Each Day R/Evolution

Striving for Gracious Change - Parting Ways

For anyone who has ever had to part ways with a loved one, an open letter shared, but meant for one.

---

We are both experts in recapitulation and crafting the optimal story to express our understanding of a situation.  That is how we move forward in life.  Rationalizations and Understanding Why - we pursue these things to give closure, to justify and accept change. 

At the very Meta, for the infinite myriad of trajectories that has now opened up for us both, this parting is a Gift.

We got to know what it was like to experience a relationship with an equally awakened and powerful partner.  We saw elements of ourselves in each other that reflected aspects we liked to or needed to see. We have derived valuable learning and experienced growth during the tenure of our relationship.  In any relationship, romantic, business or friendship - there are depths of trust, intimacy and love that can be achieved.  And I think we did pretty well.  This is why I do not hold any part of my relationship with you as a disappointment or betrayal.  Those are heavy things to hold. A drag coefficient.  I know we have been blessings to one another.  But its time to invest my energies elsewhere.

We just couldn't keep moving forward, because our mutual paths are at a necessary point of divergence.  Our next level must be something we haven't been able to see or grasp because we have become too clouded with the vision we have been trying to force. This is the sign to let go, say thank you, bless you, and then turn your head to other visions, with full knowledge of my unspoken acknowledgement of my confidence, love and support of you, even as I move in a different direction. In my opinion, which of course you may or may not share, anything less than accepting this basic and encompassing truth, is an interpretation lacking in enlightenment or true compassion.  Unconditional love is based upon this understanding.

Mutually arising, and always with more love, because love is abundant and compassion is infinite.

Carmen

Spacing Out and Going Under Deep Cover - The Final Countdown Friday the 13th

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to the hospital tomorrow. I will not have any wireless/internet access as of tomorrow morning - and hopefully/probably will not be checking my email again until sometime on Monday or next week, AFTER I give birth.

The Pod has been very restless is my tummy these past few days, moving and stretching within me nonstop.  I've been packing my maternity bag, cleaning up my room a little, washing all the little Pod-clothes, hats, booties and blankets, and trying to stay cool, stay preoccupied, take lots of naps, and remain fairly "normal."

But today is the last day of Podlessness, if he cooperates with the medical procedures tomorrow, which are designed to coax him from his safe uterus apartment, where he has been growing and doing his womb-kata, giving me all sorts of psychic advice thanks to his uplink to the infinite (which incidentally I believe will be curtailed to a certain degree to give his spirit the opportunity to rediscover the wonders of life after he is born "into the light"), where he has been thriving on my nutrients and preparing himself.

Today I send my final emails, return some phone calls, and begin my self-created ritual of preparation.  While I am not a Scientologist, I do appreciate the intention behind their theories of silent birth - and will be enforcing a radio silence within myself starting tomorrow morning, communicating very little except with those directly present around me - so I can focus all my energies and thoughts on guiding, directing, reassuring and invoking my little Pod into this world with calm confidence and supreme grace.

The #1 question I've been asked - "Are you ready?"  I can't even begin to answer that with full honesty.  I could answer with halting bewilderment - or with a Zen-koan type riddle about "What is Readiness?" or "Ready or Not, Pod is coming." I could give a less-than-confident answer about how I could be more ready - if I had taken childbirth classes like Lamaze or something, and if I had been one of those "I'm thoroughly researching every possible procedure so I can be a fully medically informed person"-type of new mothers.

