Each Day R/Evolution

Striving for Gracious Change - Parting Ways

For anyone who has ever had to part ways with a loved one, an open letter shared, but meant for one.

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We are both experts in recapitulation and crafting the optimal story to express our understanding of a situation.  That is how we move forward in life.  Rationalizations and Understanding Why - we pursue these things to give closure, to justify and accept change. 

At the very Meta, for the infinite myriad of trajectories that has now opened up for us both, this parting is a Gift.

We got to know what it was like to experience a relationship with an equally awakened and powerful partner.  We saw elements of ourselves in each other that reflected aspects we liked to or needed to see. We have derived valuable learning and experienced growth during the tenure of our relationship.  In any relationship, romantic, business or friendship - there are depths of trust, intimacy and love that can be achieved.  And I think we did pretty well.  This is why I do not hold any part of my relationship with you as a disappointment or betrayal.  Those are heavy things to hold. A drag coefficient.  I know we have been blessings to one another.  But its time to invest my energies elsewhere.

We just couldn't keep moving forward, because our mutual paths are at a necessary point of divergence.  Our next level must be something we haven't been able to see or grasp because we have become too clouded with the vision we have been trying to force. This is the sign to let go, say thank you, bless you, and then turn your head to other visions, with full knowledge of my unspoken acknowledgement of my confidence, love and support of you, even as I move in a different direction. In my opinion, which of course you may or may not share, anything less than accepting this basic and encompassing truth, is an interpretation lacking in enlightenment or true compassion.  Unconditional love is based upon this understanding.

Mutually arising, and always with more love, because love is abundant and compassion is infinite.

Carmen

Post-Midnight Litanies summon the earthquake

Feeling the strain and the pressure of multiple responsibilities.  Make me a diamond, pressure.

Just now, as I was awake at 1.30am-ish, I began to break down - the tears flowing out of the cracks in my tightly bound shell.  Too focused on "How." I forget.  Do not focus on how. Focus on the intention, big, bright and clear.  Nothing can penetrate the laser focus trajectory of a well defined intention.

Desert winds blow strong outside. I hold the baby in my arms. The Podfather is away from us tonight.  So tired, so much data whirling in my mind, the hierarchy of my priorities holding fast even through the maelstrom of competing desires and demands from the outside world.

The reset begins, the litany - wherein I rock and sway, the prayers of thanks and humble acknowledgement of the generous, compassionate and abundant blessings bestowed upon my life.

Thank you for my son and his perfect health. Thank you for my mate and his love. Thank you for my beautiful family and their support. Thank you for the love, support, guidance and protection of my loyal friends. Thank you for my purpose and the opportunities to fulfill it. Thank you for the experiences that have helped me to build the strength I need to approach my life with courage and resolve.

I let the gratitude and the abundance flow through me until I feel cleared of shadow, until my consciousness is filled with the feelings of blessings, fortune, grace.

Focus my intentions. Align my values and my priorities with planned action. Set determination.  Breathe in strength. Exhale tension.

The earthquake came and went, during this ritual.

Words to calm. Words to create worlds. Words to soothe. Words to build bridges. Words to set boundaries. Words to express love. Words to summon. Words to invoke. Words to broadcast and bind intention. Words to cut through conspiracy.  The power of words, the power of the tongue. Words to say thank you. Words to mark and manifest from the quanta. Words to order chaos. Words to prompt and expose.

I sequence my words to reflect the sequence of events I desire. 

I remember who and what I am, and give thanks for all my Selves.

Breaking down and finding purpose

Today I broke down. It is painful to my ego to admit that I might be suffering from some kind of post-partum depression. But I have been a self-diagnosed "dopamine junkie" since 1999 - and I just realized that I am so Pod-focused, so depleted in energy, that I have no source of dopamine-production stimuli anymore.

The ego leads me back to thoughts of pleasure. Where are my selfish pleasures now? I have no pleasures of the body anymore, and when I even meditate too long on the lack of pleasure my only release is weeping.  I weep as Phoenix cries.  It is my only physical release and one of my only selfish acts these days - the mourning of my "old life," my freedoms, my mobility, my pleasures.

