, I try, I am blessed, I am cared for, everything happens as it should, I am blessed, thank you for my life, thank you for my healthy baby, thank you for my family, thank you for my job, thank you for my husband, I am grateful and thankful and blessed for my friends, for all my support and the people I can count on for love and care. . . I try, I try.

I've even succumbed lately to naming my feelings, which I try to avoid doing because in naming feelings I buy into their materialized existence.  I've been talking about feeling "fragile" and  "tender" and "anxious" - and those words trigger certain physiological and psychological reactions within me.  Although I know full well that I create my own state, I've not been able to help these feelings lately, which only makes me criticize my own self for knowing better and yet letting my own self-control slip. 

At least payday is coming round again, I will be able to treat myself to a sorely needed prenatal massage, a manicure/pedicure, maybe a facial.  I've been working too hard on all fronts, just for survival, just to keep my mind active even as I feel my body has been hijacked.  And there are a few lovely Pod-centric baby celebrations upcoming.  That will cheer me even as this home stretch taxes me with it's hormonal roller coaster, physical and emotional demands.