But here is the reality of my "readiness" as of this moment:

1) My maternity bag is very nearly finished being packed.
2) I still have bits of laundry and cleaning in preparation for bringing Pod home
3) I'm already pre-registered at the hospital, and will just be waiting for the call from Labor & Delivery at the Antelope Valley Women & Infants Pavilion - which can come as early as 5am tomorrow morning - when they will let me know what time I can come in to begin the induction procedures.
4) I have done a bit of research and will be printing out a "short list" of labor-inducing acupressure points, etc. to bring with me to assist in the process tomorrow.
5) Yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble and Matt bought me a lovely leather journal and some magazines for the hospital
6) Today, my agenda consists of:
    a) getting the car a tune-up (for Pod-safety)
    b) buying some extra mini-DV tapes for the camcorder
    c) recording my self-Hypno Birthing script and music playlist to my mp3 player
    d) mailing some Thank You cards (already overdue!)
    e) bits of Pod-laundry and room-prep
    f) 1pm final prenatal massage
    g) manicure/pedicure (if I can fit it in)
    h) eating the magical labor-inducing salad that my mom will pick up for me when she goes into LA tonight
    i) trying to take lots of naps and conserve energy in this heat for tomorrow's marathon
    j) wrap-up updates and final communications before radio silence begins at midnight tonight

7) I've reviewed and considered a "birth plan" which is one of those long forms you can put together for yourself that makes all your medical decisions in advance in case anything happens.  Since I don't have a doula/midwife, and neither my mother nor my husband can speak for me (because of my autonomous, Aquarian nature) - I've made some decisions for my own self and have them at the ready.

All my skills of visualization, focus, concentration, relaxation, manifestation, will be at their height today and tomorrow - my training, my experience in Optimal Mindset put to the test.  All "pain" will be reframed as "pressure and sensation" and I will focus on communion with Pod as well as every cell in my body, for optimal balance of health, for skin elasticity and expansion, for summoning  and surrendering to the unconscious collective and infinite knowledge of the human body to perform the task of bringing new life into the world. 

Tonight I will prepare, as I have been preparing, like a professional athlete about to run a race - visualizing each step, from preparation, to the starting line, through the course - seeing myself maintain balance, poise, stamina, and solid lock focus throughout every possible weather - all the way through to the finish line.  Seeing myself through to completion with grace, ease, strength and even through minimal need for recovery time.  Until I can see myself, and be in the real moment where Pod is pressed to my breast and I can look at my baby son and know in my deepest heart what my life, my purpose and my evolution is really about. All other definitions of myself, identities, goals and priorities - I surrender and suspend today - in preparation for this transmutation.  I give thanks and open my heart to receive all the love thoughts, well wishes, positive vibrations and support from you, my friends and family, and give you these words to share my life and honest experience and thoughts, because my purpose on this earth is to be a conduit of love and maximum sentience.

FINAL FAQs

1. I've called you and left a voicemail, when are you going to call me back?
I'm sorry I haven't returned all voicemails.  I've been spaced out. If I don't call you back today, then I will call you when I get home from the hospital - whenever that is.

2. I've emailed you in response to your updates, are you going to email me back?
I'm going to try to return all individual emails today.

3. When can I visit you and the Pod?
If you want to drive to Lancaster on Sunday - hopefully Pod will be here by then - you can come and visit us in the hospital.  If not, I'll be here at my mom's house with Pod for the next 6 weeks, and you are welcome to visit us anytime. I'll be on maternity leave for 6 weeks. I don't expect we will be doing any traveling ( to San Francisco, etc. ) until perhaps sometime after Labor Day.

4. How can I be notified if I want to know how everything goes tomorrow?
You can call/text my husband or my sister, Nikki - please email me if you want the #s.

5. I'm so curious about Pod's name being revealed when he is born - when/how will you announce it?
I may send a "blog post from my phone" to my blog - so you can check it here.

6.  Until what time tonight will you be checking emails/taking calls?
I will be checking emails until midnight-ish, taking calls until about 9ish.

7.  After the Pod is born, will you be less available to me - is it selfish of me to want to talk to you about what's going on in my life?
Understandably, my main focus will be the Pod and my family.  It isn't selfish to talk about your life, and because my loved ones are extremely important to me, I will ALWAYS want to know what's going on, give you support, encouragement, commiseration and help where and when I can.  If you really need me, don't leave me out, I have more love than ever now and have plenty to share.