Ah, but there is the trap again - the backward glances, the focus on the lack.  My friend Myke today reminded me that I should be creative, and not just online - but something physical, tangible.  I could argue that I've just produced the most exhaustive and complete creation of my life.  But he is right.  It is imperative that somehow I muster enough energy and focus to be generative. Not just thinking of business/money - but artistically generative.  This is critical to my soul, and to the nurturing of my Pod.

I've been worried about what effect this maternity sabbatical and shift in priorities is having on my career.  I am anxious about how I will manage to return to full-time work focus mode and raise my Pod.  How can my career advance if I can't take client meetings, or if I can't work overtime on innovating solutions?

I look at my tiny son, whose connection to the infinite was so reassuring when he was in my womb. I search his eyes and open my port, willing him to open up our telepathic link and send me glimpses of the future.

"How is this all supposed to work?  How do I make it work?  How do I find ease and balance in this newest level of responsibility and consciousness?"

He stares back. Clear grey eyes. Smiles, wiggles, looks around, distracted by the light. Pouts. Furrows tiny brows and grunts. 
I weep as he watches and listens to me.  The lyrics to "This Woman's Work" loop in my head, triggering fresh onslaughts of tears. . .

"I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't."

No time for thoughts of self. Self-care limited to that which is for the sake of the Pod - keeping my energy up, keeping my milk production up, having just enough patience to respond as much as possible to his needs with gentleness, sweetness, nurturing - because that is what he deserves.  No time for thoughts of romance. Fresh tears. Dark, unenlightened, sub-optimal word forms and thoughts conspire with sleep deprivation and materialize resentments for which there are no cures nor justifications. I aim to just let the thoughts pass, flow through me, letting them pass.

Dining out on memories now. The dopamine junkie in me is starved, begins to loop back to old memories, if only to squeeze out any leftover chemical reaction to soothe myself.  Then I berate myself for looking back. Then I berate myself for berating myself.  Then I breathe and jolt myself back into the present moment. Must be present in the moment, musn't miss a precious minute of these early days of Pod's life . . . slipping away like wax melting off a candle . . .

I rock Phoenix in my arms, he quiets, I keep crying, a spontaneous force-restart litany of offering/acknowledging abundance. . . my litany of Thank You's -
Thank you for my healthy perfect son, thank you for my health and recovery, thank you for all the love that I am given, for friends, for family. Thank you for the sentience, thank you for this life, thank you for all the challenges which are so minor in comparison to the lives of those less fortunate, thank you that I have food for myself and can provide shelter and milk for my son, thank you for all my needs which are provided for. Thank you for my son's life and purpose. Thank you for my life. Thank you for my purpose, my purpose, my purpose. . . .

My purpose is not to satisfy my ego and its to fall into its traps of comparative successes.  My purpose is not to be a career oriented over achiever, or even to be acknowledged or lauded for my achievements. 
My purpose is the transformation and utmost evolution of my soul and awareness, to live with optimal energetic balance to give and receive love, to transcend the traps of the ego by living simply but with maximum sentience, to use my intellect, experience, compassion, skills and interpersonal intuitions to provide for my survival and the survival of my child primarily, and for the support and betterment of my loved ones/mutual arising, secondarily.

As an individual human on this planet, in this life, this is my purpose.

Spacing Out and Going Under Deep Cover - The Final Countdown Friday the 13th

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to the hospital tomorrow. I will not have any wireless/internet access as of tomorrow morning - and hopefully/probably will not be checking my email again until sometime on Monday or next week, AFTER I give birth.

The Pod has been very restless is my tummy these past few days, moving and stretching within me nonstop.  I've been packing my maternity bag, cleaning up my room a little, washing all the little Pod-clothes, hats, booties and blankets, and trying to stay cool, stay preoccupied, take lots of naps, and remain fairly "normal."

But today is the last day of Podlessness, if he cooperates with the medical procedures tomorrow, which are designed to coax him from his safe uterus apartment, where he has been growing and doing his womb-kata, giving me all sorts of psychic advice thanks to his uplink to the infinite (which incidentally I believe will be curtailed to a certain degree to give his spirit the opportunity to rediscover the wonders of life after he is born "into the light"), where he has been thriving on my nutrients and preparing himself.