Pod is clamoring for breakfast. I need to start this day.  I can't get that dumbass "It's the FINAL COUNTDOWN" song out of my head because it's on an infomercial I see all the time, and because Beth had to sing it into my voicemail the other day.  I need to get another song in my head - something marathon appropriate - "Eye of the Tiger"-ish -- any suggestions would be welcome, as would any mp3s you would like to send for me to include in my "Childbirth/Labor Mp3 Megamix" that I'm putting together.

Always, always with more gratitude and more love,

Carmen - The Incubatrix

P.S. - Final FAQ

8.  What were you thinking about when you were planning out the "creation of your childbirth experience?
See list below for the questions I asked myself:

How to Create the Childbirth Experience I want

OPTIMAL GOAL
1. What kind of childbirth experience do I want for myself? What do I want it to be for my Pod?

LIMITING BELIEF TO BE RELEASED
2.  What image needs to be fully replaced with a more optimal visualization preparation? What do I fear right now?

STRATEGY
3. What next actions can I take to prepare this experience?

TEAM BUILDING AND DELEGATION
4. Who are the resources I need to call on and what tasks/responsibilities do I need to assign/outsource?

FOCUS
5. What thoughts/visions/mantras should I focus on before, during and after the induction/childbirth process?

CDJ = Friendster's "Patient Zero" for the Philippines?

Thanks to my friend Jonathan Abrams, I've been mentioned in the business magazine, Inc., as being "patient zero" for the Friendster phenomenon in the Philippines.  It's the cover story for the June issue. Click on the story about Friendster. I'm mentioned here, on page 5, of the online article.

What's totally hilarious to me is the way Jonathan is often portrayed in the online/offline media.  Bloggers have spurned him, called him arrogant, accused him of creating Friendster to "get dates," and now Inc. magazine has taken his story and created this mythos of Jonathan somehow being a VC victim, and how Friendster was so unsuccessful. 

What I know about Jonathan is that he is an extremely ethical, hardworking, and thoughtful human being with an amazing sense of humor - which is what shields him from the ridiculous gossip and politic of the Valleywagger types.  He codes almost everything he's ever built, by himself, does his own PR, and never stops working on his next projects, no matter what ostensible setbacks or perceived "failures" others try to pin on him. 

Recently, he wrote a very thorough article, a rebuttal and public statement called "The Truth about Evite"  to respond to Evite's recent threats to sue him and his new venture Socializr.

Ordering Chaos: PT II: Going Home

I love San Francisco. It is my birthplace and my rebirthplace, and each time I return I learn more about how much I've grown. I recently went back for a few days to my beloved City So Small, and saw many friends, also had some voice-over work there, and a hypnotherapy client.

It is my goal, desire and intention to develop enough clientele there that I can go up to the City 1x/month and see clients and especially my friends. I have a few places that I can use to see clients, and I can also go to see clients who have their own offices.

While in SF, I go to my own haunts - small, untrendy places for locals like Eddie's Cafe on Divisadero and Fulton for breakfast, coffee at Cafe Abir, and always, shoe missions with my best girlfriend, Charmaine, on Haight. Had a lovely dinner at EOS compliments of Mr. Jonathan Abrams, and met up with several friends at Jay's Bee Pub Club down in the Mission. Had some delicious drinks at the fabulously uncrowded Bar 821.

My criteria for good place to go in SF:

A) free, safe, nearby parking or easy access from public transit.
B) free wi-fi (if applicable)
C) good coffee, delicious foods or tasty treats
D) chill but energetic background music
E) cheap to medium expensive

Although my best friend Romeo's short film was playing at this year's Asian American Film Festival, it wasn't showing on a day I was there. He's in Manila, anyway, shooting his feature length film The Inheritance - which I helped to write! I have my first story editor credit on a feature length film - and it's actually getting made right now!