Today I send my final emails, return some phone calls, and begin my self-created ritual of preparation.  While I am not a Scientologist, I do appreciate the intention behind their theories of silent birth - and will be enforcing a radio silence within myself starting tomorrow morning, communicating very little except with those directly present around me - so I can focus all my energies and thoughts on guiding, directing, reassuring and invoking my little Pod into this world with calm confidence and supreme grace.

The #1 question I've been asked - "Are you ready?"  I can't even begin to answer that with full honesty.  I could answer with halting bewilderment - or with a Zen-koan type riddle about "What is Readiness?" or "Ready or Not, Pod is coming." I could give a less-than-confident answer about how I could be more ready - if I had taken childbirth classes like Lamaze or something, and if I had been one of those "I'm thoroughly researching every possible procedure so I can be a fully medically informed person"-type of new mothers.

But here is the reality of my "readiness" as of this moment:

1) My maternity bag is very nearly finished being packed.
2) I still have bits of laundry and cleaning in preparation for bringing Pod home
3) I'm already pre-registered at the hospital, and will just be waiting for the call from Labor & Delivery at the Antelope Valley Women & Infants Pavilion - which can come as early as 5am tomorrow morning - when they will let me know what time I can come in to begin the induction procedures.
4) I have done a bit of research and will be printing out a "short list" of labor-inducing acupressure points, etc. to bring with me to assist in the process tomorrow.
5) Yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble and Matt bought me a lovely leather journal and some magazines for the hospital
6) Today, my agenda consists of:
    a) getting the car a tune-up (for Pod-safety)
    b) buying some extra mini-DV tapes for the camcorder
    c) recording my self-Hypno Birthing script and music playlist to my mp3 player
    d) mailing some Thank You cards (already overdue!)
    e) bits of Pod-laundry and room-prep
    f) 1pm final prenatal massage
    g) manicure/pedicure (if I can fit it in)
    h) eating the magical labor-inducing salad that my mom will pick up for me when she goes into LA tonight
    i) trying to take lots of naps and conserve energy in this heat for tomorrow's marathon
    j) wrap-up updates and final communications before radio silence begins at midnight tonight

7) I've reviewed and considered a "birth plan" which is one of those long forms you can put together for yourself that makes all your medical decisions in advance in case anything happens.  Since I don't have a doula/midwife, and neither my mother nor my husband can speak for me (because of my autonomous, Aquarian nature) - I've made some decisions for my own self and have them at the ready.

All my skills of visualization, focus, concentration, relaxation, manifestation, will be at their height today and tomorrow - my training, my experience in Optimal Mindset put to the test.  All "pain" will be reframed as "pressure and sensation" and I will focus on communion with Pod as well as every cell in my body, for optimal balance of health, for skin elasticity and expansion, for summoning  and surrendering to the unconscious collective and infinite knowledge of the human body to perform the task of bringing new life into the world. 

Tonight I will prepare, as I have been preparing, like a professional athlete about to run a race - visualizing each step, from preparation, to the starting line, through the course - seeing myself maintain balance, poise, stamina, and solid lock focus throughout every possible weather - all the way through to the finish line.  Seeing myself through to completion with grace, ease, strength and even through minimal need for recovery time.  Until I can see myself, and be in the real moment where Pod is pressed to my breast and I can look at my baby son and know in my deepest heart what my life, my purpose and my evolution is really about. All other definitions of myself, identities, goals and priorities - I surrender and suspend today - in preparation for this transmutation.  I give thanks and open my heart to receive all the love thoughts, well wishes, positive vibrations and support from you, my friends and family, and give you these words to share my life and honest experience and thoughts, because my purpose on this earth is to be a conduit of love and maximum sentience.

FINAL FAQs

1. I've called you and left a voicemail, when are you going to call me back?
I'm sorry I haven't returned all voicemails.  I've been spaced out. If I don't call you back today, then I will call you when I get home from the hospital - whenever that is.

2. I've emailed you in response to your updates, are you going to email me back?
I'm going to try to return all individual emails today.

3. When can I visit you and the Pod?
If you want to drive to Lancaster on Sunday - hopefully Pod will be here by then - you can come and visit us in the hospital.  If not, I'll be here at my mom's house with Pod for the next 6 weeks, and you are welcome to visit us anytime. I'll be on maternity leave for 6 weeks. I don't expect we will be doing any traveling ( to San Francisco, etc. ) until perhaps sometime after Labor Day.

4. How can I be notified if I want to know how everything goes tomorrow?
You can call/text my husband or my sister, Nikki - please email me if you want the #s.

5. I'm so curious about Pod's name being revealed when he is born - when/how will you announce it?
I may send a "blog post from my phone" to my blog - so you can check it here.

6.  Until what time tonight will you be checking emails/taking calls?
I will be checking emails until midnight-ish, taking calls until about 9ish.

7.  After the Pod is born, will you be less available to me - is it selfish of me to want to talk to you about what's going on in my life?
Understandably, my main focus will be the Pod and my family.  It isn't selfish to talk about your life, and because my loved ones are extremely important to me, I will ALWAYS want to know what's going on, give you support, encouragement, commiseration and help where and when I can.  If you really need me, don't leave me out, I have more love than ever now and have plenty to share.

Pod is clamoring for breakfast. I need to start this day.  I can't get that dumbass "It's the FINAL COUNTDOWN" song out of my head because it's on an infomercial I see all the time, and because Beth had to sing it into my voicemail the other day.  I need to get another song in my head - something marathon appropriate - "Eye of the Tiger"-ish -- any suggestions would be welcome, as would any mp3s you would like to send for me to include in my "Childbirth/Labor Mp3 Megamix" that I'm putting together.

Always, always with more gratitude and more love,

Carmen - The Incubatrix

P.S. - Final FAQ

8.  What were you thinking about when you were planning out the "creation of your childbirth experience?
See list below for the questions I asked myself:

How to Create the Childbirth Experience I want

OPTIMAL GOAL
1. What kind of childbirth experience do I want for myself? What do I want it to be for my Pod?

LIMITING BELIEF TO BE RELEASED
2.  What image needs to be fully replaced with a more optimal visualization preparation? What do I fear right now?

STRATEGY
3. What next actions can I take to prepare this experience?

TEAM BUILDING AND DELEGATION
4. Who are the resources I need to call on and what tasks/responsibilities do I need to assign/outsource?

FOCUS
5. What thoughts/visions/mantras should I focus on before, during and after the induction/childbirth process?

This New Moon in Gemini and Incubatrix Reports: SHOUTS OUT

Tonight is a new moon.

This is the New Moon for all of us to reclaim our mental space; to set limits on what gets our attention, and to carefully examine how our current diet of information is affecting our lives.

This is the right New Moon to communicate your wishes, dreams and desires to those who can aid your progress. The truth is, no one does it completely alone and learning to ask for help at the right time is one of life's hardest lessons. Over the next two weeks as the Moon waxes to fullness, try to really hear what those around you have to say about your wishes, and take their advice to heart. Honest and clear communication is a two-way street and the best way to achieve a successful outcome for all.

Of course for those of you who make your living in the communications/publishing field, this is the best time to initiate new projects in film, video, TV, publishing, and writing. Deal with your fear and just get the work out there!

One last thing, Gemini rules change. This is the best night to work on managing your fear of change. Everything changes; it is the nature of Maya, the field of relativity. When we ride the changes and make surfing the waves of change a vehicle for success, we actualize the highest expression of Gemini. This is the New Moon to celebrate the power knowledge holds to broaden our perspective and open our minds!

A glut of news, in the context of gratitude:

News from the Incubatrix:

1. According to my doctor's visit today, the Pod will emerge on July 11th. He is already very big, and the doctor wants to induce him a week early.

Thank You for the safe, elegant, healthy labor and delivery of my baby son.  Thank you, Little Pod, for choosing me to birth and guide you into the world.