I always feel such a pang coming over the Bay Bridge, when the SF City skyline comes into view. I roll down the window, and the air smells like home.

Versus Gravity & Birthday Rituals

The picture to the left is from the Ecstasy: In and Out of Altered States exhibit at the Geffen Contemporary Museum in Little Tokyo, here in Los Angeles.  Considering my ongoing fight agaist gravity, I thought it was an apt graphic.

My birthday this year corresponded with the full moon!  No big fanfare this year, no big social gathering, instead I went to the museum with my two cousins Danielle and Rochelle, and also the ever-vescent Heathervescent.  Had a lovely sushi lunch and wander around Little Tokyo.  Then I took off on my own to the Natura Spa in Koreatown, where the herbal baths and steam renewed me, and I literally had all the dead skin scoured off of me!

In the spa I meditated and visualized what I wanted from the year to come, put away any remaining limiting beliefs or fears that I sensed were still holding me back, and emerged feeling lighter, newer, fresher and purer!  From there it was a short ride to meet with my mother, sister and cousins for some bulgogi and galbi at Chosun Galbi!  A delicious night.

I drove home alone, with the full moon shining down upon me, and used that time to continue to focus  my intent, generating ideas for this lunar new year, trying to get a sense and shape of my grander purpose and how to present my integrated self as a gift to the world.

With regard to my newly installed "Wake up, Roll to the Side, Get Up" habit, I'm happy to report that my eyes fly open each day between 7 and 7.30 a.m., regardless of the day, regardless of how much sleep I had, and even when I'm groggy and bleary eyed I fight gravity and try to wake into a power state.
I will be honest, on the weekends, when I have no appointments in the morning or anything specific to do, I'll get up and do my thing, have some water, then crawl back under the covers.  But it's a CHOICE, people!

Thank you to all my friends, family and clients who remembered my birthday with phone calls, cards, text messages and emails!  Certainly is lovely to feel remembered.

Jad Duwaik aka TJ or T/Jad, (1970-2006)

I was cruising through Flickr and saw a familiar pic of Jad Duwaik on Dave Mcclure's page - which linked to his blog post dedicated to Jad.  Jad was a wonderful writer and creative soul, whose pursuit of the fullness of life's adventures was an amazing testament to tenacity and fearless living.  Last night I lit a candle and said a prayer for Jad and his family.  Such a sudden departure from this world, it must have been time for him to move on to the next level.

I also unearthed a snippet of one of the last email's I received from him last year, when I'd asked him what his daily routine was like in China:

daily routine...write a bit, study Chinese a lot, study music a lot (learning drum, harmonica, and whisteling), and teach English 20hrs a week. All in all a good life, but I want more. I want to buy a house (prolly in China) and start a family, so I'm focusing my efforts on my writing. I recently found out that I can print my brad/jenn poem for $0.25/copy (in color). So I'm going to try and raise some capital and see what comes of that. (btw, i'd like to show investors there's a potential audience for my books, so if you don't mind, I'd appreciate  if you could pass on the brad/jenn link if you liked it.)

The link he'd sent me to that latest writing project no longer works. 

What I've learned of death in these past years - losing Papa from a heart attack, my boyfriend Barry Jacobs from a plane crash on the Burning Man playa airstrip, and my grandfather to emphysema, Alzheimer's and old age in 2003; then losing my grandmother to heart disease in 2004 -- can be interpreted in many comforting metaphors.  But the metaphors we apply, the logic we attempt to console ourselves - that's for us, not for them.  How to make sense of someone's passing, how to frame into our realities that someone who was there is now missing and will never return in physical form. 

Love, compassion, healing, pain, growth, joy, sorrow - the meat of life, the lessons in personal alchemy, the triumph of time marching on and the challenge for each of us to live fully, today, to commit ourselves to the dreams which guide us, and the love that surrounds us.

Bless you all, our departed ones.