2. I've been diagnosed with gestational diabetes, and will being shooting myself up with insulin twice a day start next week, for the remainder of my pregnancy.  I now monitor my blood sugar levels 4x/day and follow a diabetic's diet, with much thanks to my college roommate/nutritionist, Sylvie Nalezny.
My decreased ability to produce enough insulin for me and Pod has left him working hard to process all my excess glucose, and as a result, he's gotten bigger faster.

Thank you for modern medicine, and the restabilized health that is already mine. I call upon my cells to recall their state of perfect balance, and adjust and restore optimal health for me and my baby.

3. My liver and kidney tests returned normal results.

Thank you liver. Thank you kidneys. For doing what you do.

4. I was fortunate enough to be thrown THREE baby showers.  Everyone wants to party with the Pod!  I had a lovely shower/lunch thrown for me by Ms. Jenn at work, another LA-based shower thrown for for me by my lovely almost-10 years as friends favorite RedHead Beth Manning, and a San Francisco-based baby shower thrown for me by my dear friend and professional caterer, Idit Oz.  Packages from Amazon never cease, and I've received almost everything on my Baby Registry from loving and supportive friends.  It's pretty amazing, and I am so blessed by everyone's generosity.  I will have to lay everything we received out in the living room, Price-is-Right showcase style.  My deepest thanks to these lovely ladies who took such time, care, effort and thoughtfulness to bring people together to celebrate Pod's emergence.

Thank you Jonathan, Scotty, Courtenay, Trattner, Feaver.
Thank you Ms. Jenn, Xenia, Elina, Melisa, Jen T, Jennifer M, Perrin, Fader, and MT.
Thank you Beth, Michael, Shirley, Mama, Toni, Zandi, Nikki, Tin, Cherry, Danielle, Kuya Marc, Susanna, Charmaine, Art, Cindy, Myke, Peter, Heather, Luz, Liani and Gregory.
Thank you Idit, Sylvie, Meagan, John, Jeremy and Melisa, Chris/Leo, Miri and Matt, Charmaine, Jim and Lori.

Thank you family. Thank you, Podfather. Thank you.

5. I am still Jabba the Hutt. I wish I could have a prenatal massage every day.  I have been yearning for a mojito, a nice pinot noir, a new corset, high heel shoes, and now even yearning for foods which I definitely cannot eat on my new diet.

Thank You for the food I have available to me, the little luxuries, and the avail/ability to drink milks whenever my Pod needs it.

6. Still no name for our Baby Pod. He *has* whispered a secret name to me, but I won't share it. I have to see if it matches his face. The photos here are from Pod's 4d-ultrasound.

Thank you for your whispers, Pod.

Tonight with the new moon I will shift my focus, the majority of it - to my health and supporting the health and graceful guidance and labor of the Pod's Emergence.

Tonight with the new moon I allow all wonderful ideas which have been gestating within me to be induced and and birthed by me, in a torrent of flowing creativity.

Tonight I visualize and claim the discovery and securing of the optimal place for our little family to live; the robust health and well-being of my son, my husband, myself and my family; continued progress and delightfully lucrative opportunities to use my skills and talents to support my family; an easy recovery.  To all these visions I invest breaths of my own lifeforce and pluck these strings from the infinite quanta. I make space, give thanks, and hold steadfast and unshakeable faith that as I imagine, meditate, pray and invoke, that these things must be so, because I WILL it, I WISH it, I SEE it, IT IS.

Optimal Mindset versus 3rd Trimester Preggy Hormones: FIGHT!

About 8 weeks to go until Pod's arrival.  The pregnancy has been going fairly well, except that I may have developed gestational diabetes.  More blood tests this coming week.  Most people who've been around me say that I'm pretty "normal" and surprisingly even-keeled, even immune to a lot of work-related stresses. 

But I've been feeling a little low these past 2 wks or so.  Feeling the waves of hormones and crying jags. Spacing out and filling the "space-outs" with anxieties.  I feel so slow, heavy and torpid. Stuck. Trapped. Immobilized by my own weight.  Sometimes I'll do "kick-counts" of Pod's movements.  Sometimes he can move/kick/turn about 100 times in 10 minutes.  It exhausts me.

So I've been crankier, and sleeping extra, and not going out anywhere at all, which in turn makes me feel cagey and cabin fevered and lame.  I've also been having yucky thoughts.

Normally I don't allow myself to focus on dissatisfactions or self-destructive thoughts, especially because I do believe that "what you focus on, grows," and if I allow myself to focus on feeling trapped and dissatisfied I can work myself into a fine state in my own mind, and end up mad and crying and feeling frustrated and desperate.

When this happens I do try my best to self-regulate.  I start a litany of "Thank you's" - counting my blessings and focusing on being content, alive, blessed and safe, forcing my gaze to the sky and breathing deeply to dissolve the incipient dark knots of clouds brewing in the scowl across my forehead.  I try, I try, I am blessed, I am cared for, everything happens as it should, I am blessed, thank you for my life, thank you for my healthy baby, thank you for my family, thank you for my job, thank you for my husband, I am grateful and thankful and blessed for my friends, for all my support and the people I can count on for love and care. . . I try, I try.

I've even succumbed lately to naming my feelings, which I try to avoid doing because in naming feelings I buy into their materialized existence.  I've been talking about feeling "fragile" and  "tender" and "anxious" - and those words trigger certain physiological and psychological reactions within me.  Although I know full well that I create my own state, I've not been able to help these feelings lately, which only makes me criticize my own self for knowing better and yet letting my own self-control slip. 

At least payday is coming round again, I will be able to treat myself to a sorely needed prenatal massage, a manicure/pedicure, maybe a facial.  I've been working too hard on all fronts, just for survival, just to keep my mind active even as I feel my body has been hijacked.  And there are a few lovely Pod-centric baby celebrations upcoming.  That will cheer me even as this home stretch taxes me with it's hormonal roller coaster, physical and emotional demands.

An Aquarian and Her Ego: A Devotional Offering

It's my time again, my Aquarian season, the time of year I emerge from my reclusive cocoon and invite the world to notice me. I allow myself to be celebrated, without shame or false humility.
As I embark on my 32nd year, I feel more accomplished, more grounded, more powerful, more grateful and more keenly aware of my purpose and my effect on the world around me.

I begin with gratitude. Gratitude to wrestle the black "you're getting older" birthday clouds that always encroach.

I stop. I breathe in, and I am flooded with poignant, joyful gratitude as I think of the many blessings that fill my life:

For my wonderful family: 

My dear Papa, and all the strength he passed to me, all the gifts that are yet manifesting themselves in me as I grow. I thank him for the peace and forgiveness that he and I were able to share before he died.  After a lifetime of rage, hurt, violence and resentment, I hold only love, joy and peace in my heart when I summon his memory.

For my Mama - a woman of strength, courage, compassion, generosity, and selflessness, who never seems to run out of love to give to a new adopted member of the family, whose work ethic and faith is a model for all her daughters, who laughs, sings, and enjoys the gifts of life even while working 3 jobs to support her family and even her extended family, as a single mother.

For my beautiful Sisters; for the unique relationships I share with each of them; for our mutual commitments to unconditional support, understanding and love; for the talents we share and express; for the times of silly girlish joys and the deepest compassion throughout life's trials, however big or small.  With my Sisters, there is no trivialization of hurts, but there is also no yielding to weakness, because our collective strength, outlook and faith never fails to buoy the spirit.

For my grandparents, for their lifetime of patience, hard work, devotion and love, and all they wish to pass on to us, but sometimes never get the chance.

For my aunts and uncles, for being family, for being human, for being collective parents to me when I need them to be.

For my cousins, who are as close to me as brothers and sisters - for their mutual commitment to defining what family means to our generation - unconditional love, support, no judgement, honesty, generosity, helpfulness, encouragement, fun, integrity and mutual appreciation.

For my husband - my patient, passionate, loving partner, my One. I searched all my life for you, and in the end, had to import you from overseas.  Thank you Internet!
Our magnificent collaboration will be born this year, and beyond all other accomplishments, I know this is the true purpose of my life - the family I build with you.

For my true friends, those I've known for years, those new to my life.  Thank you for your existence, for being human with me, for supporting me through black clouds, grief, despair, discouragement, and for helping to lift my gaze always up towards the promise of better days.  Thank you for never letting me fall. Thank you for letting me be small and weak even when it's so hard for me to admit that I don't always know what to do.  Thank you for listening, for sharing, for celebrating, for encouraging me, for sharing sidelooks as we walk along together, on parallel trajectories of personal evolution.

For my clients and students - thank you for choosing me.  Thank you for honoring me with your challenges, secrets, trials, triumphs and exposing your lives to me, so that I may be used for healing, for teaching, for learning, and for growing.  I am blessed for being chosen as an instrument, if only just for a few hours of cumulative contact, and I am quickened, inspired and enriched by the flow of energy between us. 

I am blessed by multiverses of love. I am blessed by divine forces that created me and all things to be vessels of giving and receiving love. 

FINALLY - IMDB ME!

FINALLY! My credit is up and I have officially entered the world of IMDB as a screenwriter.


I can finally say "IMDB me."

Writing as a Career

In Los Angeles, everyone's a writer. Everyone's got a screenplay they're writing, or have written, or want to "get in front of" an agent or director, etc. So when I meet writers who actually make their living by writing - on a regular basis - and do nothing else but write as a profession, I regard them with a lot of respect.  A respect I work to earn from other writers, as I make my move from dilettante to full-fledged professional scribe.

I've been a blogger, online journalist, contributor to several collaborative weblogs over the years, but so far, 2006 has been the year where my writings turned pro.

• My colleague, Heather, offered me an opportunity to be a paid blogger on the blog, Dailymantra.com

• I co-wrote the screenplay for the film Ang Pamana - The Inheritance, (you can see my name on the bottom right hand corner of the movie poster!) which had it's world premiere at the Hawaiian International Film Festival last month, and which opens nationwide in the Philippines this month.
• Check out our review for the film in Variety - wooo! Not bad for our first film, and my first shot at ever writing a screenplay.
• My article: Seven Reasons Why You Should Be Singing - appeared in the new San Francisco periodical The Messenger, Independent Arts & Media's quarterly magazine.
• I was interviewed by author/screenwriter John Scott Lewinski for an article that appears in the November 2006 issue of Scr(i)pt Magazine, for my work on mobile content and mobisodes.

Recently, I attended AFM, or American Film Market, in Santa Monica. Here's how AFM describes itself:

Over 8,000 industry leaders converge in Santa Monica for eight days of deal-making, screenings, seminars, red carpet premieres, networking and parties. Participants come from over 70 countries and include acquisition and development executives, agents, attorneys, directors, distributors, festival directors, financiers, film commissioners, producers, writers, the world’s press all those who provide services to the motion picture industry.

Here's my description:

AFM:  8 floors of the Loews Hotel in Santa Monica, 4 floors of the adjacent Le Merigot Hotel. Each floor with open doors to suites and rooms full of movie posters, light snacks, movie one-sheets and men and women in suits, all looking to buy or sell the latest crop of films from all over the world.

As a first-time screenwriter, I've got ideas scratching the inside of my head for new films I can write. A ton of zany ideas of "movies I'd like to watch."  But ah, at the AFM, I was confronted with the sometimes bleak reality that filmmaking is really more about financing and distribution than it is the film as art.  Feature films are products, like toys, and as I walked around and listened to the conversations of the suits, inevitably the formulas began to emerge.  Proven formulaic storyline + well-conditioned visible target market + a few attached "big name" talents =  Guaranteed Financial Backing.  Financial Backing + Good Creative Team (director, dir. of photography, kickass line producer, sfx, etc.) = Quality Production Value.  Production Value + Good Marketing Team + Good Distribution Team/Strategy = Hit Movie.

Am I missing something?  Although AFM was a bit of a vibekill to my creative spirit, thankfully, the marketing/advertising side of me appreciated the rather pragmatic approach to filmmaking.

However, these teams can't even get started without the creative vision. Creative visions begin with the writers.  Hooray for writers, hail to the scribes, who create entire Universes where only a blank page or a blank screen once were.

Thank you for everyone who has encouraged, supported, recognized, facilitated and helped to guide me in my endeavours as a writer.  Why wait until I've got my Oscar to thank you?  You know who you are. Bless you.